BS NO Jutsu
by Oh-Tee-Ell
Summary: A story full of random plot twists and the occasional guest author. Please leave a review of what you read!
1. T or D, G?

**T or D, G?**

PKO Version

At Sasuke's clan's neighborhood, all the genins-and chuunin were sitting in a circle.

"Why are we here?" asked Naruto.

"I'm hungry," complained Chouji.

"This is too troublesome…" muttered Shikamaru.

"WOULD YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP!" yelled Sasuke.

"Ya didn't hafta snap…" muttered Naruto.

"Anyway, we're playing truth or dare."

"See ya…" said Gaara, Shikamaru, and Neji, walking off.

"You're not going anywhere."

Sasuke pushed a button and the entire Uchiha estate was barred everywhere-the exits, the area above the estate, the bathrooms-okay, not the bathrooms, but there was no escape.

"F-" the three boys were stopped from cursing by Sasuke yelling, "MY TURN!" So he took his turn.

"Naruto. T or D."

"False! I mean dare!"

"The dare is…die, bi-"

Sasuke was interrupted by Lee yelling, "OOOH I'M TELLIN'" which was followed by Neji saying, "Shut up Lee".

"Why don't you make up a dare up a dare that you could actually do," Naruto shot back.

"Say what you wish. Anyway, I dare you to not eat ramen for a week."

"Crap." (This as you probably know is only a substitution for Naruto's real language) "Anyway, Gaara, truth or dare?"

"Blood."

"No! Truth or Dare!"

"Dare…fool."

"Give Lee a hug!"

"What the f-" his cursing was cut off by Lee screaming in terror.

Gaara punched Lee in the face and for a split second put an arm around him.

"Hey fatso. Truth or dare," Gaara said, pointing to Chouji.

"I'm not fat! I'm fluffy!"

"Shut up and answer the question. Wait-did I just contradict myself?"

"No crap, idiot."

"Shut up Shukaku."

"Truth!" said Chouji.

"Sissy…" muttered Sasuke. "Wimpy fatso…"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fatso! That's a good one…" said Naruto.

"Shut up Naruto," said Sasuke.

"Fine! Dare!" said Chouji angrily.

"You have to go on a two-week all-expense-paid cruise with Richard Simmons…doing exercises."

Chouji started sobbing and walking off when a curly-haired queer rushed at him. Chouji quickly ran back inside with everyone else.

"Not so hasty, fatso," said Gaara.

"My turn. Shikamaru! T or D!" said Chouji.

"Of course, you had to pick your special friend," said Gaara.

"Truth," said Shikamaru, standing by it even as Naruto taunted him. He continued, "Naruto. Look. Everyone who picked dare had something bad happen to them."

"Okay, do you like Ino?"

Shik had to think through this. If he said yes, she would slap him for hitting on her. If he said no, she would hit him with the frying pan for lying. If he said maybe she'd grab his shoulders and shake the answers out of him, leading to one of the above.

"Can I use a lifeline?"

"You can use Ino!"

Ino, taking some sort of offense, beat Chouji so hard upside the head, you could swear she left a concussion.

Well he's out of it so I-"

He was interrupted by Gaara poking Chouji and saying, "Hey. Why are you still here? Off you go, fatso." Gaara then shoved Chouji out the door and right into Richard Simmons' arms. Luckily, we do not have to see any more as Gaara closed and locked the door. "Carry on," said Gaara.

"Anyway, Ino, truth or dare?" asked Shikamaru.

"Dare."

"Give Sakura a hug and say, 'You're my bestest friend in the whole wide world'!"

Ino did it and hit Sakura with the frying pan.

"Okay. Sakura, truth or dare?" asked Ino.

"Truth, Ino-pig," said Sakura.

"What is your most embarrassing moment?"

"When I jumped on Naruto to save him from Zabuza."

"Best moment of my life… 'Cause I know I could have easily dodged that sword."

Sakura avoided general eye contact and blushed just as a kunai knife whizzed by, one millimeter away from her head. Coming from Hinata's direction.

"Umm…Sasuke-kun! Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Kiss me."

"Bullshi-"

Luckily, the dare and Sasuke's cursing were stopped by Naruto, Ino, and Lee.

"Okay…Truth I guess…"

"Do you loooooooooooooooove me!"

"You wish…loser."

"Wow…he's a bigger jerk than me…"

"You're right Neji."

"Shut up Lee."

"Anyway, White Eyes. Truth or dare?"

"Dare, you comma-eyed freak."

Sasuke was obviously PO'd and Neji expected the worse…as usual.

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

Everyone was shocked. 'What the crap?' was the question on everyone's minds. Then Sasuke sat on his hands, fingers out. Under his rear were eight fingers. Then everyone understood. Neji was going to look queer.

"Crap."

But nevertheless Neji did it, flinching in disgust every now and then.

"Seven."

Then Sasuke showed his hand and said, "Ha!". Contrary to his self-confident chuckle, on his hand were seven fingers.

"What the crap?"

"Henge no Jutsu."

"Really?" asked Naruto.

"No, dumb arse. I've got heavenly powers."  
"Coooooooool! Angel Neji!"

"Shut up Lee. Anyway, Tenten, truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"I dare you to say, 'Neji is superior and not a jerk' 10 times while mentally banishing any thought of love for me."

"I don't lie…often. Pick someone else, master jerk."

"Okay." Then he got a face so maniacal Gaara got jealous. "Hinata, dare or dare?"

"T-truth, Neji nii-san-sama! Please give me mercy!"

"You have to d-what the crap?" he paused and then smirked. "Do you like Naruto?"

The cork on Gaara's gourd started jerking. No one's gonna be as evil as him.

"I gotta pee!" said Naruto, rushing to the UNBARRED Uchiha bathroom.

"Yes…" muttered Hinata. "Hmmm...Temari. Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Catch your fan on fire!"

Gaara was completely and utterly ticked and everyone else was surprised.  
"I'll help...kekeke…" said Sasuke.

So Sasuke did a hand seal and shot fire out of his mouth directly on course. But since his fire techniques never work, the fire dodged to the right of the fan and when it passed the fan it went back to the original course and caught the UNBARRED Uchiha drapes on fire. Incidentally, the fire technique he used was Mythical Fire Flower, and the shurikens slashed right through her fan and went on to chop off the hangers on the burning cloth, causing them to fall on Temari's hair. Each ponytail she had was burnt off instantly. She then fell on the floor, catching the UNBARRED Uchiha rug on fire. Gaara quickly used a sand technique to put out the fire, finding a new way to beat Sasuke. But even in all the flaming insanity, the fan was not charred at all.

Through her weeping Temari muttered, "K-kankurou, truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Put your hand in Karasu's mouth and make it bite you."

"Aw crap… I hate when you vent…"

Knowing of her venting, he decided to go through with it anyway. And because of the end result it was probably best he kept his gloves on.

"Fu-oh. Dog freak. Truth or dare?"

"I'm Kiba! Dare!"

"Beat up your stupid dog."

Again, venting of anger. But nevertheless he started pounding Akamaru…just as Naruto entered the room.

"I can't leave the room for more than five minutes without you going crazy, can I?" he scolded.

"Anyway, Shino, T or D?" asked Kiba.

"'D'"

"Don't mock me. Mass murder all the bugs in your arm!"

Shino did so…sobbing. I think.

"Sissy…"

"Lee…"

"Truth! Just to be safe!"

"Do you love Gai?"

"I have the right to remain silent!"

"Shut up Lee. No you don't."

Lee started sobbing. "You're hurtful, Neji! But I do love Gai…but not that way!"

Then Neji and Tenten turned away from Lee and started chuckling.

"Tenten! T or D!"

"Dare!"

"Give Neji a big old hug!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Thank you so much Lee!"

Then Neji started crying. I'd be sad too, knowing what she was going to do. She grabbed him in a crushing death grip. As we leave, we hear Neji's painful screaming of "Ow! You're crushing my spleen!"

To be continued in Chapter 2,

"Insomnia, the Terrible Game Night!"


	2. Insomnia, the Terrible Game Night!

Chapter 2

**Insomnia, the Terrible Game Night!**

PKO Version

Gaara was walking down the luxurious Uchiha hall. Everyone else was asleep, and he was tired of watching them saw logs (not _really_ sawing logs… that would be contradictory because they were asleep. And only Tenten does things in her sleep, much to Neji's dislike. But we'll get into that later… Yeah…). Then he saw something in Itachi's room. A HELLO KITTY PLUSH! Nah… a drum set.

'So that's how he got so powerful…' thought Gaara. Don't ask me where that logic came from; he's a psycho, right?

So he sat on the chair and started pounding on the drums, waking up everybody. Then there was a yell of anger from Neji, saying, "Tenten… What do you have to say for yourself!" He was staring at his glistening chest.

Tenten, still half asleep, muttered, "Mmmm… Neji lollipop… Glad I pulled off the sour stuff at the top…" Then she snapped up. "Neji! What happened to you!"

"You happened to me! This is the third time this week! At least we weren't training, though…"

"I have a fast metabzzzzzzzzz…"

Lee, already knowing her secret, uncapped a Mountain Dew and threw it at her mouth.

"Flaunks Wuh!" she said, which was muffled, originally meaning "Thanks Lee!"

"No prob!"

"Shut up Lee."

"You don't have to yell at me just 'cause you're jealous that your woman likes me, Neji!"

Both Neji and Tenten said in unison "Shut up Lee!" and beat the living crap out of Lee.

But EVENTUALLY everyone checked out Gaara's drumming.

"Gaara! We're here to check out your drumming!" announced Kankurou.

"What about it?"

"We can't sleep"

"Shounds wike a poushinal pwobwem to me," said Gaara, who then proceeded to spit out the ping pong balls in his mouth.

"We can't sleep because of your drumming… Why are you drumming?"

"Because I was bored of watching you guys saw logs-no, not literally sawing logs. It's an expression."

"What can we do to make you stop?"

"Stay up with me and play games…"

-WITH CHOUJI…-

"Lord please strike me down right now…" said Chouji as Simmons shook his spandex-covered arse right in front of Chouji's face. Chouji couldn't stand it any longer. He used Meat Tank and crashed over the rail of the ship, which left him floating in the sea.

-BACK WITH THE OTHER NINJAS…-

The entire group was sitting around a Scrabble board. Naruto assembled the first word.

"Funnest? That's not a word."

"Yeah it is, Sasuke. Fun, funner, funnest. Look it up."

"Twelve points, Naruto! Great job!"

"Thanks, Hinata!"

The game went on just like that for an hour: stupidly. They had already used up 3 Scrabble sets of tiles. Here are everyone's words: Neji: Main, Branch, House; Lee: Sakura, Gai, Lotus; Tenten: Neji, Hyuuga, Neji (again); Naruto: Funnest, Sakura, Attention; Sakura: Love, Sasuke, Naruto; Sasuke: Naruto, Itachi, Antisocial; Shikamaru: Nap, Troublesome, Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis (yeah, you can use more than seven letters)' Ino: Shik, Sakura, Sasuke; Kiba: Hinata, Akamaru, Dog; Shino: Bugs, Insects, Arachnids; Hinata: Uzumaki, Naruto, Swirl; Gaara: Death, Mutilation, Blood; Kankurou: Puppet, Queer (not necessarily a bad word), Muffin; Temari: Fan, Gaara, Kankurou.

"This is getting very boring…" muttered Gaara, "I think I will try and get better at my drumming, so…"

Everyone simultaneously yelled, "NO!"

"Why not?" asked Gaara, glaring.

"We will let you do something else! Anything else! Your choice!" exclaimed Temari.

"Have you ever…"

"Have I ever what?"

"Shut up, Naruto. That is the name of the game," responded Sasuke.

"Shut up, Naruto? Wow, I didn't know I had a game named after me!"

"You are a -beep-ing idiot."

"We will use Mountain Dew, sipping it whenever someone says something we have done. It will keep anyone up… and give them a heart attack. Either way, I will get what I want," announced Gaara.

"Okay, Gaara…" responded the group.

"Get this crazy lady away from me!" yelled Neji, who was again having to suffer through Tenten's subconscious retardation. "Get some caffeine!"

Gaara, after waiting five minutes just to watch the insanity that ensued, got fourteen cups of Mountain Dew and one cup of ramen broth. I will leave you to guess who was getting the broth. If you get this one wrong, all I can say is this: pot is bad.

"Got the stuff. I'll go first," said Gaara, sitting down in the circle of ninjas and passing out the Mountain Dews to everyone except… you should know by now. "Have you ever fallen off a cliff?"

"When I was little… My head broke the fall," muttered Naruto as he sipped his broth.

"That explains a lot…" commented Sasuke.

"My turn!" said Temari. "Have you ever-"

"Controlled weapons without using your hands!" yelled Neji.

"Awright…"

Tenten took a sip. Neji jumped up and yelled, "THANK YOU!" Lee just stared…

"Shut up Neji."

"Shut up Lee." Neji stopped, regaining his senses, and sat down.

"My turn!" said Kankurou. "Have you ever liked Sasuke?"

Everyone took a sip except all the boys (excluding Sasuke), Temari, Tenten, and Hinata. So really only Sasuke, Ino, and Sakura.

"My turn…" said Neji. He turned to Hinata, smiling maniacally. "Have you ever liked Naruto?"

"Man… I drank waaaay too much broth. I have to freaking pee!" announced Naruto, oblivious to Neji's comment.

"No, you'll wanna hear this!" exclaimed Neji.

"Well I would, but 'Have You Ever' isn't fun underwater."

"Go…" Neji just sighed, likely about to give a speech about injustice. HE held it off though.

"So Naruto went to the UNBARRED Uchiha bathroom AGAIN. Hinata took a sip, and that kitchen knife looked very friendly to Neji…

"My turn!" said Tenten. "Have you ever eaten a bug?"

"Technically… They're in my mouth…" said Shino as he took a sip, killing all those bugs that he "ate." Technically. I mean the killing was real, but the eating… Uh, you get the idea.

Lee yelled, "YES! MY TURN! Have you ever thought of me as handsome and awesome?"

Gai, somehow hearing what Lee said, took a sip out of a mug that looked just like Lee's head. But unlike him, no one in the Uchiha compound so much as lifted their cup.

"C'mon gals… Sakura? Tenten? Neji?"

"Hey, I resent that remark!" said Neji.

"You know you want me… my ladies!"

Neji, Sakura, Tenten, and Gaara all beat the crap out of Lee. Don't ask why Gaara bit him. Gaara just doesn't like Lee. So I guess you can ask. Whatever. Gaara walked into Itachi's room, thoroughly bored.

"Wait! Why don't we play something else!" pleaded Kankurou.

"Whaaaat game?"

"Monopoly?"

"No, Neji."

"Spin-Neji-the-Neji-bottle-Nejinejineji?"

"No, Tenten."

"Charades?"

"Maybe later, Naruto. Gaara then went to the UNBA-you should have gotten it by now-bathroom.

"I know what we can do!" said Ino. "Play House!"

"That's stupid and troublesome…"

A huge vein popped up on Ino's head. "Who asked you, Shikamaru!" She started pulling out the frying pan.

"Okay! Okay! But to keep from you and Sakura arguing pointlessly about which hangs around with Sasuke, I will rip up this wonderful and UNBARRED Uchiha stationary into 15 pieces. I'll use this wonderful and UNBARRED Uchiha pen to write our names on the slips. I will put all the slips in the-well, you get the idea-Uchiha top hat. I'll shuffle them, close my eyes, pick slips, and call out positions."

Everyone agreed. This is a short paragraph.

"First, dad…" He pulled out a slip. "…is me… Next, mom… is… never mind." He put the slip back.

"Who is it, Shik?" asked Ino.

"No one…"

"Who-is-it!"

"N-nobody!"

Ino started getting out the frying pan.

"You! It was you! Don't hurt me! Please!"

"Ha, Ino-pig!"

"Shut up, forehead girl!"

"Settle down! Next, son… Sasuke!"

"Bull crap," said Sasuke. "No way I'd be you two's son!"

"Too bad… Next, daughter. …Neji."

"Hey! I resent that!"

"I'll pick again… Temari."

Temari just sighed.

"Next… I guess grandpa! It's… Naruto. Grandma… Hinata."

Hinata silently cheered. Somehow. Whatever.

"Next: Crazy uncle"-Gaara entered-"…Gaara."

"What the f-"

Shik explained before Gaara finished.

"I guess this can work… I can just be myself."

"Next the crazy uncle's wife"-Gaara cursed wildly-"the aunt… Sakura?"

"HUNH!" both aunt and uncle yelled.

"Okay, your two kids-"

"Two kids! BS!" yelled Sakura.

"Too bad… They're Chouji and Kankurou. Now for the mom's side of the family. The grandparents are… Neji and Tenten. And Lee, Shino, and Kiba are all uncles on the mom's side, and really don't matter at all. Now… begin."

Everyone just stood there.

"Why doesn't each family take one Uchiha residence?" suggested Ino.

"Okay…" everyone reluctantly agreed.

-WITH SHIK AND INO…-

"I'm gonna visit my parents, okay?"

"Fine Ino."

"Shikamaru, you need to fix the food."

"How troublesome…"

"DO IT!"

"Okay! Bye!"

"Bye, dear!"

"Whatever…"

So Shikamaru started cooking… but to him, it was too troublesome, so he went to bed. About an hour later Ino came back to find the kitchen ablaze. She searched out Shikamaru, pounced on him, and started shaking the crap out of him because her logic was "Sasuke-kun's gonna hate me!" She continuously yelled at him thrashing angrily… when Sasuke walked in. He flinched, grimaced, and walked out. I'd be freaked out too without knowing the circumstances. He then walked out of the house, completely ignoring the fire. What did he care? That was going to be Itachi's future home anyway.

-FLASHBACK TO INO'S VISIT…-

Tenten had cornered Neji when Ino came in.

"Hello!" she said.

Suddenly Tenten snapped back into consciousness and dropped her mallet. On Neji's foot. His next exclamation is completely inappropriate, but can be abbreviated as "GDMFS!"

"Um… Anyway… How's it going?"

-END FLASHBACK…-

-NEJI AND TENTEN, PRESENT…-

"-Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-," said Neji.

-WITH SAKURA AND GAARA-

Gaara sat on the couch watching television when Sakura burst in, distracting him from his boredom.

"Why did you distract me from my boredom?" asked Gaara.

Suddenly Sakura sat next to Gaara and gave him a hug.

"Why are you touching me?"

"Because we are supposed to lub each other!"

"…Why are you touching me?"

"Because we are supposed to play our parts, Gaara-chan."

"Wh-"

"'CAUSE THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS!"

"Fine, bi-"

-WITH NARUTO AND HINATA…-

"Why don't you do something… you know… um…" Hinata started twiddling her thumbs. "…productive?"

She actually just didn't want Naruto dreaming of that -beep- -beep- -beep- -beep- -beep- Sakura. -Beep-.

"Like what, Hinata-chan?"

"There are a lot of things to do!"

"I know what I can do!" Hinata clasped her hands together and smiled. "I can saw logs! Not literally!" Naruto laid back down, Hinata sighing. 'He's cute, brave, and absolutely adorable and I how him to death, but sometimes he can be a real bum…' she thought.

-WITH CHOUJI AND KANKUROU…-

"Hey? How are you here? You're with that gay dude!" said Kankurou.

"Well…"

-FLASHBACK…-

Ever wonder how Chouji can make himself bigger? Well, he fills himself with air. Maybe. I just made it up for the sake of the story. But anyways… Well, instead of sinking to the depths of the ocean to drown, he'd be brutally ripped apart by sharks (I mean he looked like a giant donut hole, and everyone knows sharks like those). Luckily, he floated back to shore unharmed. Except for him hitting a few ships, thereby sinking them. I mean, you honestly believe the Titanic was sunk by an ICEBURG? That's the Akimichi claim to fame.

-END FLASHBACK…-

Kankurou nodded in understanding. Chouji suddenly felt small grains move across the back of his neck and then heard a poofing noise. He turned to see Gaara glaring at him.

"Why aren't you on your cruise? You should be thankful. You don't have to pay one dime. Off you go… gain." Gaara made a sand foot and kicked Chouji into oblivion. And right back onto the ship. "You idiot… Come with me."

Sakura, hearing Gaara, said to Kankurou, "Are you gonna just take this abuse? From your little brother?"

"Yeah… I've gotten used to it, " responded Kankurou, being dragged by the arm to the living room. What was Gaara planning? Who cares, Kankurou is asking for it anyway.

-WITH NEJI AND TENTEN…-

Nothing particularly interesting was happening, unless you consider Tenten tying Neji's hair to the ceiling fan as he was getting a soda for her, Tenten starting the fan, Neji opening the soda, the soda spewing over everywhere, Tenten finally waking up and stopping the fan, and Neji crashing down on the carpet interesting.

-WITH SHIK AND INO…-

Ino had stopped shaking Shikamaru after he threw up, and then yelled at him as she cleaned up. Meanwhile, the fire raged on… even as Temari tried to put it out. But Temari, not being the brightest of the Kazekage's children-well, maybe, Iunno-only made the fire worse. She thought it was a good idea to blow out the fire with her fan. And even thought her fan was ripped up, she was able to fan the flames… and spread them further about the house. She finally just thought, '-Beep- it. Sasuke doesn't give a crap about this house. But still… I'll get Gaara to put it out.'

So she walked off toward Gaara's house.

-WITH SAKURA AND GAARA…-

Sakura was getting into bed as Gaara sighed in relief. Good mess, that woman is annoying!

"Gaara-chan! Aren'tcha forgetting something? I need a good night kiss!" She said as Gaara flinched. So friggin' close.

"-Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-" he replied. "How about I read you a -beep-in' story instead!"

"No!"

Gaara's head twisted 180 degrees so he was directly facing Sakura and said in a very demonic voice, "YES!"

"Alright! Alright!" she said, crying.

"There were three little pigs…" Sakura started smiling. "And there was this wolf that ripped out their hearts and ate them. The end. Go to sleep." He started walking off as Sakura started crying louder. "What?"

"Y-your story m-made me cry!"

"So?"

"So it w-wasn't n-n-n-nice!"

"Your point?"

"Tell a h-happy story!"

"Like…"

"A st-story with a pony and fluffy puppies!"

"-Beep- that! Don't -beep- with me, -beep-!"

Sakura cried even louder… "P-please tell me a story, Gaara-chan!"

"Okay… just… never EVER call me that again! Okay… these foolish puppies got in the path of a pony and-" Sakura sobbed even louder. Thank goodness he had Sand Armor over his ears or he would be deaf by now! Sand started falling out of his ears. "-it dodged them and then proceeded to f-fr-fro-frolick in a field of flowers. The puppies then p-p-p-p-played in the yard. THE. FRIGGIN'. END."

"Whoooooooooose yard?" She started smiling.

"Yours…"

"And who else's?"

"Sasuke's?"

"No!"

"Naruto's?"

"Nope!"

The next few minutes were composed of Gaara listing the entire cast of characters excluding himself. Eventually Sakura commented, "You know who's le-eft!"

"Yes…"

"And who is it?"

"Me?" Gaara grimaced, thinking of the -beep-ing frolicking pony. Gaara was likely going to kill Sakura for making him think such foreign thoughts if Temari didn't run in and ask for Gaara to put out the fire. Gaara poofed away and returned in about ten seconds. Temari just stared. Yep she's a _real_ productive character.

"You are an incompetent fool…"

Temari left, and Gaara turned to Sakura, thirsting for blood… just as everyone entered… besides Neji. He was unconscious from obvious causes.

"Family reunion. Explain what has happened and we will all go home," announced Ino. "First, Neji. Oh yeah, he's KO'd. Tenten?"

"Die Lee, die," she said sleepily.

"Okaaaaaaaaaay. Next, Lee."

"I just stared at Sakura…"

Sakura elbowed Gaara and asked, "Aren't you going to do something about that?"

"Yeah, blink… and breathe…" he responded.

"No! Aren't you going to beat him up or something? I mean, he's hitting on me!"

Gaara, only hearing "beat him up" and "hitting", beat the living crap out of Lee, smiling as he did. Unfortunately, this was misinterpreted as an act of chivalry and not savagery, and Sakura latched onto him, commenting on how great he was. So now Gaara plummeted into a truly cruel and hateful relationship… so sad. Whatever. So all explained what happened to them, which I pretty well covered, and they all finally got through the now UNBARRED Uchiha gates to see…

To be continued in Chapter 3,

"Dreams, the Mystic Third Eye!"


	3. Dreams, the Mystic Third Eye!

Chapter 3

**Dreams, the Mystic Third Eye!**

…a shining sun in the center of the sky. Sasuke personally UNBARRED the compound for the horde of cursing ninjas. Only Gaara was happy. Bad things had happened around him, and he didn't even have to try and cause them. This three-month visit to Konoha was going to be very entertaining.

"Let's go to the hotel," said Kankurou, waving to Temari and Gaara.

"Bo… I want to do something."

"Okay, Gaara. But we're crashing."

"Excellent… All the better…" Gaara smiled evilly.

"His siblings flinched in fear, but walked off.

"Third Eye, open!" An eye formed in Gaara's hand. "Now... I just have to wait for them to go to sleep… and stop using ellipses…" He crushed the third eye, whose grains spread into all of the young ninjas' bedrooms to reveal… they were already asleep! "That was fast… First… Neji."

He looked into Neji's dreams. Yeah. He can do that. What Gaara saw almost brought a tear to his eye. He didn't want to create a plot hole 'cause… well… that wouldn't be cool… Anyways, the gruesome bloodshed in front of him was sure something to be proud of. In Neji's hand was a blood-stained katana. In two chairs that were in front of him were Hiashi and Hinata, tied to the chairs and screaming for mercy. He continuously and maniacally hacked off their heads which then reconnected to their necks. As much as Gaara enjoyed the bloodshed:

He didn't cause it.

Double torture is twice as fun. For any of you who flunked math.

See, Gaara can also mess with other people's dreams. Neji's stainless steel sword suddenly became plastic. But what REALLY made it a nightmare was Tenten appearing. And yes, she was suffering Annoying Subconscious Syndrome, or-well, you get the acronym. The next happenings were extremely degrading and bad for Neji, and the _man_ is bringin' me down and takin' away my right to talk. So anyways, let's move on to…

TENTEN'S DREAM! There was that stupid lovey-dovey music playing in the background. The sun shared a striking resemblance with a chibi Neji head. Tenten was running in slow motion through a field of Neji plushies. Running toward her in slow motion as well was Neji, running through a field of Tenten plushies. They then grasped each other in a loving embrace and shard a wonderful, passionate ki-

"-Beep- it. I'm not takin' anymore of this –beep-ed-up –beep-," Gaara said, screwing up the whole dream. All the Tenten dolls spontaneously combusted. All the Neji dolls turned into Lee dolls. Finally, worst of all, the boy in Tenten's arms was not Neji, but Lee. Gaara laughed evilly and checked up on…

LEE'S DREAM! Yes, Lee is a sick little –beep- -beep-er. Before him were Sakura and Gai, censored and senseless, mindlessly kissing his feet. Gaara could not stand this –beep-ed-up –beep-. Sakura and Gai both became censored Lees. Lee regurgitated.

"Who are these ugly SOBs!" he yelled between dry heaves. Now…

SASUKE'S DREAM! This dream uncharacteristically brought a tear to Gaara's eye. HE was… so proud… One of Sasuke's hands was holding Itachi's Disembodied head by the ponytail as blood gushed from its neck in an endless dark red waterfall. Leaning on his other side was the rest of Itachi's corpse, which Sasuke periodically reached into, took out his hand, and licked the blood (which was actually more like Kool-Aid, because Sasuke didn't want to get Itachi's blood in his system. His System of a Down). Gaara could not mess up this dream. He instead made more blood come out, inadvertently creating a sea of blood. Gaara sadly decided to move on to…

SAKURA'S DREAM! This one disgusted and humiliated him. The sky was a cherry blossom pink, not unlike the color of her hair. The clouds were fluffy cotton balls in the shape of the Japanese word for love, as well as many clouds shaped like hearts. Gaara frowned. They didn't look anything like real hearts, and who's better to know than a homicidal maniac?

Sakura was frolicking (Gaara frowned at that verb, well frowned more, as if you will remember he always frowns, and has already been mentioned to frown earlier in this paragraph-whatever) through an endless grove of cherry trees as cherry blossoms were riding on the gentle, swaying winds. The entire dream was scented with an alluring smell of fresh spring flowers. Yes, the Third Eye can smell stuff as well. It's pimpin'. But by far the worst thing about the dream was what she was cuddling against her chest: plushies of Naruto, Sasuke, and… HIM!

What's worse, she dropped the plushies of Naruto and Sasuke and just cuddled his. Then, suddenly, another Gaara came rushing toward her, open arms. Gaara could NOT stand this –beep-ed up –beep- (never heard that before) any longer. Dream Gaara stopped in his tracks and crossed his arms. The cork on his gourd popped off and out from the gourd came bubblin' crude-er, I mean sand. That'll show that –beep- a thing or two. Now it's time for…

NARUTO'S DREAM! There was nothing particularly new. Sakura, ramen, Iruka, even Jiraiya all doing thing you would expect from Naruto's relationships with each, again proving that this is just a waste of space used to make the story longer-er, you didn't hear that. No doubt, the only thing Gaara had to do was reverse what everyone was doing, basically making everything hate him-except for ramen, which, as one should know, is an inanimate object, and therefore is incapable of emotion… just to clarify. But to get those twenty (thousand) bucks from an overly obsessed fan, he decided to make this a NaruHina dream. Everything around Naruto disappeared and was replaced with Hinata, who was not shy in this dream. He chuckled as he put the cash in his wallet. After this, though, he turned his attention to…

SHINKAMARU'S DREAM! His dream was pretty boring, not that this is unexpected. Everyone was bound, gagged, and chained to a white wall. ON a white pillow on the white floor sat Shik, playing Go on a white Go board with white chips. He was obviously thinking through any move his opponent could possibly make. Gaara could hardly stay awake-well, actually, he could, as he had done it for quite a while now, but the point is, this was extremely boring. He just had to cause some sort of chaos to this otherwise boring dream. In one second Gaara figured out how to make this dream bad: Ino. All her bindings dissolved and the frying pan materialized in her hands. With a smirk, Gaara continued to…

INO'S DREAM! Ack. This was simply annoying. What's with these people's dreams and plushies? Good friggin' crap! But let's start with the sun. It was shaped a lot like a pineapple, ad a pineapple is shaped a lot like Shikamaru's head. This Shik them was accentuated by the pineapple/Shikamaru plushie head grove. Gaara was about to think this was a copy of Sakura' dream, except for the fact that when Shikamaru came running up, a scene of violence involving a frying pan ensued. As much as Gaara hated to wrap this nice dream up, he had to do his duty. He dissolved the frying pan and made anything resembling Shikamaru start talking, with her not being able to stop it. Yes, that truly is a fate worse than death. Poor, poor little girl. Next…

CHOUJI'S DREAM! This was a sugar addict's paradise. The yellow sun was actually a Lemon Head. The grass was actually green frosting formed into blades. The visible dirt was actually a huge brownie. The trees were solid chocolate, with alternating brown and green colors for the different parts. There was a river of chocolate milk flowing through the background, most likely originating from the Sno-Cap mountains. Gaara, felling a temporary sympathy for humanity-well, not really-decided to no longer let this candy world stimulate Chouji to eat sugar. Gaara changed the sour sun into an actual lemon (low in calories, high in health!), and generally changed this tasty dream into a healthy one. Chouji started crying in real life and Richard Simmons came to… comfort him (poor Chouji… not really). Now…

HINATA'S DREAM! Nothing that's new… but Naruto was-er-missing something. Our shy, loveable, little Hinata might not be as innocent as we thought! You see, Naruto wasn't wearing any… FOREHEAD PROTECTOR! He was wearing a Hokage hat! She just decided that no one else besides "Naruto-kun" should be Hokage. The nerve! But Gaara did not mess up Hinata's dream. He felt that they were both on similar terms: they weren't on good terms with Neji. That jerk Neji had a better shield than Gaara's sand armor! The nerve. SO let's check…

KIBA'S DREAM! It was as expected, him playing with Akamaru. Gaara was about to screw the dream up himself, but maniacally smiled and let Shukaku screw up the dream. Shukaku smiled also, knowing what Gaara was thinking ('cause they share the same mind and all), took over. Akamaru, sitting in Kiba's arms, suddenly transformed into the huge Shukaku. Now…

SHINO'S DREAM!Shino was in a forest infested with insects. As much as he wanted to hit that forest with a huge fly swatter, which would be the mean thing to do, Gaara realized he was expending too much charka and instead decided to do something nice, which restored charka, as much as he hated it. But what he did ended up being mean. You see, looking through the forest, Gaara saw no spiders, to he though giving the forest spiders was good, but that was not so. Shino suddenly saw hordes of spiders appearing out of nowhere. He ran in fear, trying to escape this endless forest which was now crawling with 8-legged freaks. Yes, Shino is an arachniphob. Gaara's charka was hitting record lows, so he just skimmed through…

KANKUROU AND TEMARI'S DREAMS! COLLECTIVELY! In Temari's dream, Gaara hugged her and kissed her on the cheek, and overall treated her like his sister. Yeah. Gaara changed that so he stabbed her in the face. Which, to clarify, isn't treating her like his sister. Kankurou' dream was much like Temari's, except really, really gay. What did you expect? Gaara was kissing Kankurou on the lips. Dream Gaara pulled out a kunai and ripped Kankurou to pieces. Gaara HATED his family.

To be continued in Chapter 4,

"The Konoha National Fair, Which is Vaguely Based on a National State Fair, Yeah, They're Both Contradictory"

R&R please, or possums will devour your flesh.


	4. A Very Long Title

Chapter 4

**The Konoha National Fair, Which is Vaguely Based on a National State Fair, Yeah, They're Both Contradictory**

or

**A Very Long Title**

or

**I Like Pie**

or

**Yo my peeps**

or

**-Beep- it. We'll Call it the Second Title.**

Gaara and the other ninjas were NOT on good terms. But nevertheless, Sakura invited him to the KONOHA NATIONAL FAIR™! Yeah, it's a contradiction, I know. And here's how everyone else came.

-ONE WEEK AGO…-

Naruto was walking down the street, hands behind his head.

"N-n-n-n-"

"Yes, Hinata-chan?"

"-n-n-n-na-na-na-"

"Out with it, Hinata-chan!"

"NARUTO-KUN WOULD YOU GO TO THE FAIR WITH ME!"

"Of course! I was gonna ask you! See ya there!"

Hinata cheered silently. Yeargh, how does she do that! Well anyways, at Ino's flower shop, Shikamaru was dozing. Then Ino burst in, waking him and making him fall out of his chair.

"Ino… Why did you call me here and make me wait for you for an hour?"

"Locking all the doors from the outside. We don't use them often, as our flowers aren't that great anyway."

"Yes they are!"

"Fine, daddy. But anyways, Shikamaru-chan, you are gonna take me to the fair."

"I'd rather be bound and gagged and thrown in a closet for a week, being fed only scraps and having only you to keep me company!"

"You're in luck then!"

"-Beep-."

At Neji's house, which was not as nice as Hinata's house, there came a tapping, tapping on his chamber door.

"Who is it? Oh, it's Tenten. To keep from something that will be very unlucky, I'll just lock the door… and stop talking to myself…"

"Let me in, Neji-kun! You know I can wait here all day! I'd suggest you let me in while I'm still conscious!"

As much as he didn't want to let her in, he'd rather let her in now freely than later, when she'd probably break in asleep. SO Neji reluctantly opened the door and hid behind the closest item near him, which happened to be a statue of him.

"Hey Neji! You're goin' to the fair, aren'tcha?"

Neji sweatdropped and walked out from behind the statue. "You mean you interrupted my meditation period to ask me about that stupid fair? -Beep- you. And yes, I am. –Insert long string of profanities here-."

"C'mon, I knooow you were on EBay!"

"Yeah! And now I lost by –beep-ing Neji doll because of you!"

"Would you escort me?"

"NO –BEEP-ING WAY!"

"I'm dooooozing!"

"Fine, you –beep-ed up –beep-."

"Watch your mouth, mister!"

A vein burst on his head. He can't keep his cool when it comes to EBay!

"Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…" We'll get back to Sasuke in let's see… 10 minutes.

"…hahahahahahahahahahahahaha…"

…And 35 minutes…

"…hahehheehoohas! I have you, Itachi! YOU FOOL! A huge social gathering such as this fair attracts terrorists like you!"

In a hole not too far away from Sasuke, Osama Bin Laden snapped his fingers and said, "Ah, Akbah! He found me out!"

-BACK TO THE PRESENT…-

It was the big night! Well, actually, it is no bigger than any other night, except for the solstices, but that is beside the point. Not literally. But anyways, Kiba, Lee, and Chouji also attended. Yes, Chouji destroyed his nightmare cruise ship. They all spread out throughout the fair grounds.

"Shikamaru, I want this shirt and this marionette! Buy them for me!" said Ino, holding a shirt that said "I Survived the Konoha National Fair" and a pig marionette.

"Why can't you buy them? You have a flower shop!"

"Our flowers aren't that good…"

"Yes they are!"

"Fine daddy. But you ARE gonna buy me this stuff, whether you want to or not!"

Ino was about to do Shintenshin and put her soul in his body to force him to buy it, but stopped in her tracks.

She only said, "Crap." She forgot that he can control shadows.

One random idiot guy commented, "This relationship won't last! They're fighting on the first date!"

RIG didn't last long.

-WITH NARUTO AND HINATA…-

They were looking at the hot tubs.

"Hey Hinata! I'm gonna fill this pool with ramen broth when I can afford it!" said Naruto, pointing to a hot tub.

"Great, Naruto-kun!"

Suddenly a shadowed figure leapt at Hinata. Fortunately for Hinata, though, she saw Naruto walking off and rushed up to him, causing the shadowed figure to fall into the scalding hot water of the hot tub.

-WITH LEE…-

He was looking at arts and crafts and suddenly saw a nice vase, which he put on his head.

"Look at me, I'm a pot head!" he commented.

"Shut. The. –Beep-. Up, Lee!" said Neji, soaked to the marrow in scalding hot water.

"Neji-chan! You have to change clothes!" yelled Tenten with slight concern.

"I don't have any other clothes."

Tenten was giddy as a school girl, 'cause, well, she was one for quite a while. "You'll have to walk around without clothes then!"

"No –beep-ing way. Just get me a towel."

"Paper towel?"

"Whatever…"

"You'll have to go to the bathroom then. I'll help!"

"No way, you sicko! I'll just walk around sopping wet!" Neji stomped off.

"What did I say!"

-WITH SAKURA AND GAARA…-

"I wanna see the exhibits!"

"Too bad, we're riding the rides."

"Please, the exhibits!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"PLEASE!"

"NO!"

"You're making me sad…"

"Too bad."

Sakura started sobbing loudly, obviously fake, and Gaara reluctantly obliged. Sakura stopped crying and dragged Gaara to the exhibit hall. They started looking at the painting when Gaara saw some… WRONG pictures of him.

"Poor Gaara-can! You accidentally walked into the irritatingly overly obsessed fan art picture area!"

Then Gaara rushed out of there and entered an area… that was just like the last one.

"Poor Gaara! Now you've entered the otaku section!"

It went on just like that for a good ten minutes or more. Every single section had the same disgusting things: Gaara wasn't wearing… HIS GOURD! And was appearing to be a kind person. He was positively sickened. Those perverts.

-WITH KIBA…-

"Don't be a sissy, Akamaru… This lizard is harmless!" Akamaru barked continuously as they entered a gimmick-I mean SIDESHOW. As they entered, there is a sign in sight that says, "Dog-eating Lizard."

-WITH CHOUJI…-

Chouji, after his terrifying cruise, scarfed down food from almost every stand (He didn't try the Rabid Weasel On a Stick… wonder why).

This random dude (not to be confused with the late random idiot guy) ran up and yelled at Chouji, saying, "YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF!" Then Chouji started crying. The guy then said, "You're killing us…"

-WITH NARUTO AND HINATA…-

"N-n-n-aruto-kun, let's do bumper cars!"

"Okay!"

So they went to the bumper cars. Neji, sopping wet, smirked. He entered as well. One minute after they sat down in their individual seats, the ride started. No doubt Neji was a lightning rod for the electricity, but he honestly didn't give a rat's –beep-. He rushed at Hinata, but missed. He was about to hit her again when a little three-year old bumped him. Oh yeah. He turned around and slammed that brat into the next galaxy. Keeping his momentum, he turned and rushed toward Hinata, only to miss again. He slammed on the brakes, but it was too late. He burst right out of the bumper car stadium and right into the front of one of those horror rides. Because of massive structural damage, the bottom fell out of the car and Neji fell right into one of the carts that go through the ride. Eh sat straight up. It couldn't be thaaat bad! But guess what? It was! The entire ride was dedicated to Orochimaru, constructed by Kabuto! Neji came out shocked and disturbed, the Cher song still resonating in his head. That was the last time he'd ride one of those rides.

-WITH SAKURA AND GAARA…-

After thirty minutes of washing his eyes, Gaara decided to go to… the FKSFC (Future Konoha Shinobi of the First Country) exhibit! Among the random objects was a flowery cloak with a black fabric and a straw hat at the top. Sasuke suddenly appeared and ripped the outfit to shreds, only to find that it wasn't Itachi. A nearby boy started crying. That must have been his project. Well, either it is his project or he is a cloak enthusiast. Sasuke flicked the kid off and stormed away.

-WITH NARUTO AND HINATA… AND NEJI…-

"Hinata! Let's go to the circus!"

"Okay, Naruto-kun."

So they went to the circus, closely followed by Neji. They took a seat, Neji six seats behind in Hinata's blind spot, ready with a kunai. Hinata looked like she was watching the performance, but she was mainly staring at Naruto. Well, as much as someone with 359 degree vision can. After twenty minutes, Neji thought it was time to strike. Just as Neji jumped at her, she was dozing and her head went down, causing Neji to go right past her and onto the stage, right in front of the flame-breather's fire's path. He had dried off earlier, and he combusted. The first degree burns he had already from the water became second degree burns, and would have become third degree if the janitor didn't put him out.

-WITH SHIKAMARU AND INO…-

They had actually given up on fighting (WOW) and decided to look at the Nara deer.

"Which one is yours, Shika-chan?"

"This one, Ino," said Shikamaru, pointing to an unmoving and unresponsive deer.

"It's, like, dead!"

"No, it's just sleeping."

Ino sweatdropped. "Like owner, like deer. What's his name?"

"Her. And _her_ name is Ino."

"Awwww! How sweet! You really named it after me?"

"Tch, yeah right…"

"THEN WHAT IS ITS NAME!"

"Ino."

"But…"

"You said 'you,' but I did not name it."

"Who did?"

"My dad did, to go along with Shika and Chou."

"Come on… I know you had involvement."

"Will you hurt me if I say no?"

"Yes."

And with that, Ino never knew what Shikamaru wanted to name it: Sarah. :(

-WITH GAARA AND SAKURA…-

"I'm tired of these –beep-ed up exhibits. We're leaving."

"'Kay, Gaara-cha-" Sakura stopped, staring into Gaara's glare.

So they left. Gaara was about to get to the rides when Sakura pulled him to the grass by his arm and pointed to a man walking a tight rope high above the main lake (which had a fountain in the center just to let you know hey, this is fun! (yo yo yo (yo yo yo (I'm done)))). Gaara smiled maniacally. Again he used the third eye technique, crushed the eye, and sent the sand grains toward the tight rope guy. Gaara activated a new ability of the third eye: Mind Mess-Up Thingy-yeah, he's not very original. The eye slowly followed the guy, making subliminal messages straight from Gaara's mind.

"Look down… Fall…" the eye continuously transmitted. The guy eventually succumbed and fell to his watery grave.

This time Gaara grabbed Sakura's arm and pulled _her_ by the arm. "We're riding rides," he said, and pulled her to… well… the rides.

-WITH NARUTO AND HINATA…-

As the two passed the Tunnel of Love (thankfully not based on anything in the national state fair), Hinata felt a burst of courage. She slammed Naruto right into one of the swans and quickly jumped in with him. Neji jumped into the swan behind them. His plan was perfect. He would jump into those two' swan and then shove Hinata out and drown her. After a while he decided it was finally time to strike. Unfortunately, there was a curve, and when he jumped, he ended up falling into the water. The vortex of a nearby waterfall pulled him in, his head still underwater. (At this point, one must wonder if I do indeed hate Neji. The answer is no. He is one of my favorite characters. I just like seeing him suffer: D) So now Neji was getting squashed between a waterfall and a stream, legs flailing. Luckily for him, Tenten was stalking him and was able to save him from certain death… well, unconsciousness. Well, discomfort, I guess. After the ride, Neji rushed off.

He ran onto a nearby stage to see what he could see of the two. Suddenly, though, the band that was performing there ran on stage, knocking Neji off. He fell down the hill next to the stage and into… an open meat locker! He tried to get out, but it was locked from the outside! I'm using too many exclamation points! Neji curled into a little ball.

Meanwhile, Tenten could not find him. But after twenty minutes she went to the place where she heard a rapping, rapping on the meat locker door eighteen minutes earlier.. Why she didn't check there then is anyone's guess. Anyways, she opened the door to find a Neji-cicle. She rolled him out of the locker and defrosted him with the friction of rubbing with some meat in the locker, making Neji smell quite bad. Thankfully, she also had Wet Ones (haha). As soon as he woke up he rushed toward Pharaoh's Fury, a swinging ride in the shape of a large boat.

Neji gave the carnie running the ride three tickets, the required amount, and sat in the back of the ride, while Naruto and Hinata sat in the front. Neji pulled out a kunai just as the ride started. After the boat was at full height, he stood and threw the kunai knife down. Unfortunately, a random idiot guy (not to be confused with the first random idiot guy, nor to be confused with random dude) stoop up and got stabbed in the back of the head by the knife. I mean unfortunately for Neji. I don't give a flying crap about that guy. Also unfortunately for Neji was that when he stood up he loosened the safety bar. He pulled out another knife and when his side rose up, he stood again. But this time, he fell out of his seat and right in front of the path of the left side of the ride. It slammed him right back into the Oro horror ride. Something good has to happen to him in the next chapter.+

: This is an untrue claim.

-WITH INO AND SHIKA…-

"Let's ride the Power Surge!"

"No…"

"Avalanche?"

"No."

"Super Himalaya?"

"I… guess…" Shikamaru wouldn't mind riding a safe ride where he would be sitting right next to Ino.

"Ooookay!"

So they got on the ride, Shikamaru on the outside. The ride started fairly quickly. Ino held onto the rail on her side so she wouldn't crush him. But once the ride got fast, she crashed into. Once they were getting really fast, she wrapped her arms around him and he smiled, thinking it was a show of affection, but then he checked the safety bar and realized it was loose.

"DO YOU PEOPLE WANNA GO FASTER!" asked the ride controller.

Ino and Shikamaru yelled, "NO!"-but everyone else's "YES!" responses drowned out the two's voices. The controller turned the ride's speed up, and Ino and Shik flew right out of the ride. Shikamaru reflexively grabbed Ino; it was the end anyway. But luckily Tons of Fun-I mean CHOUJI-had fallen on his back because of a slight heart attack induced by the high grease content of the fair food, and they were able to fall onto his stomach.

Chouji, conscious again, said, "You guys finally publicly showed your affection for each other!" And let's just say Ino let Chouji's behind get acquainted with a pole.

-WITH SASUKE…-

He entered a house of mirrors in the black outfit he wore at the fight with Gaara. But he didn't look at the title of the house: "Elongated Mirror House." He still had dark marks under his eyes from sleep deprivation. If you can't guess what happens next, you're hopeless. He walked in and saw… Itachi! Sasuke turned on his Sharingan and did the hand seal for Chidori, next starting it up. Itachi did the same. He attacked Itachi, buy when Sasuke slashed through Itachi, no blood fell. Then Sasuke realized that what he killed must have just been a doppelganger. He looked around and saw even more. He killed them all, only to find no real Itachi, but not realizing that he was attacking mirrors. He flicked off the carnie running the ride and walked off. Silly Sasuke.

-WITH NEJI…-

He was walking past a lot of game stands. Suddenly eh saw Tenten hitting balloons with darts in order to win a Neji plushie… probably for him out of conscience. Okay, definitely for him. She then saw him and waved. Unfortunately, she was cheating and controlling the darts, and as she waved, one of the darts…

"-Beep-, woman!" …stabbed his thigh. He collapsed in pain, clutching his leg.

Tenten started crying. "I'm so sorry, Neji! Let's ride the Ferris wheel! It's not dangerous! Much!"

Neji agreed. A great place for dart gun sniping!

-WITH NARUTO AND HINATA…-

"Let's go on the Ferris wheel!"

"O-okay, Naruto-kun."

Shikamaru and Ino also decided to take a break and did the ride as well.

-WITH NEJI AND TENTEN…-

They ere about to get to the ride when they saw the fireworks. They sat down at thee edge of a hill and watched them. Tenten patted Neji on the back… a little too hard. Neji tumbled down the hill and onto something very not. He looked down to the left and saw a fireworks launcher, extended from his seat.

-WITH SASUKE… AND ITACHI!-

"I've got you now, big brother!"

Just then, a flaming, white-eyed UFO slammed into Sasuke, KO'ing him instantly. Itachi just walked off…

About fifteen minutes later, Tenten came, put out Neji, woke him up, and took him to the Ferris wheel.

-AT THE FERRIS WHEEL…-

"It'll be fun, Gaara!"

"No it won't, you foolish girl."

But after a pointless dialogue, Gaara caved. As Sakura got on the ride, she gave the carnie a 20 and told him to make it seem like there was a malfunction once they reached the top, and wait for three hours. Then the other three groups entered, each with one representative doing the same thing, Ino and Shik staying simply for a bet. The carnie, not very smart, thought this meant for them to stay at the top for twelve hours.

Neji sat there bored, going up to the top for the first time. He tapped his dart gun with each fingernail. Then, when he got to the top, the ride stopped.

"Engine trouble! It'll be a long time," said the carnie.

"-Beep-," said Neji. But hew as happy; now he could kill little Hinata, who was a little bit below him… and soon she would be six feet under him! Assuming he was standing right on the grave! Otherwise, the distance would be determined using the distance formula! "Mwahahahahahahahahaha!" No, Neji wasn't cackling about the distance formula.

-WITH GAARA AND SAKURA…-

"-Beep- that –beep- -beep-er. This is –beep-ed up!"

"It's not that bad! I'm here!"

"Like I said, this is –beep-ed up."

-WITH NARUTO AND HINATA…-

"I-it's cold, Naruto-kun…" said Hinata, expecting Naruto to hug her for body heat.

"Take my jacket!"

Hinata got slightly angry. Man, Naruto-kun can be so stupid sometimes… okay, all the time. Nevertheless, she took the jacket, but noticed something. "Naruto-kun, what's that white spot on your shirt?"

"The original color of my shirt. That's what it used to look like."

Hinata had to turn to the left side of the cart and regurgitate, which randomly hit Yoroi's head. Oh well, who cares?

-WITH SHIKAMARU AND INO…-

Ino was lightly shaking the cart.

"Don't do that."

"Scared, Shika-chan?

"No… this cart is not hanging on good hinges… we'll fall."

Ino started jerking it more. "No, you're just scared!"

"I told you, I'm not."

"Then let me shake it!"

"No, dumbarse!"

Ino slapped him. "You jerk!"

"Biotch!"

"Bustard!"

"-Beep-!"

"-Beeep-!"

"-Beeeep-!"

"-Beeeeep-!"

"-Beeeeeep-!"

"Look at me, I'm rockin' the caaart!"

And guess what! She did! Unfortunately, there were hinges on both sides of the cart! And they were rotating! Suddenly, she flipped the cart and they fell on the roof, KO'ing them instantly. Shikamaru tooold her.

-WITH NEJI AND TENTEN…-

"You are invading my personal space…"

Again, Tenten was asleep. Neji had tried everything, but to no avail. Finally, he snapped in defeat. Tenten suddenly woke up.

"Who? What?"

"Wow… if only I had known that two years ago…"

-THREE HOUR MARK…-

'Okay… time to get down…' thought Hinata. But the ride did not end…

-WITH SHIK AND INO…-

They were conscious again and were moving around. Too bad they were still upside down. The cart flipped again and they fell on the top of the cart below them, KO'ing them again.

-TWELVE HOUR MARK…-

-WITH NARUTO AND HINATA…-

After listening to Naruto's tales of how his shirt turned from white to black, his constant hunger complaints, and the near heat stroke she had, Hinata was unconscious, and had an empty stomach. Naruto was happy as he walked away from the ride.

-WITH SHIKAMARU AND INO…-

AGAIN, they were unconscious. But then they got lowered and fell right down to the ground, KO'ing them AGAIN!

-WITH GAARA AND SAKURA…-

Gaara had KO'ed Sakura after she got within ten feet of his personal space, a strict precautionary rule. He was glad as he got down.

-WITH NEJI AND TENTEN…-

Neji was sick of his –beep-ed up luck. He stomped his foot on the floor. Unfortunately, the high humidity and the already weak metal of the cart caused the floor to give way. As he fell he yelled, "FUUUUUU…"

To be continued in Chapter 5,

"Horror, or Something Like That"


	5. Horror, or Something Like That

Chapter 5

**Horror, or Something Like That**

Neji was about to fall on Lee when Lee randomly punched the air, simultaneously hitting Neji where it hurts. But because of Lee's extreme strength, Neji flew into the oblivion as he yelled in a VERY high voice, "Team –beep- you Lee is blasting off again!"

A few minutes later Tenten got off the ride and confirmed the fact that Lee would have to visit Tsunade for surgery again. She yelled, "YOU –BEEP-ING PIECE OF CRAP! YOU HAD BETTER HOPE TO HIGH HEAVEN THAT YOU DIDN'T CAUSE ANY SERIOUS DAMAGE! IF YOU SO MUCH AS CAUSED A LASTING BRUISE, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND STAB YOU UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO STAB!"

Lee simply passed out.

-LATER, AT ORO'S HOUSE…-

"Kabuto, gimme the medicine," commanded Tenten.

"No!"

"Fine! Use a healing technique!"

Kabuto thought about what he would have to touch, and not on Orochimaru. "No! What do you think I am? A pervert?"

Tenten, thinking about how many times Kabuto has had to dress Oro, responded, "Yup."

"I'm not helping you."

"YES YOU –BEEP-ING ARE!" Tenten was tired of this guy. She suddenly pulled out a huge sword that looked a lot like the Tesseiga.

-IN INU-YASHA LAND…-

Sesshoumaru hit Inu-Yasha in the back of his head. He yelled, "You stupid, retarded piece of crap. How could you lose my-er, our-I mean your sword! I-we-you will probably never get it back!"

"Hey, stop it! She was scary…"

Sesshoumaru just sighed and walked off. Just a few more reasons to hate his no-good, dirty, sword-stealing little brother.

-BACK WITH TENTEN AND KABUTO…-

Tenten attacked, and let's just say that if Kabuto hadn't dodged, he would have lost more than just his –coughgaycough- ponytail.

"Okay, okay! This medicine will cure him." Tenten took the medicine from Kabuto and dashed of at the speed of light. After she left, Kabuto stumbled into a nearby chair, reclined, and turned on his medley of Cher hits.

-LATER…-

"Here, Neji-chan, take these pills! They'll make you all better!"

"Illegal narcotics? Again?"

"Not this time!"

-FLASHBACK-

Neji was in a hospital bed after Lee accidentally shoved him off a cliff during a mission as Tenten entered. "Here, Neji-chan, take these pills! They'll make you all better!"

Then Tenten held up some prescription sleeping pills that were obviously not prescribed to Neji, but he was in so much pain didn't notice and took the pills. Now all she had to do was wait for Neji to get doped and he'd have to treat her decently! Which is actually rather pathetic…

-END FLASHBACK-

Neji reluctantly took the medicine after staring at the package and at Tenten back and forth for five minutes. He instantly stood and threw his arms in the air.

"All better! And I didn't have to be healed by having my precious-oh so precious-hair cut like last time!" Yay for chapter 235 spoilers!

"Hey! Today's Halloween!"

"WOW! …Who cares…?"

"We've gotta get some costumes!"

"What's this 'we' business?"

"You're trick-treating, right?"

"No…"

"You should! It's fun!"

"How can taking possibly lethal items from strangers be fun? We do that everyday on missions!"

"But… you get to look funny or scary!"

"…Like Lee?"

"-Beep- it. You're goin'." Tenten shoved _another_ sleeping pill in Neji's mouth and dragged him by the arm to the costume store.

-WITH NARUTO…-

"Hmm… What costume? Wait! I can do Henge and transform!"-big group "DUH"-"Hmm… I know! I'll be Sasuke!"

"That's stupid."

"-Beep- you Sasuke! You're just, like, angry 'cause I'm gonna replace you!"

"Then how about I be-"

"Me!" said Sakura, walking up.

"I don't want _Sasuke _to love me!"

"Then I'll be you, Naruto."

"Don't disgrace me!"

"Disgrace you! I don't want to disgrace myself!"

It didn't get much more interesting than that… except for the instance of Sasuke shoving a rabid squirrel down Naruto's pants. Funny what they fight about sometimes.

-WITH HINATA…-

'What would Naruto find appealing?' Hinata asked silently. Crap, how can she do that! This is getting irritating! 'Ramen? NO… Sakura? No… I'd never be that –beep-… Iruka? Hmm…' SERIOUSLY, THIS IS FREAKING ME OUT, OMIGOSH!

-WITH SAKURA…-

After seeing the squirrel-pants encounter, Sakura walked off, sickened and disturbed. Besides, she had to get her witch costume. Then she'd look evil… like Gaara-_chaaan_…

-WITH TEAM SHIK…-

"But we're supposed to be Ino-Shika-Chou, Ino… That's the way it's always been…"

"But I'm gonna be a witch, Shika-chan!"

"Fits you perfectly…"

Ino pounded the crap out of Chouji for his last remark. Yeah. She does that a lot. An inspiration for Chouji's comment, possibly? Then she looked into Shik's eyes and saw how sad he was. Which was actually sadness form boredom… but whatever works, I guess…

"Well… If you're so big on our team's relationships… which is strange-"

"My dad will torture me if we aren't Ino-Shika0Chou…"

"-then why don't you be a warlock? And Chouji can be a… tch, who cares?"

"You're hurtful, Ino!"

"Shut up, Chouji."

-WITH LEE AND GAI…-

"Lee! Be whatever you want! With your good personality and good looks"-tch, yeah right-"you'll always be awesome!" See above comment

"Thanks Gai-sensei! Guess what! I'll dress like you!"

That'll be hard…

-WITH TEMARI AND GAARA…-

"Why don't you be a pirate, Gaara?"

"No."

"A doctor?"

"No."

"An angel?"

"I'd sooner rip out my small intestine, slice it into equal spaghetti-sized lengths, put the pieces in a bowl, cover them in meat sauce ground from my colon, and have them on a romantic date with Sakura, with one piece longer than the rest and placed in a position so that the two of use each get one side and swallow them so as to eventually lead to a heavily clichéd kiss."

"Well thought out!"

"I did it once to this guy… up until the date part."

"Anyways… what are you dressing up as?"

"Nothing. I'm staying back at the hotel."

"No! Come on!"

"Don't –beep- with me. Just because you're my favored sibling doesn't mean I like you."

"Don't make me hug you."

"Good persuasion… A demon I will be."

That'll be hard…

-AT THE COSTUME SHOP…-

"Hey! Let's be Jack Skellington and the Corpse Bride!" said Tenten.

"No," responded Neji.

"Frankenstein and Frankenstein's bride?"

"No."

"Dracula and one of his brides?"

"No."

"Werewolf and his bride?"

"No-Hey! There's no such thing!"

"Sorry… Couldn't think of anything else."

"Let's just be those…"

Neji pointed to two very gruesome costumes.

"'Kay!"

-AT THE WITCH CONSTUME SECTION…-

"One left!"

"Congratulations, you learned to count, forehead girl."

"SHUT UP, INO-PIG!"

"Why do you need it?"

"To impress… Gaara-chaaan…"

"That crazy red-head kid?"

"DON'T INSULT HIM, YOU JERK!"

"Hmph… You've always had a short temper…"

"HUNH! …And why do you want the outfit?"

"To impress Shikamaru and Sasuke!"

"How unoriginal…"

Then they started fighting, Sakura in the end winning. Ino walked off angrily.

-LATER…-

Ino had searched everywhere, but had found no witch costume. Eventually, she just settled on a wizard's costume. A slightly small wizard's costume. That shows to go you the dangers of giving writing tools to strangers.

Ino then tried it on and got Shikamaru to check her out.

"Ino… isn't that costume a little… small?"

He had a point. The suit, which was long and loose for its age group was, on her, only down to the top of her knees, and looked a bit snug. Well, really, snug enough so the neck wasn't too far away from noose level.

"But it's nonrefundable and is a good color… Besides, what's the worst that could happen?"

"Suffocation?"

-THAT NIGHT…-

Konohamaru was staring at Ino, winking periodically. He eventually asked, "Hey, baby, seein' anyone?"

Oh yeah, she pounded his face in and sent him flying. As soon as he landed, he received an even bloodier nose from Mogei. Jealous little eight-year-olds…

Then Naruto walked up to the little shrimp and commented, "Get used to it and learn from it! I have!" And Naruto walked off in Sakura's direction.

-WITH GAARA…-

Gaara's left arm and the right side of his face were Shukaku.

"Hey mister," said a random little kid, "your costume is lame!"

Gaara's head turned 180 degrees so it was facing the little boy. "I WILL EAT YOUR BABIES!" The little boy ran off and Gaara's head twisted back. "…when the time comes…"

Suddenly Sakura ran up to Gaara. In a very short paragraph.

"Hey Gaara!" she said, and hugged him.

"…Why are you touching me?"

"Let's not start _this _again…"

"If I wanna start something I will!"

Then they started bickering.

"Just like an old couple…" Kankurou got kicked where it hurts by Gaara for his last remark. He also got kicked there by a random little girl who was wearing a costume just like his, except smaller. Serves him right for that Snow White get-up.

Everyone got a good laugh (well, Gaara had more of a cackle), and Lee was daring enough to wrap an arm around Sakura. And, as expected, Sakura shoved him into a nearby shrubbery. Sadly, it was but one shrubbery, not two arranged in a sort of walkway effect.

-WITH NARUTO…-

Naruto walked up to a house, knocked on the door, and said, "Trick or treat!" Anko opened the door.

"Heya, Naruto! Come on in… Watch out for the snakes!"

"AAH! CRAZY SNAKE LADY!" yelled Naruto as he rushed off.

"I lose more kids that way…" She then chuckled and greedily ate more of the confectionary contents of a nearby bowl.

Naruto ran s fast as he could and randomly ran into Sasuke. He was about to curse Sasuke out when Sasuke put his hand over Naruto's mouth and said, "Itachi is in this haunted house. I'm positive!" Then Sasuke dragged Naruto into the haunted house by the arm that was wrapped around Naruto's head.

Inside was just about everyone. They were all in some sort of waiting room that seemed unattended for years. Suddenly a very pale man (not Oro, thanks goodness) opened a huge door and led them in. As Gaara entered, he spat on the guy's cheek and smirked as the guy's makeup fell off. The man spent the next ten minutes in the bathroom weeping over his failure in life, and then over the fact that he was crying over failing at a free event.

They all eventually came in. Like the Haunted Mansion attraction at Disneyland, they entered a room with portraits not fully shown. Everyone who had been to the attraction expected the pictures to be funny, like some people hanging onto a tree over a bear, but what they saw only entertained Gaara. The walls rose to reveal… nothing. All of the portraits' bodies were cut off at the now very bloody waist. Everyone screamed except for Gaara, who laughed, and Neji and Sasuke, who were unaffected. As well as the fact that Sasuke was still being distracted by Naruto wriggling in his grasp. And the ninjas who planned this haunted house that this was a bad idea!

"Hold me, I'm scared, Gaara!" said Sakura. She was about to hug Gaara when he shot her a glare, at which point she slowly stepped back as one of the portraits spontaneously combusted.

The lights went out. Gaara just sighed and walked toward a small box attached to the wall just as an eerie voice beckoned them to the next room. Suddenly the voice fizzled out because Gaara had punched part of the box. Then he pulled a lever and the lights came back on. They entered the next room, but since they had just gone through the exit, they actually went into the Konoha graveyard.

The group walked around when suddenly Naruto's Sasuke illusion's clan pants were pulled and he fell into an open grave. Sasuke was pulled by his Naruto impression's pants into another grave. Everyone got pulled down by their costumes somehow. Of course, instantly everyone focused their charka in their feet (except Lee, but whatever) and walked back out. Then some random people that were covered in white makeup jumped at them. OF course all the ninjas instantly killed the attackers. They all walked off, Gaara spitting on the corpses. The pale man was joined by the designers, crying for the same reasons.

"What's next?" asked Naruto.

"There's… the dance!" commented Sakura.

Most all of those in the group with a Y chromosome declined, except for Lee, of course. But somehow the boys all went. IT was a delicate procedure involving duct tape… MUCH duct tape.

-AT THE FOOD TABLE THINGY…-

The DJ was currently playing "Monster Mash" and Gaara was sick of it. Why won't it just die! He finally decided what to do. He balled his demon hand into a fist-with much difficulty, of course. Then he walked up to the disk jockey's box and crushed the boom box that was playing the song, simultaneously shattering the entire music CD. He showed it!

-BACK WITH NARUTO…-

He had spiked the punch and was now dancing… until Gaara destroyed the music. Oh well, Naruto had gotten tired and thirsty anyway. So our favorite little idiot drank some punch. He wasn't knocked out, but he still got royally wasted.

Gaara then snuck up to the punch bowl, vodka in hand.

"I dUn DiD tHaT," stated Naruto.

Gaara looked at the wobbling boy and shrugged his differently-sized shoulders, soon followed by him spiking the punch.

Then Lee walked up to the punch bowl because of his extreme thirst after quite a while of pitiful dancing. He had three cups of the punch and soon had wrapped an arm around Naruto's shoulders, the two singing an Irish drinking song involving ferrets and terra cotta pie. In their drunken stupor they accidentally ran into a pile of flour sacks and were covered in white. And yes, Gaara spat on them.

To be continued in Chapter 6,

"F- You All!"

Yes, I know this is way out of schedule, but give me a break! I wrote it on Halloween! Of 2004!


	6. F You All!

Chapter 6

**F- You All!**

It was November First, and all of the young ninjas were gathered at the door of the Ninja Academy, even Naruto and Lee, who were both currently suffering from MASSIVE hangovers. No, they are NOT true Russians, or they would have been able to suck it up.

"Okay, today you're all going to-"

"Shut up! My ears are POUNDING!" said Naruto, interrupting Iruka.

"Hush! Anyway, you are all going to teach. It will be a good learning experience."

"But I thought those who can't learn, teach?" asked Ino as Neji, Gaara, and Sasuke all started walking off. Unfortunately, Iruka pressed a button, and they were all barred in. Again.

"-Beep-," cursed the trio of boys.

"Anyways, here are your classes."

Iruka gave them all papers with their classes and room numbers, after which they all reluctantly headed to their classes.

-WITH GAARA, ROOM 666…0-

The class was yelling and freaking out, and Gaara was fixing to do the same. Well, he did, actually. He was about to raise his voice, but simply lowered it and looked out over the rowdy group. He simply said in his most chilling voice, "Shut your ugly little faces before I rip out your hearts and throw you into meat lockers…"

Everyone quickly went silent, one crapping his pants, as they meditated on Gaara's _kind_ sentiment.

-WITH SAKURA, ROOM 7, BUT SOMEOHOW NEXT GO GAARA'S ROOM…-

All the children were bound and gagged and Sakura had dislodged a brick from the wall, and now was staring as Gaara demonstrated his threat on a random kid. Yes, for the record, it was the kid that crapped his pants. She sure did wonder what Gaara was going to do with that heart! For a little while!

-WITH NEJI, ROOM 1010…-

Neji was teaching a science class… a _ninja _science class… as Tenten walked in.

"…What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I'm teaching here!"

Neji sighed and rolled his eyes. Possibly.

-IN PEE CLASS…TEE HEE… I MEAN P.E. CLASS…-

"Okay class, it's time for some stupid activity that is too troublesome for words. One second. Okay, I've got it, jump rope. Whatever," stated Shikamaru, irritatingly out of place. Not that any workplace is really a place he prefers.

"But our regular coach makes us do stretches..," commented one of the students in front of him.

"Well your regular coach is dead. I ate him."

Many of the stupid little children cried, but NO, none of them crapped their pants. Just to have that one on record.

-IN INO'S ROOM, 11\10…-

"Make sure to water it daily, keep it in fresh dirt, and leave it out in the sun!"

"Um, Miss Yamanaka… I don't think that's how you prepare a cake!" said a student.

-IN INO'S ROOM, AKA HOME EC… STILL IN ROOM 11\10…-

Ino sighed and opened the "Cooking For People That Have Absolutely No Business Cooking" cookbook.

-NEXT DOOR, CHOUJI'S ROOM, ROOM 244…-

"Heat to 400 degrees for three hours, beforehand putting a can of cola and some cream of onion soup on top," explained Chouji.

"Won't the flowers burn?" asked a child.

"We're making roast beef… no flour. Even if there was flour, you need to understand that flour is a non-flammable powder."

"What does roast beef have to do with pansies?"

"Are you making fun of me, kid?"

"No, it's Gardening class, we are planting pansies, Mr. Fatas…terson…"

"Well actually, my name is Mr. Akimichi, but whatever works!"

Chouji then pulled out the "Gardening For Complete Morons" manual.

-IN THE COUNSELOR'S ROOM, SASUKE'S ROOM, WITHOUT A NUMBER, BECAUSE IT IS FUN TO CONFUSE MENTALLY PERTURBED CHILDREN…-

"…and they beat me!" finished a crying child.

"Who cares? Life is pointless, and its only faucet is death… There is no reason to go on through life in this miserable world… -Beep- you, Itachi!"

The boy ran out of the office crying. Sasuke simply shrugged, twirled in his swivel chair, and pressed a buzzer on his desk, proceeding to ask, "Next?"

-IN ADVANCED CALCULUS, NARUTO'S ROOM, ROOM 875 DIVIDED BY THE SQUARE ROOT OF 65, THE NUMERATOR BEING ADDED TO THE THIRD POWER OF PI, AS DICTATED BY THE SUM OF THE SQUARE ROOTS OF TRIANGLE _X_…-

"Uh… class? What are you learning about?" asked Naruto.

"All about pi!" responded one rather geeky child.

"Uh, that's home economics, four-eyes."

"No, P-I!"

"Language Arts!"

"No, 3.14-"

"Quiet, I got it, no thanks to you… You seem to know it well, so let's just do some algebra.

Naruto looked at the book… and just kept on staring for a good five minutes, occasionally glancing at the students. He eventually asked, "When did they start adding letters?"

"Since forever, duh, stupid," commented Konohamaru.

"Oh… that explains why my algebra grade had one digit…" Naruto soon realized, though, that Konohamaru had just insulted him, and said through gritted teeth, "Why you little-!" and started choking the little boy in a very Homer-esque style.

-IN THE VICE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, HINATA'S ROOM, ROOM 2…-

A kid got dragged into Hinata's room by a teacher holding his ear. The teacher told Hinata to suspend him.

"I can't suspend you… you're so cute!" Hinata said to the little boy. But the moment he winked at her, he had been kicked out so hard that he would have to flush blue jean fragments down the toilet for the next three weeks.

-IN CARPENTRY CLASS, KANKUROU'S CLASS, ROOM 3455675454…-

"Hey Mr. Fatso! Did you make that puppet?" asked a student.

"No, for the 9,367th time! I counted!" responded a red-faced Kankurou. So with the current color palette on his face, he looked fairly similar to a clown.

"Okay, Mr. Fat Clown. Hey Mr. Bozo, did you make that puppet?"

"No. Your mom did."

-BACK WITH GAARA…-

"What the –beep- are you doing here…" muttered Gaara.

"I'm teaching now!" said Temari.

"What's my class? If it's stupid, you DIE."

"Interpretive dancing."

"Die."

"Another possibility would be… um… _peer mediation_?"

"Tcha, you know what? Uh-uh."

"Well there is… 'adult education'… if you catch my drift."

Soon his sister was forced into the hall. By Gaara's foot. "-Beep-. So close…" she muttered as she slowly stumbled down the hall toward the last class mentioned.

-WITH LEE, BAND ROOM, ROOM 8556…-

"Okay! I brought in Tenacious D to sing about me. Sing 'Lee,' guys!" requested Lee.

"Bull. We're gone," said Jack Black.

"Oh well. Come in, Metallica!" Lead singer James Hettfield proceeded to shoot Lee in the stomach. "I'm okay!" said Lee as he passed out from blood loss.

-BACK WITH TEMARI…-

Temari was moping around and avoiding the class as Hinata's team was exiting the school.

"Where are you three going?" she asked.

"We got excused!" said Kiba.

"Is everyone leaving?"

"No, we're being escorted off the premises! It's all because of…"

-FLASHBACK-

-KIBA'S CLASS, POLICE TRAINING, BACK PARKING LOT…-

"Okay, kids! My little friend Akamaru is a trained killer and a police dog. He's going to sniff out some illegal drugs!" said Kiba.

Akamaru rushed to the trash can housing the drugs, jumped in, and stayed there.

"Akamaru… buddy…" said Kiba after ten minutes, approaching Akamaru. He put his hand in the trash can only to get three inches of enamel go into his hand on each side. "What the –beep-! My dog is high!"

-END FLASHBACK-

"…and then these guys came."

Suddenly a SWAT team appeared around the corner of the hall.

-POLICE LINEUP…-

On November 1, the following arrests were made:

Inuzuka Kiba is accused of one charge of forced consumption of on illegal narcotics on an animal, one charge of animal abuse, and one charge of impersonating an officer.

Akamaru is accused of one charge of use of illegal narcotics.

Yamanaka Ino is accused of one charge of misuse of dangerous kitchen equipment and 85 charges of assault and battery.

Nara Shikamaru is accused of one charge of criminal negligence of students.

Akimichi Chouji is accused of one charge of exceeding the weight limit at the workplace.

Hyuuga Neji is accused of 238 charges of attempted murder in the first degree.

Aburame Shino is accused of one charge of refusal to speak… at all.

Uzumaki Naruto is accused of 52 charges of child abuse and five charges of resistance to arrest.

Gaara of the Desert is accused of 999999999999 zzz zzz zzz zzz charges of murder.

Meh, I don't like Dragnet… -Changes channel to Comedy Central-

To be continued in Chapter 7,

"Bails and Sissies"


	7. Bails and Sissies

Chapter 7

**Bails and Sissies**

"Okay, now I know NO ONE wants to do 120 hours of community service, right?" Gai asked the 14 adolescents in orange jumpsuits and one in his regular clothes. They all agreed simultaneously. "Well, for twelve of you, it will happen. But four of you will be spared. Or more if Lee loses."

"What do we have to do! I'll do anything!" said Naruto.

"All you have to do is win the game day of all game days. The rules are simple. There will be four teams of four. Akamaru will count as one human, as he will transform into Kiba. Each team will have one girl, except for one team, which ill have two. Three people will participate in each event except for the final one, where all four will participate. There will be seven events. The first six will be divided in half. Each person will sit out in one event, participating in two events during each half."

"That's not simple! But I do understand… shut up Sasuke, it's not the apocalypse!"

"Er… Okay… Pick your teams!"

"Sasuke, you're on my team… and… White-Eyes… I know it's not your real name, shut up… hm, girl… my useless sister… no… annoyance… no… white-eyes girl… no… that girl with the number name… no… that mean one… no… I wonder if that dog's a girl…" Gaara thought aloud.

"HINATA SHINO AKAMARU!" yelled Kiba instantly.

"Son. Of. A. –Beep-. Oh wait. Neji, counts as a girl, right?" asked Gaara.

"No," responded Gai.

"Sure?"

"Positive."

"N-no! I-I'm a girl… I just have a deep voice."

"Shut up, Neji."

"Um… Shikamaru, Chouji, and… Temari… I guess," said Ino.

"Then I guess that leaves Lee… sadly, Naruto, and Kankurou on my team!" said Tenten.

"Why you little! DIE!" yelled Gaara.

"Hiii!" said Sakura.

"First event: triath-"

"BS!"

"l-"

"BS!"

"o-"

"Bull -beep-!"

"-n!"

"-Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-!"

"Who'll do that?" asked Sasuke, ending Gaara's tantrum prematurely.

"Sasuke… how long can you hold your breath?" asked a slightly more settled Gaara.

"I could cheat and teleport!"

"No techniques!" stated Gai.

"Two minutes…" muttered a disheartened Uchiha. Well, Sasuke. Itachi, a thousand or so miles away, was quickly becoming disheartened as he tried to squeeze out that last bit of ketchup that just wouldn't come out.

Gaara smirked.

"Let's see… Shino… Can you swim?" asked Kiba.

"…"

"No?"

"…"

"Okay, Hinata?"

"I… guess…"

"Kankurou… you can't swim, that freaky puppet thing will swell up to… Chouji's size! Haha! Lee's running… I'm biking… Naruto, you swim." stated Tenten.

"Temari, you can fan and use the wind to bike faster, Chouji, you can float… and swim, possibly. I'll run… Shikamaru, you're worthless. Sit. Just… sit," commanded Ino.

"I'll bike!" said Neji. "That strap on my head's from a bike helmet."

"Well if you go unconscious by the helmet failing, we certainly won't be able to tell by your eyes, but whatever. I guess that fool will run…" stated Gaara, pointing to Sakura, who in fact had an IQ not very much dissimilar to his.

"On your marks, get set, go!" announced Gai.

"Sasuke… take a walk," stated Gaara.

Sasuke smirked and ran underwater at top speed, passing everyone in a breeze. He lightly touched Sakura and rushed off to fix, well, actually ruin, his currently flattened hair. Sakura was disparagingly slow, but Gaara had an idea. He teleported right next to her. "Sakura… would you run faster? For me? Or Sasuke, perhaps?" he asked in a somewhat kind, albeit forced, voice. This faded away as he added, "Just remember, if you lose, you fail us all. Oh, and I will kill you."

She then ran at Lee's speed WITHOUT weights. She hit Neji's back so hard he nearly fell down. He few off on his bike. Literally. No BSin'. He won with ease. Gaara's team was so far ahead they had time for chips and salsa (which wasn't shared between them). They were followed by Tenten's team, then Ino's, then Kiba's.

"Okay… NO more physical challenges…" stated Gai. "The next event is criminal justice. You ha-"

"Wait, there're four of us on each team… shouldn't there be nine games?" asked Neji, interrupting his jounin teacher.

"…Shut up, Neji… Two people will only be out once, and two will be out twice. I'm not thinking this over again. My brain is still hurting from the first thinking. AS I WAS SAYING, the team that catches the most sleazebags and/or dignified criminals wins. Gosh, I hate being politically correct… Each person gets one cop car and one speed meter. You'll have two hours starting… hm… now."

-WITH GAARA, SASUKE, AND NEJI…-

"What do we have here? A pothead?" asked Gaara rhetorically, stopping at an alleyway.Sasuke rushed into the alley, slammed the guy on the pavement, handcuffed the guy behind his back, grabbed the guy's shoulders, lifted him, and slammed him back down. H repeated the process ten more times and flipped the guy over.

"Crap! You're not Itachi! Wrong drugee… Oh well…"

-WITH KANKUROU, TENTEN, AND NARUTO…-

"You're goin' down, you delinquents!" exclaimed Naruto, chasing down Konohamaru's group. He slammed them on the handcuffed them, and threw them in the cop car.

"What'd they do?" asked Tenten.

"…Iunno…"

-WITH CHOUJI, SHJIKAMARU, AND TEMARI…-

"I don't see anyone…" said Temari.

"Let's beat someone up with the sticks!" said Chouji.

"Sounds like a plan… but I know it isn't…" responded Shikamaru.

-LATER, AFTER THE EVENT…-

"Team Gaara: 20 points, for drug addicts, Team Tenten: -12 for jail breaks, Team Ino: -75 for police abuse and shirking, and Team Kiba: 60 for catching the one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater. Our winner: Team Kiba! SO the G team and K team each have one point. Next event: cheer-leading competition!"

There was a big G team "SON OF A –BEEP-!" excluding, of course, Sakura, who had a bone to pick with Ino after the frying pan collision which caused her to get a broken leg, and her team to lose to Ino's.

-G TEAM, READY TO KILL!-

"Okay… I have to participate… whatever, you're a girl, participate… White-Eyes, you _look_ like a girl, participate…" muttered Gaara.

-T TEAM, WHO GIVES!-

"Me, Lee, and the gay guy… What's his name, anyway?" asked Tenten, forgetting it since the last time she said it. How's that obscure for you?

-I TEAM, WASTING TIME!-

"Me, Shik, and Temari," announced Ino. "Sorry Chouji. You're just a fatas-"

-K TEAM, WASTE OF TIME!-

"Alright! It'll be me, Hinata, and Shino!" said Kiba. Just to make him slightly interesting, a football flew at him and hit him where it hurts, reducing him to a quivering mass.

-G TEAM, G!-

"Okay… any plans?" asked Neji.

"Human pyramid! Gaara on top!" Sakura said, already having thought this out. "That'll show that little who-"

"He weighs 20 pounds, stupid prep!"

"Just for the record, my GOURD weighs 90 pounds. I weigh 110," slightly shoving Neji.

"Don't shove me!" Neji said, shoving Gaara back.

"Don't shove Gaara!" Sakura said, shoving Neji.

"Don't shove White-Eyes!" Gaara said, shoving Sakura.

"Don't call me that!" Neji said, shoving Gaara.

"Don't push me without reason!" Gaara said, shoving Neji.

Then G team started beating the crap out of each other, except for Sakura, who only beat the crap out of Neji, Gaara, who decided that beating up Sakura would only be counterproductive against Neji, and Sasuke, who wasn't there.

-T TEAM… T.-

Who cares?

-I-I… I TEAM!-

"Shikamaru, since you really don't do ANYTHING, we'll just, like, throw you… or something…" stated Ino.

-K TEAM, K?-

Hinata said nothing but secretly hoped to impress Naruto… always secretly… -Angstangstangst-

-FOOTBALL FIELD…-

"Okay… after that –coughcoughpervertedanddisgustingcoughcough- performance by Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson… ew… let's watch a light show the –coughpossiblepropcough- mountain!" announced Gai. Blablabla $15 lights blablabla. "Now, the Konoha cheerleaders! We have recently bought a –coughcoughcheapcoughcough- clap-o-meter. Whoever gets the most applause is the best! First up, G TEAM!"

Gaara's team walked out in bandages, excluding Gaara, whose sand armor made him look like an egg dropped off a skyscraper. Because of the serious injuries, Gaara just glared and threatened the audience with "CLAP or DIE!" and got 9 out of 10.

"Next team: I TEAM!" announced Gai.

As planned, they mainly just threw Shik around. Throwing him off the pyramid, grabbing his hands and throwing him back and forth, and human pong. Imagining all the damage Shikamaru must have sustained, the crowd gave them 0 out of 1-.

"Um… K team…" muttered Gai.

Their show was in no way entertaining. Kiba was in lead, a big mistake. Let's just completely forget the horrible choreography, pitiful music, and the overall horrible work… and the fact that I just sounded like Simon Cowell. Surprisingly, they got 5 out of 10.

"Finally, T team!" said Gai.

They weren't mentioned for A REASON! Y-yeah… too many words… They were absolutely and completely superior. 10 out of 10.

"Well it looks like we have our winner! T-TEAM!" yelled Gai.

"I will hunt you all down and rip you open! Lock your doors…" threatened Gaara. Everyone did so, Naruto accidentally locking himself out. Whatever.

-THE NEXT DAY…-

"Alright, Event, Number Four, personality test! A written exam! Fifteen questions, five about each of your teammates. Here they are…" Gai explained, passing out the papers and some pencils. Considering that's usually how a written exam works.

-25 MINUTES LATER…-

"Okay, stop everybody," Gai said, picking up the papers. "Let's see… G TEAM got… 63 points-"

"Hey! How'd they get that! There's only 45 points possible!" argued Naruto.

"Well, Sasuke got nine questions right, Gaara left most of them blank, including the question about his teammates' names, and Sakura wrote a 96-page report about Gaara. I didn't really want to read that whole things, so I just gave them an unreasonable amount of points. There is no point in naming any other team points, for everyone else blew. So now it's G team: 2, T team: 1, I team: -1, and K team: 1. Event five: The Path of Death! Let's give a layout. First, you have to go through the shifting maze, run through the half-mile flame tunnel, and pass the baton you'll be carrying to the next person. That person must enter the care near them, drive for six miles, stop, get out, run across the thin ice where if you stay stationary for longer than two seconds you'll fall into the freezing water, then pass the baton to the final person. That person must them enter a helicopter and fly pas the anti-aircraft weaponry. If they crash, they must cross a mine field. If they get pas that, they must pass through fifty feet of thin, moving death lasers and give me the baton. Ready?" asked Gai.

There was a big group "SON OF A-"

-…EFORE THE EVENT…-

…

-EVENT! OF DOOOOOOM!-

Sasuke, Lee, Temari, and Kiba were all lined up at a crimson line.

"Ready, set, die/go!" announced Gai.

They started off. Lee was in the lead, then Sasuke, then Temari, then finally Kiba. But Lee got confused and started running back to the starting line. Kiba and Temari were dong so-so, but Sasuke blew them away. He faced trouble, though, in the flame tunnel. Since he happened to be wearing his black one-piece pant outfit, he soon lit up like a dead, dry log. He started rolling on the ground, turning into a ninja inferno. Kiba and Temari soon faced the same fate, though not as severe. They stayed there for about fifteen minutes until Lee flew past them in his special non-flammable spandex suit. Sasuke finally picked himself up and passed the non-flammable baton on to Neji.

Temari and Kiba had to be taken away by the ear-muffed doctor people on stretchers, disqualifying their teams. Neji soon caught up with Tenten. She didn't have the heart to hit Neji with her vehicle, but he did have the _nerve _to slam her into a tree with his. She backed up from the tree and, regretting, did the same back. They exited their cars at about the same moment and were neck and neck on the ice, but Tenten slipped and fell under.

She called for help but he ignored her. Then her cold, blue hand pulled Neji under as well. She slammed him on the seafloor and started choking him Homer style. He shoved her away and swam with all his might up to the surface, continuing to pass the baton to Sakura. Unfortunately, Tenten had already swan into a nearby aquifer and thrown up the baton to Naruto through a well. Sakura and Naruto entered their respective choppers and were off. Naruto swerved toward Sakura and accidentally got their rotary blades knotted together. As they fell, Naruto apologized with "I hope this won't affect our relationshiiiiiiiiiiip!"

When they landed, Sakura promptly shove Naruto on the nearest mine. There was a huge mushroom cloud explosion and Naruto was heard screaming, "WOW, NOW I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LITERALLY BE 'MAN ON FIRE!' EAT THAT, DENZEL!"

True to his word, Naruto was indeed a human blaze, but his stomach almost instantly ate the flame. When Sakura gave him an inquisitive look, Naruto explained, "Oh, they're just explosives! Kyuubi causes me to combust since he's flammable, but then he eats the flames up… just like candy!"

Naruto was officially promoted to meat shield. He plowed through the field with her close behind. Finally, they reached the lasers. Sakura, the little free-loading urchin, was far ahead of Naruto. But, for payback, Naruto called, "I hope this won't affect our relationship!" and threw the blunt side of a kunai at her. She fell down and tastefully got holes blown through her.

"HALLELUJAH!" yelled Gaara. Problem solved.

Naruto won with six holes through his body But what's worse (for Gaara), Sakura walked out alive and we-um, alive.

"Bull –BEEP-!" Gaara cursed.

"Out of pity… um… hold your breath contest…" stated Gai.

Gaara, who hardly ever breathes, easily won it.

-6 DAYS LATER…-

"Okay, now that Temari and Kiba are out of their heart induced coma, let's do the final event" the COMMECIAL! G team has already won. If T team gets one more point, they'll also win. If G team wins, only they will win. There's no hope for anyone else!" Gai announced. "You'll be advertising Buzz, the super energy drink.

-COMMERCIALS: THE FIRST COMING! 8 HOURS OR SO LATER!-

"First up, G team!" announced Gai. He pointed to the large movie screen in front of the theater they were all seated in. The directors were respectively wearing tacky baseball caps.

"Enter Sandman" by Metallica started playing as Gaara walked up on the screen. "What drives me? Well hate, of course, but that's a given. I am also driven by the unreasonable amounts of sugar, caffeine, and untested chemicals found in THE BUZZ!" he announced.

Then a huge Buzz can made of sand came up from the ground. Soon the can busted open at one spot on the bottom and his teammates started running out as sand disguised as Buzz busted out behind them. Then everything reversed. As they were paused leaving the can, the sky started melting as gerbils ran across it. Then the screen switched to white, text on a black background saying, as read quickly by Sasuke, "TheBuzzwillcausethisstateofinsanityiftakeninexcess.Thebuzzcreatorsarenotresponsibleforanydamagedonetopersonalpropertyetceteradamagedbythedrinker."

Then a white room appeared with a can of The Buzz in it next to the motto, "DRINK OR DIE!"

"O-kay… Next, T TEAM!" announced Gai.

T team's film was CRAP. It was a cheap excuse for real talent. It looked like a home video, still have a REC text in red at the top right.

Lee came up holding a can and said in a monotonous and shaky voice, "H-hi everyone…. Um, tr-try Buzz-the Buzz-it's… wazzat? Goo? No, good. Um, yeah… Why is-no...! 'Why is it c-called B-buzz?' you –beep-no-ask. Hold the cue card level, Tenten! And spell things rit-no… RIGHT! Um try it… y-yeah!"

"Alrighty then! I TEAAAM!" announced Gai.

Their creation was amazing. A genius, namely Shikamaru, coordinated it. It was a perfect blend of all genres like a smoothie. Mmmm… smoothies… Or a salad. Ewww… salad… No details will be listed, considering how long it would take to describe all of its beauty.

Gai was wiping a tear from his eye as he announced, "K TEAM! Spend some of our time that could have otherwise been used for a productive purpose!"

That they did. So in the commercial, Akamaru, walked up to Kiba. Kiba said to the camera, "Here's proof that everything loves the Buzz. Come on up, RANDOM DOG WHO I DID NOT TRAIN TO RESPOND POSITIVELY!"

Akamaru did a sudden, impromptu growl. Kiba whispered to Akamaru to open his mouth and poured the buzz into Akamaru's mouth. In an instant one of Akamaru's eyes get every small while the other got very large. Then Akamaru started running in a straight line so fast he broke records. He could have gone faster if there wasn't that concrete wall in his path. The scene flashed off to Kiba and a random cat. "Well, if it isn't dog's best friend, cats are still CRAZY for it!" said Kiba, making a VERY general statement.

He held the can up to the kitten's nose so it could have a whiff, and that cat zoomed into its litter box where it passed out from the fumes from the Buzz. The screen flashed off and came back to Kiba standing next to a fish bowl. He tiredly commented, "Well, fish aren't picky…. they live in water all the time anyway…"

He poured a little buzz into the bowl. A mini-mushroom explosion took place in the bowl. Shino quickly put a sign in front of the screen saying "DRINK BUZZ!", which was quickly covered with water and fish blood.

'Well I can see who won by a landslide," announced Gai as the I team got hopeful expressions. "G and T teams win!"

"BULL –BEEP-! You just wanted Lee to win!" accused Shikamaru.

"…So?"

To be continued in Chapter 8,

"Oh How the Low Have Fallen"


	8. Oh How the Low Have Fallen

Chapter 8

**Oh How the Low Have Fallen…**

"So… um… whatcha want to do?" asked a bored Lee. "I wanna train!"

"Ramen!" suggested Naruto.

"Evilly plot!" suggested Gaara, Sasuke, and Neji in unison.

"As much as I hate to say it, we should stay together. That way, when the cops come, it'll be harder to take us all down," commented Kankurou.

"So… um… whatcha want to do?" Lee asked again.

"SHOPPING!" yelled Sakura.

A chorus of boys-and Tenten-responded with "NO!"

"We could laugh at all the people who have to do community service and throw trash at them…" suggested Gaara.

"That would be mean!" exclaimed Sakura.

"Exactly."

"I'm up for it," stated Sasuke. No one else agreed. "Well, we could divide into teams of two and do different things. After all, it's like running from an alligator; you don't have to run faster than the alligator, you just have to run faster than your friend."

"No, no it's not… But Comma Freak has a point. Join your groups…" commanded Gaara.

Gaara and Sasuke grouped together to torment the losers, Lee and Naruto grouped together to walk through Konoha and –coughcoughstareatSakuracoughcough-, Sakura and Tenten (reluctantly) decided to go shopping, and Neji and Kankurou refused to work together so Neji joined Sasuke and Gaara and Queerkurou joined Tenten and Sakura.

"Wait. One more thing. We'll meet back at 4:00 p.m. at Ichiraku," said Sakura.

-WITH GAARA, NEJI, AND SASUKE, 100:00 A.M.…-

"That is a lovely shade of –beep-! Dog –beep- is litter, so don't let it scare you," said Sasuke.

To this remark the community service losers flicked off the boy and said, "-Beep- you!"

"You missed some stuff…" said Gaara with an overstuffed gourd. He turned around and shot out almost half of the dump. All of the losers started cursing like crazy but reluctantly started cleaning up. "Well isn't this house conveniently placed?" A huge sand house nearby crumbled apart, pouring out the rest of the dump. "Badbye… fools…"

-WITH SAKURA, TENTEN, AND KANQUEERO, 10:15 A.M.…-

"Like, omigosh girlfriend!" said Kankurdope. Ewww…

-BACK WITH G, N, AND S…-

-WELL, FIRST, THE LOSERS…-

"Aw, crap…" complained a trash covered Kiba.

"Yeah… It is…" responded the temporarily brunette Temari.

-NOW WITH THE JERK THREE…-

"Hey… is Gai really allowed to dispose of our crimes?" asked Sasuke.

"No; Gai just crumpled up our records and threw them in the trash can in the police office. The 'genius' jounin must have listened in on my conversation with my team," stated Neji.

"Please tell me he was smart enough to rip up the records… Burn them…"

"Nope, I just saw him crumple up the papers and leave… OH –BEEP-!"

Neji's cursing was justified as twenty policemen started in pursuit of the delinquents. They were promptly killed, but nevertheless, this was a bad omen… bumbumbum… for dramatic effect…

-DUMBARSE DUO…-

"Lee… did you really need 38 pounds of free pamphlets?" asked Naruto.

"They ARE free! Besides, they should crop in at least 5 cents or so…"

"Alright… It does seem to be a bit immature, tho-WHAT THE –BEEP-! FREE FUDGE!"

-MALL-

The delinquent trio was being chased by a multitude of units in the criminal justice system, mainly doppelgangers. They suddenly saw the group of princesses… and queen. Suddenly realizing the meat shield potential of the latter, the prior flinched and entered "Hot Spot" or whatever you call that store you children go to these days…

"I knew you'd come," said Sakura, looking at Gaara.

Gaara simply glared… The three boys ran behind the group of those who like boys, and each ran into their respective clothes hanger carousels.

The two girls went into the women's bathroom, leaving Kankurou, who promptly got arrested. Whatever.

"Anyone else here?" asked one cop.

"No, as far as I'm concerned. Still sore after that Sound attack…" said another.

"Alright… Sandwich?"

"Sure…"

They all left. Then all five people appeared from wherever they were hiding. Suddenly a Scooby Doo tune started up as the coat ring people hid in rings and popped out at different rings. Then, after about five minutes of this stupidity, their thoughts again became coherent, and they all grouped back together with the other two.

"Okay… let's just stay together," said Naruto. As usual, Neji, Sasuke, and Gaara readily protested, but _something_ drew them back, namely a supposedly competitive activity that they could think of, or couldn't in this case. "What about… uh… um…"

"CAMPING!" announced Gai. The boys started walking off again. "We'll be looking for the _magical_ chakra fruit that gives lots of… um… power. _Whooo_…"

"We got arrested on the last time and are now escaped criminals. I'm going home…" said Gaara.

"You… you can't. There was a huge flood and your entire city is under 300 feet of compacted and cemented sand! And a gated gay community was built on top of it! They said very femininely in a letter that they would let you stay as Hokage, but I am assuming you are going to decline. Unless you're into that sort of thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But seriously, who'd have thunk it!"

"Ewww… oh well, I'll just live somewhere else."

"Konoha has the highest population of easy-to-kill idiots!"

"I'm in."

"Okay, get ready!"

"Wait, nature has, like, dirt, right?" asked Sakura.

"Just… go…"

-30 MINUTES LATER…-

"Ready…" said the ninjas, still slightly reluctant. Except for Lee.

"Okay! To the Forest of Death!" announced Gai, a bit too cheery. "Everyone got their tents?"

"Well, I had to 'borrow' Kiba's tent. It was a… tee hee… PUP TENT!" said Naruto.

"Shut up," said Sasuke. He has a way with words.

-FOREST OF DEATH, 1:03 P.M.…-

"Alright, let's start sear-"

"Can Kakashi-or anyone else-lead us?" asked Naruto, interrupting Gai.

"FINE! If I'm _so _bad, you can find the fruit yourself!" Gai stomped off. And got his foot stuck in a bear trap. Then limped off.

-CAMPFIRE, 7:45 P.M.…-

"Okay, let's share some scary stories!" said Lee.

"I'm for that," stated Gaara.

Everybody gathered around the fire. More specifically, on the opposite side of the fire from Gaara. He started, "It takes place at the now terminated Mushroom Village. A young sand genin had completed a Class B mission unscathed and had gone back to murder as always. He strangely found himself in a foreign area, filled with many irritating people who were short and shaped like… well, what mushrooms are usually shaped like. Ew. Anyways, one of them greeted him, and he disemboweled it as well as every other little fool in the city, by omitted due to certain mutilation descriptions that might be scary to the chilin'folk, and finally decided just to destroy the entire city. The end."

Those who weren't losing a lung in the bushes were just sitting and shivering, reflecting on Gaara's interesting tale.

"I-I'll go next…" Tenten muttered. "I heard this from-um-somewhere… So this kid-no, man-ch-child! Yeah! He-or was it _she_-no, just he I guess, was coming from school-no church-uhhh… school. He started walking down a… an… alley-or something… Anyway, he heard-uh-'Boooo…' No, wait… Can I start over?"

"No," responded Gaara."

"I'll go… NEXT! MWAHAHAHAhahaheehee…" Neji paused his speech to clear his throat. "Uh… Anyway… Little Billy foolishly went into the Winster Manor on Death Hill-" Neji was interrupted on account of Naruto poking him in the eye with a stick. He was _probably _glaring at Naruto, but who really knows? "_Anyway_, he entered the house. The floors started crea-Guys! Pay attention! I'm trying to be scary!"

"Sorry, but you couldn't scare anything with the way you look-I mean, appear at this campfire," said Tenten, avoiding the fact that most all in the group were distracted by the fact that Neji's eyes looked like two marshmallows and couldn't focus, as well as the fact that he generally looked like a freak.

"Well Naruto could at least STOP POLING ME WITH A STICK!"

"But you're boring and look funny!" Naruto blurted, causing Tenten to sigh. At that point, he knew that he'd best not be alone around her, lest he wanted quite the retribution. Which he would probably get anyway.

"Can I PLEASE just tell the story!"

"I'd prefer you didn't…"

"OKAY! So the floor was creaking without Billy stepping and a strong updraft closed the door. Then the floorboards busted apart and the darkness within sucked him in, never to be heard from again. Pretty good, huh?"

Neji's answer was the yawns and snores of the other Shinobi.

"Is it over yet?" asked Naruto. He and the others tiredly entered their tents and went to sleep, leaving a grumbling Neji, who eventually followed their course of action. Leaving Gaara. Thankfully. And uninterestingly.

-11:56 P.M., NARUTO'S TENT…-

"Aw man, this place smells like dog crap…" Naruto said. He started to search around with his hand to find a lantern to be used to find a place to "empty the bucket" and accidentally stuck his hand into a squishy brown lump. "That explains it…"

He eventually got his lantern and went outside. Gathered outside Neji's tent, Naruto saw, were Sasuke, Gaara, and, of course, Neji. They were talking about the obviously non-existent chakra fruit.

"For the last time, that fruit is a load of BS!" yelled Sasuke.

"No! I sensed a large amount of circular chakra somewhere around here. At least give me the benefit of the doubt!"

"FINE! But why are you here, Gaara?"

"I don't _have_ to answer to you. I shouldn't have to explain why all the time…"

"Er… okay… And you?" Sasuke pointed to Naruto.

"I just went to pee… But can I come with you guys?"

"As long as you don't pee on us…"

-12:01 A.M., AFTER NARUTO WAS DONE…-

"So where did you sense that chakra circle?" Sasuke asked Neji.

"Near a river near a cliff. It was back at the second chuunin exam area. I was already done and was just raveling around. I can't sense the berry right now, so we'll have to split up."

"BUT THERE MIGHT BE GHOSTS!" yelled Naruto stupidly.

"Shove it, stupid," Sasuke commented.

"He kind of has a point… Who know what kind of traps there are here," said Neji, "but let's check it out anyway!"

-2:1, SHADED RING OF TREES…-

"I can't find it…." muttered Neji, panting heavily.

"WHAT THE—A STICK FIGURE LIKE IN THE BLAIR WITCH PRJECT! I APOLOGIZE FOR THE CAPS lock…" Naruto babbled, pointing to A STICK FIGURE LIKE IN THE BLAIR WITCH Project…

"You idiot… That is just three limbs twisted together and—wait! I sense the berry! It's behind you, Naruto! Turn around and get it Naruto!" Naruto turned around and started turning toward the berry. "It's on the tree near you!" Naruto climbed and ran all over the tree. "Wait… you have the berry!" Naruto took everything off except his boxers and still couldn't find it. "You piece of crap! You ate it! Your digestive system has already shredded it up!"

"White-Eyes… That's the demon fox chakra," explained Sasuke, trying very hard to suppress his temper.

"-Beep-." No apologies to Naruto at all… :(

-7:03 A.M., CAMPSITE…-

Neji was looking through what he had killed in the forest. "Alright… I have two squirrels…" said Neji.

"You-you killed squirrels?" asked Sakura.

"Yes. Four raccoons…"

"And raccoons?"

"Mhm… And one pig."

"…"

"Aren't you going to question me?"

"No."

-7:22 A.M.-

"Let's go…" said Sasuke between dry heaves from the meat.

"Why? This stuff's great!" Naruto said.

Everyone stumbled off, leaving Naruto to eat his raw squirrel and raccoon meat… in peace. But still no apologies at all… :(

To be continued in Chapter 9,

"The Boys' Last Stand"


	9. The Boys' Last Stand

Chapter 9

**The Boys' Last Stand**

It was the Japanese festival of Girls' Day. Even though this story for all intensive purposes is American: it uses dollars, bla, bla, bla, but let's face it. After Canada and Mexico, we are coming after you, Japan! Er… yeah. Anyways, let's see what Gaara thought of this whole thing. He was currently hitting his head on the bed of his hotel room, technically his home.

"I hate this day, I hate this day, I ate this hay, I bait this pay, I rate this May, a torque this way, all work no play, all work no play makes Jack a dull boy…" muttered Gaara, his thoughts slowly becoming less coherent.

-MEANWHILE, WITH LEE AND SAKURA…-

"Okay, where are we going first, princess?" asked Lee.

"I told you to go away already, Lee!" said Sakura. "Gaara is going to bend to my every whim and need!"

"But… I'm faster! Speed shopping!"

"Gaara's stronger! He can carry more stuff!"

"I'm more devoted to you!"

"I'm more devoted to him!"

"He won't help you!"

"He's required to by law+ He'd be banished to the gay community on his old town+ Ewww…+"

: This is not a true statement, as it is not under federal law, but rather common law; by the Konoha National Convention of February 24????, this is therefore not considered by the term law, and rather as a simple piece of common decency, though there is some significant legislation pending to change this. As of yet, though, it is still considered to not be _law_, regardless of the fact that it entails consequences enforced in order to keep the people in line.

: This statement is even lower in truthiness.

: This is a true statement.

"…You've proved your point…"

"Now to find dear Gaara."

-GAARA'S HOTEL…-

"Helloooooo!" Sakura said.

"-Beep-noooooo!" Gaara mocked.

"Sakura grabbed Gaara's arm and pulled him outside as he screamed and kicked.

-MALL…-

"Let's go to American Eagle!" Sakura commanded.

"No. Books a Million," responded Gaara simply. "A new Splinter Cell novel is out."

"Do you _want_ to live with those gay people?"

"No… I've lived with one my whole life and I can't stand that _one_…"

"Oh my gosh, Temari is _that way_?"

Gaara just sighed and started walking toward the dreaded clothing store.

-AMERICAN EAGLE… WELL, KONOHA EAGLE I GUESS…-

Sakura was throwing clothes to Gaara, slowly making a huge pile in his arms. "Oooh! Nice shirt! Sweater! Hip huggers! Shorts! Jacket-"

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You've already covered all four seasons! You _must_ be done!" Gaara complained.

"_Here _at least! Next: Ninjas' Foot Locker!"

"Wait, that's not really a clothing sto-_never mind_!"

"I need some new shoes. Next we'll go to… heehee… VS!"

"_Victoria's Secret_?"

"No! The vintage shop! I _love_ Red Skelton!"

-STREET CORNER, 10:12 A.M.…-

"She told me to wait here two hours ago…" On the roof above Sasuke, the one who just spoke, was a huge stereo blasting out random 80's songs. Strangely, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" kept repeating.

-SAME CORNER, 12:12 P.M.…-

The song was still playing and it was driving Sasuke mad. He ran up the wall and threw the stereo back down to the sidewalk from its location on the corner of a roof. He then jumped down and stomped on it for five minutes, started up Chidori, and sliced the shattered remains into tiny little itty bitty bits of plastic.

"-BEEEEEEP- YOU!" Sasuke yelled in his bout of rage.

During this whole time, the girl who told him to wait had walked up, then turned around, then ran. Gaara, unlike her, was taking notes.

-SPA AND LOUNGE…-

"Neji… For the last time, my upper back!" complained Tenten.

"Would you SHUT UP!" Neji complained.

"Do you want to be exiled!"

"Better than having to tolerate _you_!"

"…And live in a gay community?"

"…Your upper back, was it?"

-ICHIRAKU…-

"Aaah… this is nice… No one I have to hel-"

"Help me!" said that girl at Ichiraku, interrupting Naruto.

"Why can't you get your husband to help!"

"HA HA! Husband? That squinty fellow that works with me? HECK NO! Come on, these floors are very dirty!"

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No."

"Yes!"

"Hmph! Off you go."

"You're dessspicable."

-BACK WITH NEJI…-

"I'd like my foot massage…" Tenten said.

"I'd like my dignity back…" Neji mocked.

"Get with it…"

"Get with it…"

"Now…"

"Now…"

"Are you mocking me?"

"Are you mocking me?"

"Hush!"

"Hush!"

"I'm a girl and I am gay."

"I know."

-SASUKE, 1:15 P.M.…-

"WHERE IS THAT GIRL!" he yelled. "Wait… this is good… Off to fight/kill Sound ninjas!"

"ALL WHO LEAVE CITY WALLS WILL BE BANISHED TO THE POKEMON WORLD FOR ONE MONTH!" blasted the speakers just as Sasuke left. How inopportune…

-CITY HALL…-

"Hmm… a breach. Go and send the refugee to the Pokemon world, breach monkey," commanded Tsunade to Jiraiya.

"Must you call me that!" he complained.

"Yes."

"Look. If it's about those flat comments I made when we were younger…"

"Prank monkey… Follow and laugh!" Shizune commanded to Iruka.

"Must you call me that?"

"Yes."

"Look. If it's about those follower comments I made yesterday…"

-FOREST, 1:25 P.M.…-

"You're busted," Jiraiya announced to Sasuke, who was currently in front of him. Before Sasuke could respond, Jiraiya had already used Crossover no Jutsu.

-REC CENTER, 2:25 P.M.…-

The entire group of boys finally got a small break in the tiny center.

"…Too bad about your city being destroyed… you hardly had any time to be…" Naruto started, soon snickering, "KAZEKAGE! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"At least I'm going to be Hokage…" Gaara stated.

"And how do you know _that_?"

"Let's just say… I made a 'deal' with Plastic Surgery Lady…"

-KONOHA HALL, 4 DAYS AGO…-

Sand particles were floating throughout the building. Waves of sand were looming behind Gaara.

"Now who's going to be the next Hokage!" Gaara asked Tsunade in a demented voice.

"Naruto! I'll fight back if you attack me! This will be a fair fi-" A huge wave of sand slammed right into her and slammed her against the wall before she could finish. Half unconscious, she added his name to her will.

-BACK WITH THE BOYS…-

"That stinks…" Naruto muttered.

"People… people… task at hand! What are we going to do? We have to escape… If I have to touch Tenten's feet one more time, I swear I will cut them off! Ugh… how to escape…" pondered Neji.

"…Or rebel…" added Gaara.

"Come on… it's just about six hours and thirty min-REVOLUTION!" yelled Naruto.

"Shut up Naruto. But we will strike at six… Weigh them, it is as heavy; conjure with 'em, 'Brutus' will start a spirit as soon as 'Caesar.'" The rest just stared, to which he responded, "What? Can't I make obscure Shakespeare references?"

-STREET CORNER, 2:45 P.M.…-

A different stereo from eh one that Sasuke brutally mutilated broadcasted a message of "Fifteen minutes until the pageant!"

-CHUUNIN EXAM BUILDING, 3:00 P.M.…-

The only one watching this slam fest in the group was Jiraiya, finding some probably perverted entertainment in this all. Tsunade "accidentally" knocked down the bleachers Ero-Sennin was sitting on.

-THREE HOURS LATER…-

Assuming the girls were done (they weren't), the boys (excluding Gaara, who deserted at the last minute, and Kankurou, who was still in jail) started running through the streets, trying to get some much-deserved payback. "The Boys are Back in Town" started playing in all of the speakers. It would be very dramatic, if the broken stereo hadn't been running on five gallons of oil. The boys slipped right outside the walls and right into the Pokemon world.

-11:59:59 P.M.…-

Gaara smirked and stepped outside the city walls and was sent off. But that was a whole other story, the "Naruto-Pokemon Collision Course."

To be continued in Chapter 10,

"Three Residences and an Announcement"


	10. Two Residences and a Hobo

Chapter 10

**Two Residences and a Hobo**

Three months after the incredible review-grasping storyline that captured that hearts and minds of every reader (yeah right), Sasuke woke up in an unusually groggy manner. He walked into his lavish living room and noticed that there were some new messages on his answering machine. Which, for the record, is UNBARRED. He pressed a dark gray button on the middle of it. There was a sharp beep and a computerized voice come on stating, "You have forty new messages. And clean me once in a while, you cheap basta-"

Sasuke sighed and listened to a few messages, annoyed about the caller, a girl he didn't even know:

"Hellooo, are you there?"

"Come on, pick up the phone!"

"Hey, uh, can I come over some time?"

"Yes, it's me again…"

Sasuke frowned and flipped through all messages with her phone number in their prologue until he found a different number. HE was temporarily content until he realized who the caller was, Orochimaru:

"Hellooo, are you there?"

"Come on, pick up the phone!"

"Hey, uh, can I come over?"

"Yes, it's me again…"

Sasuke muttered, "I'm getting a new –beep-ing phone number."

He filed through all of Michael Jacks-I mean OROCHIMARU'S-messages until he reached the final message, which was from a different caller. At first, he did not know who sent the message, but he soon figured it out: it was Gaara.

"Hello… fool. I'd strongly suggest that you attend a gathering I am hosting in my home. Fees will be $100."

Sasuke frowned. He was the only one who should have a party which contained more plot holes than Swiss cheese—er, Swiss _plot_ cheese.

-THAT NIGHT…-

…

-WAIT, I MEAN LATER THAT DAY, SORRY…-

-ER, BY THAT I MEAN RIGHT BEFORE THAT NIGHT…-

Temari glared down on the guests congregating around Gaara's eight-story mansion's door, for the first time experiencing sibling rivalry that wasn't instantly turned to fear. She walked over to her telescope and turned it down the hill on which her house stood and got a good look at Gaara's group, noting that all of them were guys. She smirked, thinking up a plan, and thinking it up quick. She would call the others not at the party and have a better party than him! She walked over to the phone and started dialing phone numbers.

-FINALLY, AT THE PARTY…-

As Gaara finally emerged from his house, everyone sighed with relief and lined up in front of him. He stood in front of his now closed door and rubbed his fingers across his thumb, saying, "Okay, pay up, everyone."

All but Kankurou (still not included in the story) and Lee placed their large amounts of money in his hand (Naruto paying in pennies). Lee asked, "Dues? What are you talking about?"

"The fees I mentioned… fool."

"Oh, _fees_… Well why didn't you say 'fees' in the first place?"

"I did."

"No, you said _dues_!"

"It means about the same thing…"

"So? You should have said fees!"

"Shut up Lee. Just shut the –beep- up. I will stab you."

Lee finally forked over his dues-er, fees-and Gaara opened the door, ushering them in. What they saw astounded them. It was a utopia. Fountains, paintings, stairs-the whole deal. "How did you get this place?" asked Naruto, mesmerized.

"I won't get into the long, messy, bloody, buried-in-the-backyard details with the realtor," responded Gaara.

"Why am I not surprised?" asked Shikamaru.

"Because you are a dull, dull boy."

-MEANWHILE, AT T PARTY (PUNS, YAY!)…-

All of the guests had filed in and were now at a loss for what to do until finally Temari got an idea. She suddenly blurted, "Hey, let's combine groups with the others by tricking them. Then we'll watch a scary movie and play tricks on them while they're scared!"

"It sounds like an immature children's television show episode to me," Ino commented.

"Quiet. The plan shall be done."

"How?"

"Um…"

-AWKWARD PAUSE…-

-BACK WITH G GROUP…-

"Um…" mumbled Gaara, at a loss of ideas.

"Prank calls?" suggested Naruto.

"No, remember what happened last time?"

-FLASHBACK-

Naruto was laughing away after bothering some random dude… until the dude responded, "I have caller ID. You live across the street from me. I'm going to kill you now."

Naruto screamed in his highest possible voice as the light reflecting off of the moon gleamed on the whites of the man's eyes outside. Naruto kept screaming until the windows broke from the sound… or the hundreds of kunai knives busting through from the man's direction.

-PRESENT-

"Why don't we go to a forum online? I have about… eleven computers in the house," stated Gaara.

"Sounds good," agreed everyone.

So they each found a computer, some with much trouble, and went on a forum called "Ninjas Anonymous," a chat site. All registered and entered the "General" board, and Gaara started a new thread all about random chatting. The following are the messages:

SandMan says Talk about anything here.

Foxy says J00 an n00b

SandMan says Naruto? Why do you have such a stupid name?

Foxy says SU n00b

Antitachi Admin says Stop flaming, idiot, or you will be banned.

BlankEyes says Yes; stop flaming, Foxy, you are getting really annoying. I hope you get banned.

Foxy says SU n00b

Antitachi Admin says I know that is you, Naruto. BANNED.

FlowerGirl says like lolz yesterday Naruto bugged me and my friends

Cloud Gazing says Three words: SPELL. CHECK. SAKURA. Why are you even here?

FlowerGirl says im bored lolz like wy r you so maen

Cloud Gazing says I am not being mean. I am simply stating a fact: All people without a Y chromosome on this forum think they are above using proper grammar and also believe that they have to add "like" and "lol" or "lolz" to every post. IF you don't have anything constructive to say, don't say anything at all.

F0xy says PWNED!1!ONE!

Anititachi Admin says You think I don't know who you are, Naruto?

Suddenly Sasuke pressed a series of keys in a special order that only admins know. Naruto's computer exploded. Trust me, admins can do that.

AltAccount says Hey

SandMan says Who is this?

AltAccount says spam

Antitachi Admin says That's it!

Everyone's screen suddenly went white and an explosion was heard and then the screen went black. Yes, admins can actually blow up sites.

-LATER THAT NIGHT…-

All of Gaara's guests were sitting around bored when the phone rang. Gaara naturally picked it up himself. "What fool wants to waste my time?" asked Gaara.

"It's your sis!" announced Temari.

"I said not to say that! It's annoying! Plus, I'm positive the people at the NSA are laughing at me…"

"Well sor-ry! Jeesh!"

"What do you want?"

"I need you to work on something."

"What thing?"

"I need you to sand off some rust on some pipes," she lied perfectly.

"I'll do it later! And by later I mean never!"

One of the guests at Temari's yelled about how the pipe was corroding quite overdramatically, yet Gaara was not convinced, but when Temari mentioned that some sewage could get near or on his property, he was more than willing to oblige. The rest of the group followed.

-AT TEMARI'S…-

As soon as Gaara's group entered, the doors were locked and barred behind them. Naturally, Gaara's first reaction was, "What the –beep-!"

Thanks for visiting. Want to see a movie?" asked Temari.

"-Beep- no!" Gaara tried to teleport, but appeared a second later slamming into the upper wall and then falling down, KO'd. PLOT HOLE'D!

"You can't escape, Gaara… Hey, let's watch 'The Cutter!'"

"Wasn't that the movie that went straight to video, but was so crappy that its production was stopped?" asked Shikamaru.

"Yup," responded Temari.

-IN THE TV ROOM…-

Everyone sat comfortably in a bean bag chair or a couch as Temari inserted the video into the VCR. The opening scene was of the silhouette of a man in a trench coat with lightning simulated by blinking flashlights in the background and the dark beginning music to the Scooby-Doo theme song playing in a constant loop. Eventually the movie Began. Two people walked up to each other on the sidewalk.

"Hi Debbie!" said one.

"Hi Je-oof!" responded Debbie-well, she kinda responded. There isn't too much to do when you fall down from blood loss by being stabbed in the back by scissors.

Jeff (not Je-oof) then nonchalantly walked off, hands in pockets, until he got stabbed din the head with scissors. A shadowy figure then appeared with scissors saying, "I am The Cutter! I will cut you!"

The scene switched to him stabbing a lady, but due to a poor camera angle, you could see that he was just swinging the scissors up and down.

"This movie is gay," announced Naruto.

"Yeah, that dude, 'The Cutter,' is using safety scissors… and was that a producer walking in the background?" asked Shikamaru.

"No, it's a hobo. The producers couldn't afford a studio, so they filmed the movie in a train station," explained Temari.

"That was scaaaary!"

"Shut up Lee, and stop shivering."

"You're hurtful, Neji!"

Gaara, a man of action, sent a rain of sand on the VCR, crushing it. Temari, very irritated, yelled, "Now what the heck are we supposed to do?"

"…We could… uh…" started Gaara, mumbling.

"PILLOW FIGHT!"

"What the –beep- Lee! Just shut up!"

"You're hurtful, Neji…" Lee, in a little fit, threw a pillow at Neji. "Take that!"

After the pillow smacked Neji in the face, he silently threw it back at Lee's face, only to have Lee dodge it, causing the pillow to slam right into Naruto's face. Naruto then threw a pillow at Sasuke for the heck of it. He was knocked down, and the pillow ricocheted onto Ino's face. She squatted down and picked up the pillow throwing it at Sakura. She tried to throw it at someone else, but she missed, causing the pillow to slam into a window with a huge bang. She then commented, "Wow that is one heavy pillow!"

The beating on the window continued, and everyone ran into one room, scared silly, except for Gaara, Sasuke, and Neji, who were just, like, going with the flow. The door to the room locked behind them. Gaara, listening to System of a Down's B.Y.O.B. with a CD player he found in the room, yelled, "Where the –beep- are you!"

"So brave, challenging him!" said Sakura, again taking one of Gaara's self-centered actions as good.

"What are you talking about, woman!"

Suddenly, the door blasted open, and none other than a hobo entered. Before he could say, um, whatever hobos say, Shino screamed, "ARGH HOBO!" and killed him. There was a long silence, broken by Shino asking, "What?" And thus, the party crashed.

To be continued in Chapter 11,

"Dude, Where's My Bumper Car?"


	11. Dude, Where's My Bumper Car

Chapter 11

**Dude, Where's My Bumper Car?**

Ah, it was that time again. The leaves were falling, the temperature lowering… pretty much all that lowering crap. Everyone wanted to go to the fair, but didn't want to follow previous trends. You see, they're cool like that. So they were all thinking of who they wanted to take, except Gaara and Sasuke, who were all like, you know, cool about it and stuff, and now it was the day before. Some were already grouped, others left wondering. Shikamaru, Ino, and Chouji were all going together by parental decree, but most were still indecisive. These are their stories.

-LEE'S HOUSE…-

Lee opened his door promptly after the door bell rang, and was greeted with a strange sight: Neji. Well, surprising, because Neji is always a weird sight. "Well isn't this a strange sight I am greeted with!" announced Lee.

"Cut the small talk, latex boy. This is only a last resort. You think I wanted to come here? NO. I am only here to get you to give me a ticket. I need to get into that fair, but I can't get a ticket," responded Neji.

"Why?"

"Remember last year? When I kept ending up in things? Well apparently it counted as using them without paying, so I can't buy a ticket. You will have to get me one."

"Why do you want to go so much?"

"Because if I don't, the terrorists will win."

"…Huh?"

"Why do you think I am coming?"

"…Uh…"

"Never mind. Just, never mind. SO can I come with you?"

"Of course! Yeah buddies!"

"NEVER say that again."

"You're hurtful, Neji!"

-INO'S SHOP…-

Ino, giving out fair tickets since her flowers were being displayed at it, noted a new arrival. "What do you want, Forehead?" asked Ino.

"I need a ticket, Ino pig," responded Haruno "Forehead" Sakura.

"No."

"Fine." Sakura ran at the ticket, and the moment she grabbed it, Ino had grabbed it as well. After a long struggle, the ticket fell into heavy-duty glue that looked like water. They both picked up the ticket, one hand right over the other, causing the glue to splash up. Te kept struggling for a while longer until Ino finally gave up. When she tried to remove her hand, she found she couldn't. Sakura also tried to remove her hand, but to no avail. "Our hands are stuck together!"

"No –beep-, Sakura! We put our hands in glue!"

"NOOOOOO!"

"There goes my plan with Shik and Chou-wait, yay! But I'm with you… not yay…"

-HYUUGA MAIN HOUSE…-

Hinata was disturbed by sporadic knocking. She slowly opened her door and saw Tenten. She muttered, "Hey…"

"Hey, we have so totally got to go to the fair 'cause we are good friends and stuff, 'kay?" responded Tenten, hardly understandable at her voice speed.

"Um… okay."

Tenten rushed off, leaving behind a very confused Hinata.

-NARUTO'S APARTMENT…-

Surprise, surprise, a knock on the door. Naruto opened the door to see Temari. She addressed him, "I have an offer you can't refuse!"

"O RLY?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah. There is an exhibit where both types of twins get a prize, so we are going to go as a cross between both types, as we look sort of similar with different genders."

"O RLY?"

"Okay, that is getting really –beep-ing annoying."

"O RLY?"

-NEXT DAY, SIDEWALK…-

Sasuke and Gaara were racing to be the first one into the fair. Unfortunately, they both tripped at the same time, dropping their tickets in gum. When they lifted the tickets, they found that the ticket backs were stuck together. When they reached the fair, the dude at the entrance booth smiled, saying, "Ah, a double ticket! This means you two have unlimited access to all rides and exhibits for free as long as you both go together."

"Can we get new ticke-"

"Fine!" interrupted Sasuke, covering Gaara's mouth before he could finish.

"Alright!" The receptionist opened the gates for them. They both entered, Gaara muttering like a chided four-year-old.

-MEANWHILE, WITH LEE AND NEJI…-

"Why do you need to come here?" asked Lee for the 42nd time.

"Seriously, shut the –beep- up Lee," responded Neji for the 42nd time.

"You never hang out with me, and now that you are, you won't' explain…"

Neji sighed and used Gentle Fist to shove Lee into a lake. He then walked off, ignoring his slowly drowning ally.

-WITH INO AND SAKURA…-

"Pig…"

"Forehead…"

"Pig…"

"Forehead…"

-WELL, NOW WITH TEMARI AND NARUTO…-

"You aren't twins," commented the dude running the twin award thing.

"We are! We so totally are!" responded Naruto.

'You can't be both paternal and identical twins."

"But we are! We so totally are!"

"It is physically impossible!"

Naruto sighed and responded, "O RLY?"

"Yes!"

"O RLY?"

"Yes!"

"O RLY?"

"YES!"

"O RLY?"

"ARGH!" The dude pulled out a revolver and shot himself in the head.

"Wow…"

"Yes, greater than any justsu is 'O RLY?'"

They walked past the dude and took the twin stuff. Temari jokingly asked, "Oh really?"

"With great power comes great responsibility. You don't have great responsibility."

-BACK WITH LEE AND NEJI…-

Much to Neji's disappointment, Lee had survived and was now back to bugging him.

"Let's ride some rides!" Lee begged. This phrase had a 42-count now too.

"FINE! Just shut up!" responded Neji.

"Yay!"

"What ride…"

"Speed!" Lee pointed to a 300 foot tall arm-like ride that swings you in circles.

"NO."

"Wuss."

Neji, who would never back with that word said, ran at the ride. They both walked up to the ride and gave the tickets to the operator. Neji entered first with Lee following. As soon as they were strapped in, though, Lee used all of his Taijutsu abilities to ditch Neji. HE was laughing so hard, and the ride was going so blurring fast, that Lee could not see Neji's outstretched middle finger.

-WITH SHIKAMARU AND CHOUJI…-

Chouji, as usual was stuffing his face (no, not his whole face, his mouth), and Shikamaru was doing… um… something. Not really. Finally something interesting happened. Chouji, after gorging himself on turkey, was in a sort of drunken stupor. He stumbled around and entered the Orbiter, that spaceship ride that spins really fast. It started, and the time he stumbled out, there was a layer of murky liquid all over the floor. Chouji was thrown out instantly, and Shikamaru was sad. Not really.

-WITH GAARA AND SASUKE…-

The two were looking at painting exhibits when they saw an adorable little puppy rolling in the grass, hand-drawn. Sasuke's eyes started to well up with tears as he said in a baby voice, "Aw, so cute!"

Gaara, having the same reaction and speaking in the same way, added, "Yes he is! Yes he is!"

Sasuke started to frown and returned to his normal voice saying, "We must never speak of this."

Gaara undergoing a similar response, agreed, "…Yeah…" Then, in a fleeting attempt to revive his masculinity, he punched Sasuke hard in the arm.

"Thanks, that helped… –beep-hole."

-WITH SHIKAMARU…-

Shikamaru was walking along when he saw Ino and Sakura arguing. He raised both of his hands and lowered them, repeating this movement a few times. He then called out, "Ladies, ladies, no need to argue."

They stopped bickering, smiled, and responded, "You're right, thanks!" Then they both walked off, hand in hand (obviously).

Then Shikamaru yelled, "Why does everyone leave! I am not a monster!" and ran off crying. Not really.

-WITH LEE AND NEJI…-

After Neji stumbled out of the ride and his vision was remotely stable, he yelled, "ARGH LEE!" and rushed at Lee, preparing to Gentle Fist the living –beep- out of Lee. As soon as he was about to hit Lee, though, Lee back flip-kicked him right into a Super Slide, out of self defense, of course. Well, possibly. A random kid slammed into him, sending his head into the ground below and killing the kid. Oh well, the kid didn't matter anyway. And after a while of being stuck in the ground, Neji thought he didn't matter either. He said some inaudible phrase to the outside world that was intended to be "I need to use the bathroom…"

PKO: SAKU!

Coming to theaters… the greatest fusion of all time…

THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER SKY!

It is a multi-genre cross—ebony and ivory, fire and water, pirates and ninjas! WOOHOO! Er… anyways, here is a little synopsis, following in the commercial footsteps of all the other poorly summarized movies. Whatever. Not my problem.

Introducing Sean Connery as Marko Ramius, nuclear submarine captain and amateur rocket builder. Here is a clip. "He's got a bullet in him the size of a –beep-ing… well… bullet!" exclaimed Ramius, referring to his father.

"We can't tell him to stop being in a coma-er, stop going to the mine-er, uh… never mind," responded his mother.

So there you have it! Awkward scenes, jokes requiring viewers to see other movies, a well as plenty of other things that well insure that this movie goes straight to DVD! And UMS!

PKO: SAKU!

-WITH GAARA ND SASUKE…-

The two were competing in the mallet game. Sasuke, with all his strength, slammed the bell right out of the meter. The bell fell right onto Sasuke's head. In a half-conscious stupor, Sasuke started running around blindly, accidentally activating Chidori. It fizzled out as he ran into the side of a tent. He reactivated it and ran right through the material of the tent and into the tent. He tried to reactivate it to rip away some chairs, but he passed out. Unfortunately, he had stumbled into the hypnotist's tent just as the spell started. The hypnotist announced, "When I snap my fingers, this man will awaken, but the next time he hears a snap, he will act like the first person he knows that he sees. I alone know how to reverse the effect!" He snapped, and both Sasuke and the dude awoke.

-A WHIEL LATER, FOOD TENT…-

Everyone was eating their separate meals, if the sand Gaara was eating could be considered a meal. Gaara opened a pack of chopsticks to do… uh… something as Sasuke walked to the table they were sitting at. Sasuke was just about to sit down when Gaara snapped apart his chopsticks. It just so happened that Sasuke was glancing at Sakura when the snapping occurred. He immediately latched onto Gaara saying, "I lub you, Gaara!"

"What the –beep-, you homo!" asked Gaara, very perturbed. Of course, his next move was to send Sasuke back ten feet with his sand.

"You know you like me!" The general consensus of the girls at the other little tables was, "That explains a lot…"

The snapping of Gaara's sand armor… and ribs… and stuff, caused by a repeated hug switched Sasuke's personality again. This time, he was looking at Naruto. Saruto™ instantly let go of Gaara and started spasmodically wiping off some invisible dirt. And visible sand. He then started searching for Sasuke, which was basically a bunch of walking in place. Gaara snapped to get Saruto™'s attention. He succeeded, as the hypnotized boy turned around just as he snapped, causing a change in character to none other than Gaara himself. The resulting glare fest took out a good hour or so of daylight.

-MEANWHILE, WITH NARUTO…-

After Temari had left, Naruto was starved for attention when he suddenly noticed a tent with a sign indicating a jutsu class. Unfortunately, the truth of the matter was, wind had knocked down the paper flyers indicating that tent's name and the adjacent gay seminar tent's name, and someone had replaced them in the wrong places. Naruto took his seat just as the speaker asked him a question. "Hello, newcomer! Well, back to business, when did you first realize you were 'different?'"

"Well, since as far as I can remember in this angsty flashback," responded Naruto.

"So it made you sad?"

"Yeah, it was like a huge, pink-hot flame inside…"

"You didn't come out of the closet for a long time, eh?"

"Well I didn't really know, you know? Me teacher told me. He was kinda mean 'bout it…"

"Is he like you?"

"No! He has that long hair and crap!"

"Oh, so you're more butch."

"No, I'm Naruto!"

"So you haven't come out yet?"

"Many times! Most everyone around the village knows now."

"So you just don't really fit into the common personas."

"I like to think of myself as an original, yeah."

"Good attitude. We can all learn from his attitude of 'I'm queer, and I'm here!'"

"…WHAT THE –BEEP-!"

-MEANWHILE, WITH SHINO…-

He killed a hobo. That's about it.

-NOW WITH HINATA AND THE OTHER TWO, INCLUDING TEMARI…-

Um… well really, they were just doin' stuff… I guess…

-NOW WITH NEJI…-

"Okay, I don't need to use the bathroom anymore…" he muttered, still inaudible. But I know. _I_ know.

-THEN, SOMETHING INTERESTING…-

Naruto, totally freaked out, ran right through the gate guarding Neji and the bottom of the slide and slammed right into Neji, sending Neji right into a nearby wall. Soon everyone gathered around him, but completely ignored him as they noticed Avalanche, a ride that goes around in wide circles. They all got on, even Shikamaru and Neji, and it started all too soon for the latter to realize he wasn't strapped in. Within a few orbits, the white-eyed wonder was air-borne and again found his head underground. All were very shocked and concerned. Not really.

To be continued in Chapter 12,

"What's up, Doc?"


	12. What's Up, Doc?

Chapter 12

**What's Up, Doc?**

All of the young ninjas were assembled in front of Kakashi, who was preparing to speak. He silenced them and stated, "It has come to my attention that you all have some serious problems—coughGaaracough. So I have called in a psychiatrist. You will each go in one at a time, and all come out better! So who wants to go first-coughGaaracough?"

"Bullshi-"

"Shut yo' mouth!" called out Sakura, interrupting Gaara.

"I'm only talkin' 'bout mental ailments!"

"I can dig it…"

"Um, anyways, you go first, Gaara."

"Make me."

Kakashi randomly threw a large safety pin at Gaara, knocking him out. Ohhh, OWNED BY A SAFETY PIN!

-A LITTLE WHILE LATER…-

Gaara was chained to a couch, facing a man behind a desk holding up some inkblots. The man, a psychiatrist, asked, "What do you see in this inkblot?"

"Ink?" responded Gaara.

"No, I mean, what does it make you think of?"

"Still ink…"

"I mean, some people see shapes in the ink."

"Those fools are in serious need of a psychiatrist…"

"Let's move on to word association. First word: dog."

"Blood."

"Synchronize."

"Blood."

"Blood."

"Sand."

"Sand."

"Blood."

"ARGH! Moving on."

"Tch, maybe I DON'T want to move on. Are you going to do something about it?" Off goes the cork.

"Um, no… Next patient, please!"

"Just shove me away, eh? I'll see you in the parking lot, -beep-."

Gaara was escorted out, and Shikamaru walked in. HE asked in irritation, "Why am I here? I am a freaking genius, not a psycho!"

"Well all of you are scheduled to come," responded the psychiatrist.

"Let's get it over with…"

"Okay, what do you see in this inkblot?" The psychiatrist-whose name will not be mentioned for some reason-held up the first card.

"Well, I see a horse."

"Alright. And this?"

"A stallion."

"Okay. This one?"

"A mustang."

"This?"

"Pony."

"How can you identify the type of horse from a blot?"

"Cloud gazing."

"Hm… That could be a problem. It is called activity deficiency disorder-ADD."

"That isn't a disorder."

"Who has the degree here?"

"I do." Shikamaru held up his doctorate.

"How the –beep- did you get that! You are a freaking cloud gazer!"

"Jealous, eh? I don't see a PhD on your wall."

"Oh, you wanna go? Do you want to –beep-ing GO!"

The two started slapping each other, and a random voice from behind the cracked door yelled, "CAT FIGHT!"

"Shut up, Lee."

"You're hurtful, Neji!"

Eventually Shikamaru was escorted out, with Neji entering. As soon as he sat down, the psychiatrist said, "You seem stressed. Why?"

"Well, uh, my dad got killed in place of his twin brother, but due to a curse I have, I can not do a thing about it. That work for you?" asked Neji.

"Hm… such mental stress… I want your brain."

"Huh?"

"I am doing a study on physical effects of stress on one's brain, so I need to take your brain. I think I can fit you in on Monday. How does that sound?"

"No, you can't take my brain!"

"We'll pay you!"

"I'll be dead!"

"Come on, we will put you under while we are doing it…"

"I need my brain! You can't take it!"

"You'll still have your health…"

"No I won't!"

"-Beep- you."

The psychiatrist flicked off Neji as Neji exited. Lee soon entered, and before the psychiatrist could respond, Spandex Boy was running his moth. "Hey Mr. Brain Dude what am I supposed to do first I'm bored is there a TV here I want to watch a show when is this going to end I'm so bored why am I not putting any sort of punctuation or pause between sentences yay I'm using big words I am happy now no wait I'm bored again what do I do do I need to stop talking I will do it okay so now I'm not talking any more an-"

"SHUT UP! Do I even have to tell you what mental illness you have!" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well someone said I had ADDDDD or something I don't really remem-"

"Get the –beep- out of my office. I am prescribing you some Ritalin NOW."

He walked out of the room and Sakura entered. Which meant Ino entered. The psychiatrist, who will be referred to as "Bob" from this point forward, sighed and said, "One at a time, please…"

"We wish…" they responded in unison.

"I sense an attachment trouble."

"Yes, very much so."

"Yet, you are growing apart."

"Nope, still about as connected as a while ago…"

"You are in denial, then?"

"How can we be denying super glue on our hands!"

"…Wha?"

"Our hands are stuck together."

"Oh… carry on, then."

"Aren't we going to do a therapy session?"

"Well, you took the solution right out of my doodle book. Next?" They walked out and Sasuke entered. The psychiatrist's face went pale. "Get out! Get out now!"

"Treat me, you sorry son of a –beep-!" responded Sasuke.

The psychiatrist-er, _Bob_-held up his doodle book as if it was a cross and Sasuke was a demon. "I cast you out!"

"What is your problem? I'm not that mentally unstable."

"But all the history! You are a psychiatrist's worst nightmare."

"So you want me to just leave?"

"Unless you want me to prescribe Prozac, I guess."

"I'll take that."

"Oh wait, there's no Prozac."

"How can one of the most famous medicines out there be out of business?"

"Oh no, it is still out there and booming… in Canada."

"Aw, crap."

Sasuke walked out, disheartened without the meds. Shino soon entered. "Bob" soon came on the hobo subject. "So when did this hatred of hobos start?" he asked.

"Well they killed my parents…" responded Shino.

"Really?"

"Nope."

"Then why all the hate?"

"…Uh… They're… um…"

"Exactly. You need to stop this senseless killing—I think this session helped."

"Not really. I already know my hate isn't justified."

"Okay, you are confusing me now."

"That is exactly why I do it."

"…"

"…"

"This session is over, I guess. Try not to kill so many hobos."

"We will see…"

Shino exited as Hinata entered. Bob started instantly, "Okay, you have a very passive attitude. You need to be more confident."

"T-tell me something I d-didn't know…" she responded.

"Well any idea exactly why you are so shy?"

"Well, I am hesitant to talk to N-n-n-n-n-na-na-na-na-na-na-"

"NARUTO!"

"-Kun."

"Well you should consider forgetting about him. He is only causing you hurt."

Oh yeah. Hinata lost it. She used Gentle Fist on him, throwing him out of the sixth story window. Kakashi walked up to the man lying face down on the pavement and stated, "Ayup, he's dead."

Soon all of the ninjas were walking together, discussing their treatments, or lack thereof. That conversation became hostile when Sasuke, irritated, asked, "Why the –BEEP- do you hate hobos, Shino! Just –BEEP-ING tell me!"

"Make me," responded Shino.

Bad move. Sasuke lunged at Shino, and soon the two were rolling on the ground fighting. They started knocking down the other ninjas, soon causing all of the ninjas to become one giant pile of fighting children, which eventually rolled right to Kakashi's feet. He sighed and said, "I see that the therapy didn't help, so there is just one more option. You all are in serious need of a recuperative vacation."

They all readily exclaimed, "That'll work!" Gaara mainly agreed because of all the tourists he could kill.

"Alright. Then you are going tomorrow. Pack up!"

To be continued in Chapter 13,

"I'm Rick James, Beach! Part 1, The Trip"


	13. I'm Rick James, Beach! 1: The Trip

Chapter 13

**I'm Rick James, Beach!**

**Part 1, The Trip**

It truly was the apocalypse. Kakashi was actually waiting for the young ninjas, and was left wondering what was holding them up. Let's find out.

-HYUUGA CLAN, 2:34 A.M.…-

Neji had launched into a two-hour speech to Hinata over a dispute over who got the last doughnut. It finally stopped when the doughnut exploded to end it. Yes, doughnuts can choose to explode. The two headed off soon after.

-NARUTO'S APARTMENT, 2:00 A.M.…-

Naruto, impaired by the grogginess of waking up at 2:00 a.m. after going to sleep at 1:59 a.m., tried to search for his suitcase under a mound of empty ramen bowls. After about two hours of swimming in his own filth, Naruto found the suitcase, as well as twenty bucks, a puppy, and a golden amulet. He followed a similar process to find his clothes and other things. He finally got out of the building at 4:42 a.m.

-SAKURA'S HOUSE, 1:36 A.M.…-

Naturally, it took three whole hours for the two to get clothes and accessories that work well with each other, dotted with numerous arguments.

-GAARA'S HOUSE, TIME DOESN'T MATTER, HE IS AWAKE ANWAY…-

Gaara fell backward and could not get up due to the gourd. He finally solved the problem by shooting out sand to move him upright. This occurred at 4:23 a.m.

-THE NINJA BUS™, 4:50 A.M.…-

The others took so long because they were nursing their wounds from the earlier roughhousing. Some ninjas didn't come, period. So assembled before the bus was Neji, Hinata, Lee, Sasuke, Naruto, Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, Shino, and Gaara. They all entered the bus. Sakura and Ino sat together (obviously), Sasuke sat with Gaara (to play Game Boy Advanced SP multiplayer games), Shikamaru sat with Naruto, Hinata sat with Shino, and Lee sat with Neji (to Neji's dislike). Kakashi entered last and started the charter bus. The drive started normal, Lee annoying Neji, Gaara and Sasuke stalemating on every game they played-but, of course, things got weird.

Kakashi had to stop for gas at about six a.m., and the ninjas were left alone while Kakashi was purchasing the gas in the convenience store. They were all minding their own business except for Lee, whose face was glued to his window. Neji frowned and asked, "What are you staring at, idiot?"

"I think that dude in the car over there is dead," responded Lee, pointing. Some of the other ninjas are looking at the man now.

"Let's check it out!" announced Naruto.

"YEAH!" yelled Lee.

"Bad idea. What if the guy is just sleeping?" Neji asked.

"We'll apologize, I guess. Come on!"

Everyone exited, some positive, some negative. Even with his face plastered to the window of the man's vehicle, Lee couldn't tell the man's condition. He then made the decision to break the window to touch the guy by using a shuriken. Unfortunately, the shuriken flew right into the guy's heart. Lee summed up the obvious by stating, "Ayup, he's dead."

As soon as Kakashi exited the convenience store, Sasuke rushed up to him and yelled, "Drive, old man! Drive now!"

-FIRE COUNTRY BORDER, 9:00 A.M.…-

The group stopped at the border information center to get some snacks, use the bathroom, and get some pamphlets. For some reason. Presently, Gaara and Sasuke were playing keep-away with Naruto's wallet, Lee was staring at a wall, Kakashi was reading, and Shino was… there. This all stopped when a torrent of rain suddenly broke out. Well, almost everything stopped-Shino was still there. Now if he was _all_ there, you can never tell with him. They all rushed into the bus, most soaked to the core. Sasuke and Gaara soon forgot about how uncomfortable they were when they began playing video games again. Eventually, after man mentions of "BOOM! HEAD SHOT!", Gaara came out victorious by a hair. Well, Sasuke has a lot of hair, so that is a bad example. So Gaara won by a nose. Sasuke has a small nose. Yeah. That works.

-RANDOM EERIE LOCATION, 6:00 P.M.…-

Kakashi found himself very tired of getting poked by Naruto and being reminded that Fox Boy was hungry. Naruto babbled on, "Shouldn't we be there by now?"

"Well from the automatic guiding system, we just have to keep going north," responded Kakashi. He tapped the overhead system, and just as he did, the casing fell off, and a fairly large stream of water fell out of the system. "Oh –beep-, we're lost!"

Those were the three-er, four-worst words Naruto could hear. He tried to keep his cool as he said, "There's a gas station up ahead. Try and get a map and some information… and food."

"Okay, but while I'm gone, try not to kill anyone." Kakashi parked at the station, sheltering his head from the rain with a clipboard as he walked into the station. HE picked up some bags of chips and a few 16-ounce bottles of soda and walked up to the counter. He set the food on the counter, picked up a map from a nearby stand, and was greeted with a grizzly trucker type across the counter. He was hesitant to get information from the guy since he didn't want the dude to kick his –beep- for asking stupid questions, but decided his passengers were more important. "Where exactly am I?" Kakashi prepared to fight, should it be necessary.

"You've got a pretty mouth, boy," responded the trucker.

Kakashi, having seen Deliverance, threw a 20 in the guy's face, grabbed a map, and rushed off, both in hand. He ran at top speed and jumped over the stairs into the bus and right into his chair. Within five minutes, the bus was half a mile away, and the food had disappeared from Kakashi's lap. Naruto leaned over Kakashi's shoulder, both scanning the map. Naruto looked on in irritation, saying, "Notta Country? That's a country?"

"No, it's Notta Country," responded Kakashi.

"It says it's a country! Notta Country!"

"I know it's Notta Country!"

"It is a country!"

"I know! It's Notta Country!"

"It is!"

"…We are getting nowhere…"

"So how far away are we from that nice island in Wave Country?"

"Oh, about six hours."

"SIX!"

"Yeah. We should be getting to a hotel soon."

"What kind?"

"Let's worry about that later."

-HOTEL LOBBY, 7:01 P.M.…-

"You have got to be kidding me," Sakura and Ino said in unison.

"That talking in unison thing is getting creepy," observed Shikamaru.

"Seriously, this place is a –beep- pile. Trust me, after living in Sand Village for so long, I know," commented Gaara.

"Deal with it. It's the only place we've got. Once we settle in, we'll get something to eat," stated Kakashi, dismissing their complaints. Except maybe the talking in unison thing.

In the end, Gaara and Sasuke were in one room, back to playing games, Sakura and Ino were in the same room (obviously), and everybody was in the same room with who they sat with, except for Shino, who had to sleep alone, considering he alone was used to actually having the bed bugs bite. After unpacking, the ninjas all gathered in the hotel lobby. None were agreeing on a restaurant, so eventually Kakashi silenced them and stated that they would be eating at one of the Internet cafes. That would shut them up.

-RANDOM INTERNET CAFÉ, 7:34 P.M.…-

Gaara and Sasuke had now stumbled upon Counter Strike, after striking the counter (puns, yay!), and were now playing it online. Sasuke, getting a bit to into it, yelled, "My heart's racing! My heart's racing! My hands are shaking! My hands are shaking! But I'm still shooting! I'm still getting head shots! It's like, boom, head shot! Boom, head shot! BOOM! HEAD SHOT!"

No doubt, the group was kicked out. It was partly for the disruption, but mostly because the manager of the restaurant was one of the people who Sasuke beat. Kakashi sighed and decided the children couldn't be taken places, so they all just returned to the hotel and got some food from a vending machine.

-LEE AND NEJI'S ROOM, 7:40 P.M.…-

Neji, tired from listening to Lee, leaned up against the wall. Unfortunately, he leaned up against the only beam supporting the entire building, and due to years of rotting, it gave way, causing the whole building to collapse in on itself. An ambulance appeared almost immediately. A few medics jumped out of it, but instead of picking up the people and putting them on stretchers, or helping in any way, really, the doctors dropped key cards on the ground for them all to pick. Neji looked at them strangely-well, you can't look normally without pupils, but whatever-and asked, "Aren't you going to take us to the hospital?"

"Well, we don't have any doctors with even a high school degree, so I think you have a better chance in your very own MARRIOTT SUITE!" responded one of the medics.

"Fine…"

The group escaped the wreckage with their things, and with a final comment by Gaara of, "Well, it's technically a –beep- pile now", the group stumbled to Marriott Inn… and Suites. Whatever.

-MARRIOTT INN… AND SUITES, 8:38 P.M.…-

Gaara and Sasuke were playing on the courtesy Play Station 2, and getting a bit wrapped up. "Take the –beep-ing node, Uchiha!" yelled Gaara.

"I would, if I wasn't-argh… getting gang banged!" responded Uchiha.

"I'm killing them! Now take the –beep-ing node!"

"Look at the –beep-ing screen!"

"I see I'm killing these guys easily, and you are helping me when you should be taking the –beep-ing node!"

"Fine!" Sasuke easily took the node, much to Gaara's ego. Or whatever the correct way to say that is. Whatever.

"Now was that so hard?"

"Look at the –beep-ing screen! They're –beep-ing killing us!"

"Why did you suicide, you –beep-ing idiot?"

"THEY were about to –beep-ing kill me!"

"You could have killed one or two more before being killed and-oh –beep-, I'm dead too. Multiplayer _now_, you stupid son of a –beep-!"

"Bring it!"

-WHIEL THEY ARE SWITCHING MODES, AND THEIR BLOOD PRESSURE IS LOWERING, LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH LEE AND NEJI…-

"Bunk buddies!"

"Shut up, Lee!"

"You're hurtful, bunk buddy!"

"Don't pick up that pillow, Lee."

"Jeesh, it's like you have eyes in the back of your head…"

"I do, moron."

-BACK WITH GAARA AND SASUKE…-

The two were yelling at each other as they were playing multiplayer, loud enough to bother Ino and Sakura. Well, really only Sakura, who in turn bothered Ino. You see how the system works? Good. So Sakura popped her head into the room and asked, "Gaara-chan, would you quit yelling while you are playing on that Gamecube?"

"firstly, stop with this 'chan' crap. Secondly, this is a PS2," responded Gaara.

"No, seriously, that is a Gamecube. And are you playing Mario Kart Double Dash? Since when are there nodes in Mario Kart?"

"…It's true… Wow, video games really do rot your brain. But anyways, go away."

Sakura stuck out her tongue and closed the door. When they heard a door close next door, Gaara and Sasuke decided it was safe to get some rest. Well Sasuke did, because Gaara, with the demon and all… well, you get the picture. As Sasuke placed his head on his pillow, he had joined the ranks of all the other ninjas, nestled in their beds. Except Gaara, of course, but you get the point. They didn't get to rest long, though, for just as the ninjas were dosing off, the huge sounds of buzzing and crashing came to existence outside of their windows. Soon all of the windows were open, and all the ninjas realized that the hotel was located right next to… a lumberjack site. Neji, always the jerk of the group, or one of them rather, decided to yell, "-Beep- off, you stupid lumberjacks!"

This resulted in one of the "stupid lumberjacks" shooting Neji a bird and yelling, "-Beep- you! We prefer to be called 'tree removal technicians!'" The lumberjack-oh yeah, I said it-then threw a still running chainsaw at Neji. Luckily, Neji's Byakugan had sensed this just as it happened, and he instantly jumped to the right of the window. The chainsaw ended up lodging itself in the roof. Before long, though, the chainsaw fell down, cutting Neji's bed in half. Neji carefully picked up the chainsaw and threw it back down at the lumberjack, cutting off his arm. The man looked at the gaping would and commented, "'Tis but a flesh wound." The lumberjacks, exacting their revenge, held up megaphones to their chainsaws, which kept the ninjas up all night.

-THE NEXT DAY, 10:28 A.M.…-

The tired ninjas-and not tired Gaara-had stumbled outside and waited at the hotel entrance for Kakashi for three hours, and at this moment their jounin leader finally showed. Naruto sighed and asked, "Let me guess, you got lost on the road of life."

"No, I was actually having a sammich at Subway. Subway, eat fresh!" said Kakashi, winking and giving a thumbs-up to a nearby camera. The cameraman gave a thumbs-up as well, packed up, gave Kakashi a check, and walked off.

Naruto sighed again and commented, "I always you'd be the first commercial sell-out."

"Psh, whatever. So where do you guys want to eat?"

"Wendy's?" suggested Sakura and Ino simultaneously. Yes, the synchronized speech freaks me out too.

"Okay."

-WENDY'S, 10:49 A.M.…-

Sakura, having soup, suddenly yelled, "There's a finger in my soup! I am suing! For money!"

Gaara, in a mood to rain on someone's parade, found a perfect chance. "That is your finger. It is still attached."

Now it was obviously pure coincidence, but Kanye West's and Jamie Foxx's "Gold Digger" started playing on the built-in Wendy's radio station. Sakura sighed and asked, "Why did you ruin this for me? I thought you loved me!"

"…Do I even have to think up a snappy retort?"

-ON THE ROAD AGAIN, GOIN' PLACES THAT THEY'VE NEVER BEEN, MAKIN' MUSIC WITH THEIR FRIENDS… 12:13 P.M.…-

Naruto was again leaning over Kakashi's shoulder, both noticing at the same time an interesting place. Kakashi turned around to face the group and asked, "Hey, who wants to see Death Valley?"

All slowly raised their hands, not out of reluctance, but out of tiredness. "All" excludes Gaara, who brought up his hand quickly, not only because lack of sleep is child's play to him, but also because the thought of sand and death were _strangely _appealing.

-DEATH VALLEY, 3:46 P.M.…-

The valley really wasn't as interesting as it was cracked up to be. All the surroundings were off-white or light green. Suddenly, the car began to shake. Kakashi mumbled, "What's with all the speed bumps?"

Lee whose face had been glued to the window (literally, thanks to Neji), suddenly screamed in terror, and then in pain, as his head fell back and landed on Neji's lap. Neji instantly shoved Lee back to the window, thus repeating the process. This was repeated about six times until Neji saw what Lee was scared of: the rotten living undead, causing them both to join the ranks of ninjas hiding in the aisle. The only one not hiding was Gaara, who had tolerated the undead before. But he certainly didn't like them—they smell funny. Sakura crawled on hands and knees over to Kakashi, dragging Ino with her in the process, much to the latter's displeasure, and exclaimed, "This is nothing like the pictures! Are you sure this is Death Valley?"

"Well, it was called the 'Valley of Death,' but I thought it was a misprint on the map. I mean, they misspelled 'map' at the top."

"I hate you."

Kakashi wept inside, but whatever. The zombies continued to attack the now unmoving bus until Gaara finally opened up quicksand pits around the bus. All of the zombies were sucked up, but the problems were not over. Kakashi still couldn't start the vehicle. The group was in indecision whether to search out help or wait for it. So they ended up just sitting there.

-SIX HOURS LATER, 9:56 P.M.…-

The group finally decided to send someone out. Of course, it was Neji.

-THREE HOURS LATER, 12:58 A.M.…-

The group still had no sign of Neji, and all were at their breaking point. Except for Gaara. Just when they were at the very end, still excluding Gaara, a car formed on the horizon-a limousine. It halted in front of the bus, and its occupants exited. A well-dressed man walked over and knocked on the Ninja Bus™'s door. Kakashi rotated a lever to open the door, without even looking. The man entered and asked, "Having some car trouble?"

Kakashi mumbled something that was meant to be "No –beep-."

The man waved them all outside and directed what seemed to be a butler (or Jeeves, who could respectively be a butler) to the bus. Within five minutes under the bus, the butler appeared and stated, "Done."

"So quick?" asked Kakashi.

"Yes. You just had an arm stuck in there!" The butler pulled out a disembodied arm from behind his back and rested the hand on Sakura's shoulder. This sent her running, dragging Ino off with her. Eventually she tripped and regained her senses, but only after ticking off Ino immensely and giving plenty a good laugh with her warranted terror.

The well-dressed man, who will not be named, looked to Kakashi and stated, "That will be 300 dollars."

Kakashi looked through his wallet and realized that the Subway check was the only way to give a solid payment. He pulled it out and the man took it, jumped into the car, and sped off with his assistants in a second. Sakura frowned and commented, "We were stranded in a valley of zombies, and someone just stole our money! A $1,000 check for a $300 payment!"

Gaara walked over and stated, "No, this is a giant burial ground. I just filled the corpses with sand and animated them. You're on Candid Camera!" Gaara waved at a fake rock with a camera inside as everyone broke out in cheesy laughter, all somehow ignoring the fact that a maniac who can animate corpses is right near them.

-OUT OF THE VALLEY, 3:18 A.M.…-

Kakashi, utterly worn out, was hardly keeping control of the vehicle. Unfortunately, this resulted in another human speed bump; in this case, a white-eyed one. Kakashi didn't seem to notice and drove on, stopping at a hotel half a mile away.

He looked back at the young ninjas, most sleeping, their faces dimly lit by the overhead lights. He called, "Come on, we're stopping for the night."

Most went ahead and got up, Gaara closing his copy of The Cardinal of the Kremlin. Naruto didn't get up. Soon, various members of the group were poking and prodding him, some commenting on a funky smell, and Hinata silently crying. How the heck does she do that! Kakashi, alarmed, pulled out the medical equipment, namely the defribulator, and slammed the pads on Naruto's chest. After fifteen minutes of this, he threw the machine to the ground and yelled, overdramatically, "NOOOOOOO!"

Gaara, pleased by this happening, sarcastically snapped and commented, "Oh well…" Strangely, this minor action broke Naruto from his VERY deep slumber. Kakashi just stared… and probably made an expression…

Naruto mumbled incoherently for a little while, but eventually formed the word, "Huh?"

Meanwhile, Sasuke, still hypnotized, first saw Kakashi and wrapped the collar of his shirt over his mouth and pulled out a dirty book. Gaara smirked at this and commented, "Well f--- a duck, you're still hypnotized. This will be interesting.

They all stepped outside and headed through the door to the hotel and looked around. IT was great. The tiles on the floor were made from polished marble, there were fireplaces smelling of sweet hickory in the corners, and in the center was a bubbling fountain. The general consensus among the group was, "How can we afford this?" excluding Gaara, who was thinking his usual thoughts. Which weren't involving affording rooms here. Kakashi walked up to the clerk and stated, "Five card keys on the house, please."

"I can't do that!" responded the clerk.

"You remember when I bailed you out? _Never_ betray the family."

The man instantly forked over the tickets and Kakashi started heading off toward the rooms. Ino (and subsequently Sakura) ran up to Kakashi and asked, "You're in the mafia, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Nah, he's my brother-in-law. I bailed him out when my father found out he bought a yacht with his inheritance the day after eh got it."

-WITH GAARA AND SASUKE, 3:32 A.M.…-

Gaara was again reading his book and Sasuke was dozing. That's it. What, do I have to make jokes for you all the time? GOSH! …Okay, there were some funny things happening. They both were trying to concentrate, but a lot of commotion above kept distracting them. Sasuke sighed and commented, "What, are we below the party room?"

Gaara ripped a bronze placard with an engraved map on it off the wall and answered, "Yup, right below…"

"Are you sure you should have taken that off the wall?"

"Meh." Gaara opened the sliding-glass door, walked onto the balcony beyond, and threw it down, randomly killing a pedestrian. Whatever.

Meanwhile, Sasuke had found a broom and was using the wooden side to poke hard on the roof above. He was also yelling, but nothing seemed to work. Finally he decided to take action and ran up the stairs to the room. He kicked open the door, and yelled with his eyes closed, "Quit! I need sleep. I am gonna report you if you don't stop this crap right now!"

For dramatic effect, he glared for a second, at which point he realized his mistake: Secret Service types were yelling at party volume, running, and giving CPR to a Kage on a bed. One glared at Sasuke and said, "Our Kage, in old age, fell into a death-like state, and we are reviving him. You want him to die? Treason in the highest!"

The agents started surrounding Sasuke and making hand seals. Sasuke, like a trapped animal, broke the ring, crashed through the sliding-glass door, and jumped off the balcony. He landed on his coccyx upon the railing and was flung upon the balcony of his room upon his spine. Gaara saw all of this and could say only, "It would have been funnier if he was hypnotized."

Gaara watched Sasuke pitifully beg to be let in, and continued to wait until Sasuke slid open the door and dragged himself on hands and knees into the room. He could only raise his middle finger before passing out. Gaara used his sand to lower the offending finger, but ended up using too much with too much force, straightening out his back and placing the coccyx in the right position. Gaara cursed and turned on the TV to be alone. Unfortunately, the volume was turned to the max, and the remote wasn't working. It was so loud that he couldn't get to the television without going deaf, so he just clogged his ears with sand and locked himself in the bathroom. This carried on to all of the other rooms, and no one got any sleep. It really didn't matter much, as Kakashi was honking the horn on the bus in the parking lot soon after the incident. They all stumbled out, glaring at Gaara (except for Sakura), who glared back. For some reason. Psh, he doesn't need any stinking reason.

-NONDESCRIPT COUNTRYSIDE, 5:03 A.M.…-

The view was beautiful. The newly risen sun was spreading its amber waves upon the fresh fields of wheat. Farmed by immigrants enslaved for citizenship. Whatever. What had the group's attention was an adorable, snow-white rabbit hopping merrily near the crops. Some ninjas were commenting on how cute it was—no, not the guys… until a wolf jumped out of some bushes, grabbed the rabbit by the chest, and chomped it in half. Frowns all around. :(

-UNDEFINED ROAD-WAY, 6:24 A.M.…-

It was a true sign of human accomplishment. It was an Amish community. A group of men were bringing up the frame of a new barn as sunlight poured through its framework. One man was even waving at them. Some ninjas were commenting on how cute he was—no, not the guys… until a tag-less van opened up automatic machine gun fire on him, animating him even after death. Frowns all around. :(

-WITH NEJI, 7:56 A.M.…-

The Hyuuga star was sitting on the side of the road, grabbing around his upward-bending legs for warmth. He was dehydrated, battered, and soaked to the bone, and on top of it all, he had come to realize that his so-called "friends" weren't even going to help him. He sighed and pushed himself to his feet, again, using the universal hitch-hiking hand sign. Not too long after, a rusted pickup screeched to a halt in front of him, and a door opened to reveal an overweight man in flannel and a baseball cap. And pants. And shoes. He said simply, "Get in."

Neji thanked him and jumped in. He closed the door behind him and looked around. Not exactly a Rolls-Royce (as mentioned before), but also not horrible. He then looked in the back, and the small smile he had went away. Chainsaws, gutting knives, and pretty much any weapon leading to a gory death were sprawled across the back, all with coats of dried blood. Neji was too panicked to explain to the man where he needed to go. He jumped up, go hit on the head by the roof, cursed, grabbed his head, and THEN used Gentle Fist to break open the window. He jumped out and landed on his head, causing everything to go black.A few minutes later-which seemed like hours to him-a familiar but now angelic voice called out, "Need some help, Neji-chan?"

Neji stood, vision still blurred, and hugged this unknown person, thanking them. Naturally, this particular person liked the action very much. The mysterious person wrapped Neji's arm around their shoulder and started walking toward a vehicle. Just before they reached it, though, there was a loud sound of crashing, and suddenly the person shoved Neji onto the ground. Neji's sight was clear long enough to see that the car they were heading to had been hit. Suddenly the familiar resentment returned, and Neji yelled, "Tenten!"

"Sorry…"

"How did you even get a car!"

"Well I just got a ride…" She looked through the crushed driver's side window and pointed out the obvious: "Ayup, he's dead."

"Great. Now we are _both_ stranded. Together. As if my day was not bad enough already…"

Frowns all around. Except for the dude driving by in a limousine with a built-in pool.

-NINJA BUS™, 10:08 A.M.…-

Kakashi was shuffling for some Wet Ones (haha) in the glove compartment when his hand came upon a small hard-plastic box. He pulled it out and obliviously announced, "Hey, a GPS!"

The passengers tried hard to suppress the urge to beat the living crap out of Kakashi. Sakura yelled, "You had that and you didn't use it!"

"I didn't know…" Kakashi mumbled as he fiddled with the little device. No, not _literally_ fiddled with it, it isn't a musical instrument, but you should get the picture.

"Heyo," greeted the machine.

"Um… hello?"

"I am a machine. This isn't a freaking conversation."

"Well most GPS units don't say 'Heyo.'"

"That _still_ doesn't mean I'm interactive!"

"You are interacting right now!"

"…Please state your destination."

"You don't like losing an argument, do you?"

"Who does?"

"Ha! I rest my case."

"…Please state your destination."

"OH, I see how it goes. Well anyways, I need to get to Song Harbor."

"276 miles."

"Best route?"

"The paved one."

"Just tell me where to go."

"Right."

"Look at that pretty tree!" exclaimed Naruto.

-LE ROAD, JUST TO MIX UP THE LANGUAGE A BIT, 11:16 A.M.…-

"That sure is a nice tree!" announced Naruto.

-ROAD-YA WEI, 12:05 P.M.…-

"Ooo, quite good tree!" commented Naruto.

-ROAD TO REDEMPTION, OR $5 RIBS, 1:36 P.M.…-

"what a tr-Wait… this sure seems familiar," Naruto finally realized.

Kakashi frowned and looked at the GPS. He asked, "Why are you taking us in circles?"

"Took you long enough to notice. I thought it would have been clear when I told you to make four continuous right turns…" responded the machine. Kakashi glared, with Rage Against the Machine (puns, yay!), opened the window, and held the GPS out. IT screeched loudly, "Fine! Fine! Fine! Four continuous left turns!" Kakashi let the small computer fall to the point where he was only holding the stout antenna. "Okay! Left!"

"That's better."

"I'm hungry," announced Naruto.

"GPS, where can we find a diner?" asked Kakashi.

"Well, there is a small one in the next town," stated the system.

-INSIGNIFICANT DINER, 2:53 P.M.…-

Kakashi pulled up to the rectangular white building and let the ninjas out. They all caught a glimpse inside through the paneled glass doors that made up the majority of the front wall. Inside was a large bar, behind which were the employees, in front of which were quite a few cushioned stools. There were a few booths placed against the wall, some occupied by trucker types. The group pushed open the doors, which led to a small room containing a newspaper stand. The next door was opened and they were finally walking upon the tiled floor. The clerk at the register asked, "What do you need?"

"Some menus, please," responded Kakashi.

"Fine." The clerk handed over laminated menus to the group. Naruto got every meat dish, and in general there were no interesting orders. Well there were, but I don't feel like writing them. I am _not _getting carpal tunnel for a story. Well not for frickin' menus. So it wasn't long before Naruto announced the need to use the bathroom. He rushed down the hall and into the men's room.

The interior was quite displeasing, but due to the condition of his home, he didn't really notice. He pulled his pants down, got seated on the toilet, and, with boxers down, and was ready to use the bathroom, when suddenly a loud scream came from the bathroom. He looked into the commode to find that the toilet was filled with cockroaches. No, there isn't any _intentional _inappropriate joke in that.

He jumped up, hot bothering to pull up his pants, slammed through the door, rushed into the main area, and slammed through the window. He landed on his face outside. Once he regained his senses, what little he had, he lifted his head slightly to see… two gleaming black boots lightly concealed by tan pants. He lifted his head further to realize that he was lying half-naked in front of a cop. The policeman said simply, "Indecent exposure."

-UNIMPORTANT JAIL-TYPE, 4:23 P.M.…-

The group, sans Naruto, entered the jail, talking merrily about their food-except for Gaara, Sasuke, and Hinata-and didn't seem to feel the emotions of people whose friend was in jail. Excluding Hinata. This only made things worse for the jailed Naruto. He called to them from behind the bars, "Can you get me out?"

"Well, we _can_," stated Kakashi.

Naruto sighed. "Fine. _May_ you bail me out?"

"Wrong helping verb again, mister!"

"Look. I want bail, not grammar."

"Don't take that attitude with me. Come on, all." And thus, all left Naruto, Hinata doing so reluctantly of course. Naruto sighed and turned to the cop on duty.

He called, "Hey, can I get out of here with collateral?"

"What you got?" asked the officer.

"A Rolex watch."

"Wait… it has _got_ to be fake."

"If it was fake, why would I be giving it to you for free?" The cop actually considered the question, and decided to take the bribe. Naruto handed him the fake watch and the officer opened the door. Naruto rushed out and into the Ninjas Bus™. The vehicle was off again, still filled with people completely ignoring the fact that Neji disappeared.

-INDISCRIMINANT MANSION, 5:06 P.M.…-

Neji and Tenten were sitting in the refined living room of a lavish estate, reclining in stuffed chairs across a mahogany table from a well-dressed man. Not to be confused with WDM1. This man was the only person to pick them up, let alone pick them up in a limo. Currently, they were negotiating the requirements for Neji to use the vehicle. He stated, "Now you see, my son is on the fringe of taking over my corporate empire. Problem is, all the people on my board agreed that he should be married first, for an heir and the positive image. Now seeing that you"-he pointed to Tenten-"are female, and you"-he pointed to Neji-"owe me and know her, I was thinking I could have you to give her. Keep in mind the wealth involved."

"No," responded Neji.

"Come on. I'm old. She'll be rich, and you will be too, with that new vehicle to be sold. Just stop arguing."

Neji glared and punched the guy in the face, knocking both the man and chair over. Tenten smirked and commented, "You do like me, don't you?"

Neji frowned more than usual and stated, "No. You see, by my studies, you assist in determining my fate…"

-HOUR-LONG SPEECH LATER, 6:12 P.M.…-

"…the Main House," concluded Neji.

Tenten woke up and said, "Okay, let's get going…"

The two pulled out of the driveway in the limo, poorly, and blocked traffic with the sideways position of the limousine One vehicle being the Ninja Bus™. Neji and friend exited the limo, much to the dislike of those waiting for the car to move. The two started heading up the stairs of the charter bus, but were stopped by a look from Kakashi and the comment, "You forgetting something?" This was followed by a jerk of the thumb toward the limo.

Neji glared at him and sat down. He was NOT getting left behind again. The remaining sat in the back, fitting her current importance in the plot. You see, as the characters are more influential at the moment, they move up and… you get the idea. The nice car just sat in front of them. Until a hobo started to steal it. But was killed by 500 insects form you-know-who-if-you-aren't-a-complete-retard. But EVENTUALLY a group of legitimate and very angry people shoved the vehicle of a nearby cliff, causing it to land on a Boy Scout camp, killing everyone there. Whatever.

-RANDOM FAST FOOD RESTAURANT, 6:58 P.M.…-

The group was diffused throughout the restaurant, eating burgers and fast food such as that-and sand-talking casually-and arguing, more commonly. This all came to a halt when Kakashi stood up and tapped his Styrofoam coffee cup with his plastic spoon. Well, that and calling, "Shut up!", the more effective method. The group turned to look-and glare-at him. He continued, "I looked upon the GPS just a moment ago and realized that we are only a mile from our destination!"

"Hey, shut up, -beep-hole!" yelled a random customer, who was ignored completely by the tired but happy Ninjas. Except for the ever unhappy and un-tired Gaara.

-IN THE BUS, 7:23 P.M.…-

They all entered pleasantly, excluding Gaara. Kakashi smiled as he got seated in the driver's seat. He pulled out the GPS and turned it on, only to find that it wasn't working. HE kept trying to turn in on and eventually yelled "NOOO!", completely forgetting it was a battery-operated device and that the batteries were in the glove compartment. Naruto commented, "Well what did you expect from a Magellan? To almost get you to your destination and die." Magellan's ghost frowned.

"Well you can see the dock from here anyway," stated Sasuke.

Kakashi nodded and drove up to it, but frowned when he realized that it was the wrong dock. He sighed and opened the door, and, with the others in tow, jumped into a random boat. When the captain asked what was going on, Kakashi held a kunai knife to the man's throat and told him where to go. The man glared and winked at some unseen people. He was ready and off just as some thugs appeared and began bombarding the Ninja Bus™ with Molotov cocktails. Naruto frowned, realizing that he and he alone had left his luggage there.

-ONE SAILING LATER, 10:08 P.M.…-

The boat finally landed in the darkness on the ivory shores of Religai Island.

To be continued in Chapter 14,

"I'm Rick James, Beach!

Part 2, The Island"

I spent a very long time on this chapter, so if you like it even one bit, please leave a review!


	14. I'm Rick James, Beach! 2: The Island

Chapter 14

**I'm Rick James, Beach!**

**Part 2, The Island**

All of the ninjas instantly headed for the condo and went to sleep, except for—well, we have gone over this before. Finally after three days of pain and sleep deprivation, the group was able to get some sleep. Except for—you know. The room and board was significantly better than the previous ones… that they paid for. Every room contained a foyer, a kitchen, a sliding-glass door located in the high-roofed living room, one bathroom, one bedroom, and one master bedroom. Soon all of the ninjas were sleeping as Gaara watched the television in the living room—one of three televisions, the two others being in each of the two bedrooms. He saw that it was now 12:13 thanks to the clock atop the television. Which exploded. For some reason.

-THE NEXT DAY, 8:05 A.M.…-

Kakashi had called the group to the tennis courts for an announcement. He stated, "Now in case you haven't noticed, there is no food-"

"I noticed!" interrupted Naruto.

"-in the refrigerators. So it is blatantly obvious to me that we need to go to the grocery store."

"That's gay," commented Neji.

"Hey, I go to the grocery store!"

"That tells you something, doesn't it?"

"You're hurtful, Neji!"

"Shut up, Lee."

"Children, if you would be so kind as to shut up, I will tell you that only a block or two away from here is a store. Now take this $100 for each of your condo groups and head off!" commanded Kakashi.

"I just have one question. Why can't we just eat out each day?"

"Because your mom, Neji."

-WINN-WIGGLY MAX, THE GENERIC GROCERY SUPERMARKET™, 8:18 A.M.…-

Sasuke saw it. The old lady saw it. The last can of Ragu. The two both rushed, pushing their carts in front of them. The woman knew Sasuke would make it there first, so she threw a twenty-ounce plastic bottle of Mountain Dew at his face. It broke, and the extremely salty contents flew into his eyes, blinding him. By the time he was able to see again, the woman was heading off with the sauce. Sasuke rushed toward her, picked up his cart, and hit her in the head with his cart, knocking her to the ground. He proceeded to beat her until she wasn't moving. Not that she was a live after the point he snapped her neck in the first hit. He heard footsteps coming toward the aisle. He yelled, "Oh shnap!" and grabbed the Ragu, rushing off.

Meanwhile, Lee was inhaling free samples, regardless of what they were. He was, in fact, who the people running down Sasuke's aisle were searching for. Eventually they found and him and tackled him, causing him to yell, "Mommy!" before using Taijutsu to knock them away. Naturally, the others were found and were kicked out. Luckily, only Lee didn't get his food. Whatever.

-BACK AT THE CONDOS, 9:40 A.M.…-

As usual, Gaara and Sasuke were competing. At this particular point, they were playing tennis. And failing miserably. Gaara had successfully sprained Sasuke's wrist, and Sasuke had successfully broken Gaara's sand armor over his… pants, and reduced Gaara to a quivering mass for quite a while. The game was continuing this way when Gaara sent the tennis ball through the fence and into the bushes. After a few minutes of waiting, Sasuke asked, "Aren't you going to get that?"

"No. Who knows what rabid beasts and itchy little thorns that you can't ever get out could be out there? You go," responded Gaara.

Sasuke frowned, but decided he was sort of beating Gaara by braving the rabid beasts and itchy little thorns that you can't ever get out, proceeding to walk out of the door and head toward the ball. Before he reached it, though, a stream of curses poured from his mouth (no, not an actual stream, it's a figure of speech, you see). He looked down to see a small metal pick with a ring around it lodged in his foot. He was about to throw the object in the water, but resisted the urge when he noticed an inscription on the ring. He pulled it out of his foot, wipe doff the blood, and found it to say, "Inside the giant mouth of flame, below the tongue of fire, in the broken charred remains, the very thing that you desire."

Sasuke ran back to the courts and told Gaara, "There's a treasure in a volcano!"

Gaara looked at him strangely and commented, "Good for you."

"Seriously, look at this trinket thing."

Gaara snatched in up and examined it. "Hm. Interesting. Too bad there are no volcanoes on this island."

"It could be a dome volcano, hidden in the forest."

"True. Just wondering, where did you learn about volcanoes?"

"Schoolhouse Rock."

-LEE'S, NEJI'S, AND TENTEN'S CONDO, 10:14 A.M.…-

"So who knows how to cook?" asked Lee.

"Your mom," responded Neji.

"Well, I took a home ec class in school," said the only kunoichi of the group. Besides Neji.

Tenten proceeded to pull out some pancake mix, a bowl, and some water. She poured the mix and water into the bowl and mixed them together into a batter, which she poured into pancake proportions on the pan. She looked up and stated, "Look at the box and you should be able to do the rest. I need to change for the beach."

The remaining two looked at the pan and then picked up the box. Well, Neji did. I mean seriously, both of them picking up that small box would be just silly. Well anyways, Neji looked at the instructions and told Lee, "You need to put the mix in the oven and set it to 300 for twenty minutes."

"Fahrenheit or Celsius?" asked Lee.

"Your mom."

"You're hurtful, Neji! But I am under the impression they are saying Celsius. Now the max is 80 Celsius, so let's just cook it for three hours and thirty minutes."

"Way too long. Now I learned this trick where you can actually go past the max." Neji walked over to the oven and hotwired it for 300 Celsius and only five minutes. "There."

Lee put in the pancakes and sat down. Neji was following suit until there was a giant explosion, at which point Neji started yelling about how he was on fire, and, in fact, was. Lee yelled, "Stop, drop, and roll, buddy!"

Neji yelled back, "Shut up, Lee!"

"You're hurtful, Neji!"

Eventually, Neji put himself out, just as Tenten entered. She commented, "I can't leave you two along for one minute, can I?"

Neji glared and stomped into his bedroom to change. Lee went to the bathroom to change, as he slept on the unfolding couch. About five minutes later, they both came out; Lee wearing a green Speedo (ew) and Neji wearing back trunks with his clan symbol all over them. They each picked up their beach items and headed off.

-BEACH, 12:08 P.M.…-

Everyone was assembled on the beach, excluding Gaara and Sasuke, spread about in their own separate circles… concentric circles (yay, big word). Sakura and Ino were playing beach volleyball (and failing miserably, as it is a game requiring two hands and one person). More importantly, Neji had run into an old man, who had a request. He, well, requested, "Young man, you wouldn't mind holding this hammer and sickle, would you?"

"I know this will end up as a comical infliction of pain upon me, but okay," responded Neji. He took the tools and walked off. Before long, though, he was asleep, tools on his chest.

-THREE HOURS LATER, 3:16 P.M.…-

Neji woke up and rolled to the side. Knowing what would happen once he leaned on the sickle, he quickly leaned back, leaving the tools on the ground beside him. He stretched and caught a look at himself in some shiny scrap metal leaning against a lifeguard station. What he saw brought an even bigger frown than he normally had. On his red chest (from sunburn) was a symbol on his yellow (slightly tanned), previously unexposed chest; the Soviet Russian symbol. Truly, his entire front chest was a Communist flag. He turned to see some veterans of the Cold War glaring at him and beginning to rush after him. He saw this and began rushing off, not very fast due to his burns. He shoved a nearby kid off a skim board, killing the kid (whatever). He jumped on the board and sped off. Until the board broke on a rock. And sent his head into the ground again. In the perfect position for a lobster being washed on shore to be shoved up where the sun don't shine. Poor Neji. Not really.

-FOUR HOURS LATER, 7:20 P.M.…-

Someone actually cared enough to pull Neji out of the ground: Lee. Tenten was providing "emotional support" while painting her toenails on the rocks. As soon as Lee had pulled Neji out of the ground, Lee commented, "You owe me!"

"Shut up, Lee."

"You're hurtful, Neji!"

"We are SO going to the city tomorrow. Let's get some food."

"But I'm not hun-"

"Too –beep-ing bad. Just give me your money and I will get some food."

A cop heard this, thought it was a stick-up, and tackled Neji. Neji, used to such "inconveniences," just walked off…

-NEJI'S CONDO, 7:45 P.M.…-

Neji was just stumbling back when he saw an unfortunate sight: Tenten. She instantly exclaimed, "Hi, Neji-chan!"

Neji just glared and responded, "I just got tackled, got my head stuck in the ground, have a communist flag of the former Soviet Union sunburned on my chest, and on top of it all, just got sodomized by a crustacean. Do you really think want to _chat_?"

"That's horrible! Do you want to talk about it?"

-MEANWHILE, WITH GAARA AND SASUKE, 7:48 P.M.…-

Gaara was analyzing a map in his bedroom. He sighed and punched the table the map was on. Sasuke walked in and asked, "What's up?"

"I sit… in my desolate room. No lights. No music. Just anger!" responded Gaara.

"You realize that no one is going to catch on to the subtle System of a Down reference, don't you?"

"Well they will now. _Thanks_ for spoiling it for everyone, Uchiha." Gaara then shot a glare that almost made Sasuke crap his smiley face boxers.

"Well what do you have to tell me?"

"There aren't any volcanoes, not even dome. Could that little item you found be from a… Happy Meal?"

"No way! I have all the Treasure Island collection!"

"…"

"What? They could be… uh… worth something some day! Anyways, let's search the island tomorrow."

"I'm tired of this accursed goose chase."

"So you would rather stay with the group? More specifically, Sakura? I didn't know you felt that way."

"You are a sadistic basta-"

-THE NEXT DAY, 8:02 A.M.…-

Most of the group, excluding Gaara and Sasuke, were eating at the continental breakfast in the condo lobby. They were all sprawled around the tables (no, not literally; they were _seated _ay different tables). Ino and Sakura, however, were a bit busy at the serving area. "Cocoa Puffs, Ino pig!"

"Doughnuts, forehead girl!"

"You've had more than enough already, from the look of it!"

"STOP IT! YOU'RE TEARING US APART!"

"…Shino?"

"…"

-MEANWHILE, WITH SASUKE AND GAARA, 8:13 A.M.…-

The two were currently bravely besting the wilds of nature, which roughly translates to the, both being completely lost. Gaara glared (as usual) and commented, "Well this is just mother –beep-ing great. We are completely lost. Great job, Uchiha."

"It isn't my entire fault, you know. You're the one with the map," responded Uchiha.

"Well the map is unreliable."

"Let me see that!" Sasuke snatched the map, looked it over, and frowned. As usual. "You have been reading the map upside down!"

"No I haven't. If I had, we'd be in the ocean now!"

Sasuke then looked down at his soaked feet and glared at Gaara. Who glared back. For one reason or another. Psh, he doesn't need a reason. He's cool like that.

-MEANWHILE, WITH THE OTHERS, 8:46 A.M.…-

The group of friends (not so much in some cases) was currently heading toward the city and discussing what to do. "Let's go on a bus tour!" exclaimed Naruto.

"I want to go to one of those old mansions," stated Neji.

"Come on Neji, I don't think they can fit a whole bus in a house!"

"Well you know what? I _do_ think you're retarded."

"I want to go… on a nature walk…" muttered Shino.

"Museum!" announced Sakura and Ino in unison.

"Now if only we had an organized mind like Sasuke's or Gaara's to set up a schedule," commented Naruto.

A few feet away, Kakashi wept. Not really. Unless you are counting the tears of joy he was getting from Icha Icha Paradise.

"What about me? I thought I was… one of the trio…" Neji cried on the inside. Okay, that's a lie. But whatever.

"Were' waiting…"

"Um… Well, we could go to where we want, and meet at one of the marina restaurants for lunch…"

"Some can tell 'em, some can't."

"What did I do wrong? This is how Sasuke formulates his plans!"

"But you don't have the _feel_. You have to have black hair, specialized eyes, wear the same clothes almost every day, and be in a prestigious can where your family was killed."

Neji just stared… and eventually commented, "You know, there is a difference between displeasure and spite."

"Yeah, that's it. You're just a loser and I don't like y-"

His sentence was halted by a meeting between his face and Tenten's fist. She stood in front of his twitching body and responded, "That'll work. Where do you people all want to go?"

"Nature walk…" stated Shino. Again. No one ever listens to him… :(

"Rm frup ga bruft frer," mumbled Naruto. If he was not speaking in Painfulnese, he would roughly have said, "I'm up for a bus tour." It was just impossible to discern his earlier sentence of "Just kidding."

"Well considering we are just repeating ourselves, let's disperse and meet back as planned," Neji said. They all dispersed into their separate groups.

-TOUR BUS STOP, WITH NARUTO, HINATA, AND SHIK, 9:02 A.M.…-

The trio had been waiting for quite a while when finally a bus arrived. They quickly jumped on. Well, Shikamaru didn't, but whatever. Naturally, the three all wanted to sit together, but due to the size of the seat, it was quite uncomfortable. So Shik sat somewhere else, and Naruto and Hinata sat together, which Hinata silently cheered about. Argh! After a few minutes, the driver closed the door and started, well, driving. He began, "Hello, I hope you enjoy the tour. My name is Chuck! Now the first place you will see is to the right. It's the Bobbo House."

"Oh my gosh, that is so gay," commented Naruto.

"This is the house of the first known homosexual statesman."

"Oh my gosh! I predicted that ahead of time! I must have ESPN!"

"Um, are you having a problem, sir?"

"N-no…"

"Well I would really appreciate if you would shut up."

"You're hurtful, Chuck!"

-MEANWHILE, WITH NEJI AND HIS TEAM, 9:15 A.M.…-

Neji, Lee, and Tenten decided to go to the houses together. Or rather, Lee and Tenten suggested it, Neji declined, and they followed him against his will. Whatever the reason, they were all together, and all saw it at once. The Winslot Manor. Neji walked up to a bronze placard and learned more about the mansion. "The Winslot Manor was built in 1785 by Martin Winslot, famous for his sale of antiques, which were actually modern then, if you think about it. But anyways, this mansion is known for its parties," he read.

"This place is _beautiful_!" announced Tenten.

"Look! There's a tour group forming right now!" said Lee.

"How strangely convenient!"

"I like exclaiming!"

The trio joined the crowd of tourists just as the tour started. How opportune! They all entered and were amazed. Chandeliers, paintings, TILED FLOORS, all that –beep-. The guide turned around to face the group and explained, "This is the entryway. In his time, this would be where guests would meet and greet before heading to the dining hall or ballroom. This is also the locations of the first act of violence. In 1790, just five years after the building was born, Winslot's brother-in-law was castrated. Some guests agreed that they heard"-he voice went monotone as eh read from a note he had pulled out of his pocket-"'That's for spilling that drink on me at your wedding!' The one who committed the act was never found. Now if you will come this way…"

"That was… interesting…" muttered Neji.

Theo group followed the guide up the "U" stairs. Before they reached the top, though, the guide halted the group. He pointed at the railing and stated, "This was the site of one of the first murders. Now you see the brother-in-law didn't _die_; he just suffered, and never had the balls to say who did it! HAHAHAhehhuh… er, anyways, some unnamed guest got shoved to the floor below. He landed on his head, and his neck snapped. No one like him anyway, though, so whatever."

The guide was very quickly ruining the experience for the trio. Nevertheless, they continued on to a hall. The guide stopped the group again and used his arms to indicate the beautiful hall. Because really, his feet wouldn't be that effective. He announced again, "Not too many interesting murders here… mainly just people stabbing other people as they walked down the hall. Bunch of hauntings 'round here, so if you start getting that 'not-so-freshly-bodily-controlled' feeling, that is probably because you are being possessed!" The guide smiled merrily. "Speaking of, there is a ghost tour tonight, free of charge. Check it out!"

The trio was planning to leave, the once beautiful mansion how spoiled, but something stopped them. For Lee, it was "youth power," which by his logic could somehow repel supernatural beings, as he exclaimed, Neji couldn't appear weak even in the company of strangers, and Tenten stayed because of, well, Neji, but not because of Lee. So really it wasn't a trio decision, but rather Neji walking away form the other two, Tenten following, and Lee running past both of them, yelling "YOUTH POWER!", running into someone in the main group of tourists, and falling on his spandex-covered behind.

The group had currently been ushered into a bedroom, and the three just caught the last bit of the guide's morbid speech, "…the headless squirrel! Hehe!"

The group all exited, excluding the significant trio, who were still absentmindedly admiringly the grandeur of the room. Neji finally began to move toward the doorway when he tripped on a floorboard and was sent tumbling into a nearby closet. His head caught the doorknob, and the old door budged in the closet doorway, locking him in.

Lee immediately ran up to the door and said, "Neji, you gotta come out of the closet, omagah!"

Neji glared, not that Lee could see, and responded, "I would if I could… Shut up Lee…"

"You're hurtful, Neji!" Lee ran out of the room crying like some moron (which he, well, is).

"Well, I will stay with you, Neji-chan! Well you see, actually I won't be with you except in spirit, but I'll come back for the ghost tour! By bye, Neji-chan!" said Tenten. She then left, and Neji didn't know whether to be happy or sad.

-MEANWHILE, WITH SHINO, 11:15 A.M.…-

Shino was basking in his coolness on a bench when he noticed something: a small, eight-legged creature. He tried to keep his cool, but ran as soon as the spider got within five feet of him. In fact, he ran right into…

-GAARA AND SASUKE, 11:16 A.M.…-

Shino tripped over a root and looked up to see that… Sasuke had a squirrel in his mouth and Gaara was glaring at a tree. Shino gave them a weird look (possibly) and just stood there. Truly, it was a story for another time. Maybe never. Who really gives a –beep-? Shino eventually asked, "What the –beep-?"

"I was hungry, man…" muttered Sasuke, though he was hard to understand with all but the tail of a squirrel in his mouth.

"Am I'm thinking…" stated Gaara as the tree he was glaring at turned to ashes.

"About…?"

"That is none of your business."

"You are going to tell me."

"What are you going to do?" Trademark Gaara glare.

"Have you ever had ants in your pants?"

"Point taken. Well, we have reason to believe there is treasure in a volcano here. Your bugs would fry when searching for it, but you can help us figure this out. We are trying to find a volcano, but as you can tell by the squirrel, we are not faring so well."

"How did you catch on in the first place?"

"This." Gaara pulled out the artifact and dropped it into Shino's hand. Or rather, threw it at his eye. But the sunglasses blocked the shot and it landed in his had, so whatever.

He looked at it for just a few minutes and stated, "It isn't talking about a volcanOMIGOSH, THE SPIDER'S BACK!" Shino dropped the object and started running off. Gaara frowned (as usual) and picked it up, replacing I tin his pocket. His _pants_ pocket.

"Now I wonder what this means then… a man-made pit?"

"Fi fink fwee fud gft fum foot," stated Sasuke. This roughly translated to "I think we should get some food."

"Seriously, how did you get that squirrel stuck in your mouth?"

Sasuke frowned, shrugged, and gave an "I don't care" look. He started waling off, tripped, got back up, and kept walking, Gaara following.

-BOARDWALK, 11:58 A.M.…-

Lee was spasmodically (as usual) walking on the sandstone border of the boardwalk when he heard Tenten's voice. He turned for a second, but realized he only had a minute until noon. With the restaurant in sight, he started running. Unfortunately, bricks plus running don't equal success, and he tripped and fell into the water. Tenten did absolutely nothing, as her call was, "Lee, you idiot, don't run there." She walked into the restaurant.

-INSIDE THE RESTAURANT, 12:02 P.M.…-

The group was dispersed about the restaurant, talking about just about everything not relating to the missing five… and bears. Shik walked up to each table, stating that it would be best if they came back to their rooms by nine, thanks to a not-so-kind request from Ino. Once he finally got finished, he collapsed in his booth as if he had run twenty miles. Naruto leaned over to him and commented, "Hey, you've got her on the tip of your finger."

Shikamaru just sighed…

-WITH SASUKE AND GAARA, 3:07 P.M.…-

Sasuke was just walking along when suddenly he tripped on a stone structure. After plenty of muffled cursing, he stumbled to his feet and examined the structure. It was a reasonably wide stone basin, partially buried. He turned to Gaara and started mumbling various things, which were coherent behind the squirrel. Gaara turned to Sasuke and gave him a strange look. "What? Trouble? Jimmy's stuck in the well?" Gaara asked.

Sasuke started pointing to the basin and Gaara got the picture. He stuck his index finger in the black contents and examined it. It was gunpowder. He pulled out the artifact and noted that it had stains that could be caused by gunpowder. He slowly started noticing more details: the ring was attached to the needle by what looked like the dial of a sundial, there were one through twelve arrayed like on a clock along the side of the ring, and the dial was pointing to three.

He jumped into the powder (GUNPOWDER-the cocaine is elsewhere), and started digging. Sure enough, in the center was the base of a dial, which led him to dig up the entire dial. He jumped out and noted the numbers on the side of the basin, namely where three was. He began pushing the dial, and, with Sasuke's help, he was able to align the dial with three, revealing a clear underground path for flames to follow through a large hole in the dial. Gaara turned to Sasuke and smirked, saying, "The tongue of flame. This will lead us to the treasure."

"Garffie fee chud hway fwo tumuwm," responded Sasuke.

"Yes, we'll lay low tomorrow. But the day after will be devoted to our search."

-WINSLOT MANOR, 7:17 P.M.…-

Tenten finally came back for Neji. She shoved many unnecessary people (and some who were asking for it) out of the way and… got lost. Meanwhile, Neji was relaxing in the closet as a cold hand touched him. Having heard of all the hauntings, his skin went white as a rock (er, a white rock), sunburn disappearing, and he slammed through the closet door, turning it to splinters, and rushed head on… down a flight of stairs, knocking Tenten over as well. The cold hand belonged to Orochimaru, not that that fact would have changed things.

-THE NEXT DAY, WITH SAKURA AND INO, 8:06 A.M.…-

Presently, the two, after arguing so, joined Sasuke in the loss of ability to talk. "O-e g-r," stuttered Ino.

"I-o p-g," responded Sakura.

-WITH LEE, TENTEN, AND NEJI, 8:45 A.M.…-

"Let's go to Cocomo! You get there fast and then you take it slo-OOF!" Lee got shoved down.

"Shut up, Lee! You're sodomizing the hits! But seriously, what are we doing today? I'm all up for sitting in a bomb-proof room in a suit of armor."

"Silly Neji-chan! It's not like you're going to fall asleep, get the Nazi flag sunburned onto your chest thanks to some driftwood and a net, have this all happen right next to a synagogue vacation tent, which causes you to run away from them and toward a white supremacist barbecue, which in turn causes you to run straight forward in front of an oncoming train!"

"You scare me sometimes, Tenten…"

-CONDO LOBBY, 9:06 A.M.…-

The group slowly came out and was greeted with a strange surprise: Gaara and Sasuke leaning against the stucco wall. With the squirrel leaning in Sasuke's mouth's wall. When all were loosely grouped, Sasuke snapped and announced, "Gurf muref ikl prf lay."

Gaara looked at him, sighed, and turned to the audience of ninjas now eating at the continental breakfast (or running in circles). HE stated, "What Uchiha means is that it would be good to go to the beach today." He got an evil grin predicting the mutilation eh would induce that day.

Sasuke glared at Gaara and shoved him. "Fweat fob fun fwaying fwuh."

"This is laying low, fool. They expect us to be hateful and domineering."

"Where have you been, Gaara-chan? Sasuke-kun?" asked Sakura.

"Around. Any objections to this?"

All agreed, excluding the obvious two oppositions: Neji's "bomb-proofed building in suit of armor" and Shikamaru's "stay at the condOW, INO!"

-BEACH, 10:04 A.M.…-

The whole crowd headed down to the water, except for a certain well-known one who had to be shoved, and another who decided to look at bugs. Naruto was forming a very stupid sandcastle with very stupid sand using a very stupid shovel when Hinata used all her courage to greet him. He instantly turned and responded, "Oh hey, Hinata-chan! Nice swimsuit!" Unfortunately, beyond his knowledge, he had put his hand on his very stupid sandcastle and had crushed it, causing him to spend the next twenty minutes crying and Hinata to wonder if her object of affection had a three-digit IQ.

-WITH GAARA, 11:01 A.M.…-

Gaara was walking along when suddenly a little child tugged on his pant leg and asked for him to help with a sand castle, holding up a shovel. Gaara smirked, took the shovel, scooped out the kid's eye, and turned the partially formed sandcastle into a mouth which engulfed any sign the kid was there. Just felt like pointing out that little anecdote.

-WITH SASUKE, 12:18 P.M.…-

…Runnin' in his clan trunks from hordes of girls…

-WITH NEJI, 2:03 P.M.…-

Much to Neji's dislike, Tenten's prophecy had come true. He was able to dodge the train, but he was left wondering what other things she said about the future were true—maybe it does take three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop! Not that he would involve himself with such silliness.

-MUCH LATER, WITH LEE, 7:18 P.M.…-

Lost. Lee had gone out just to swim in the pool in his Speedo (ew), and he was lost. Trees all around him, it seemed he would never escape. He let out a loud, high-pitched, rather girly squeal which caught the attention of his teammates. For a second they were concerned, or, well, cared, but when they realized he was wandering in a circle in a ten-tree grove, they went back to watching television/Tenten chasing Neji.

-THE NEXT DAY, 10:11 A.M.…-

Gaara and Sasuke woke with a start (well, Sasuke awoke, Gaara snapped out of watching the Seinfeld marathon) and got their gear, things from a small store on the beach. Their gear included two sets of grappling hooks, bungee cords, sunglasses, lighters, various non-flammable clothing, backpacks, refreshments, and Altoids-_Curiously strong_! They headed through the forest to the basin and started their lighters. It took two of their eight to properly start the fire, but once it began, it took a very short time for a giant flame to shoot up above the canopy. They rushed to its locations and shoved an outstretched rock below the hole from whilst the flame came, extinguishing it as the stone laid on a stone table below. Gaara smirked and commented, "This must be one of twelve holes that are unlocked by that pin."

He tossed the object to Sasuke, who leaned down, wiped the drool caused by the squirrel off the object, and placed the pin into the hole in its shape. He started rotating it in circles with his thumb and middle finger. Eventually he heard a satisfying snap. He pulled off the covering of the hole and he and Gaara slowly began descending the stairs. OF DEATH!

-FIREY PIT, 12:28 P.M.…-

…Still descending…

-BOTTOM OF STAIRS, 1:08 P.M.…-

Gaara was figuring out that there was a channel at the top of the labyrinth that carried the original flame they started while Sasuke was having a problem. The problem was a small fire started at the tip of the squirrel's tail, caused by the flames and intense heat in the area. As the flame neared Sasuke's face, he was shaking the living (or dead, I guess) crap out of Gaara, but no one other than Gaara continued to ignore him. Soon, Sasuke was spitting out ashes. He glared in silence, but eventually asked, "Where do you think we need to go next?"

"Again we are met with multiple options. Anything on that little gadget?" asked Gaara, looking at the three doors in front of them.

"It's back at the top."

The two kept giving "you do it" looks to each other, but eventually Sasuke caved.

-BOTTOM OF STAIRS, 7:24 P.M.…-

Sasuke came back to a very bored Gaara panting and sweating heavily. Between pants, he held out the object to Gaara. Gaara snatched it and examined. After a few minutes of looking, he stated, "The left door. The inscription on it matches the inscription on the pin."

The two shoved open the door and saw it—a stone bridge over a pit of fire. Sasuke recalled his Schoolhouse Rock and said that the island must have formed over the volcano. On the opposite side of the wide, open area was a small path in the wall of rock. They slowly walked on the brittle bridge and eventually reached the opposite side. The two crawled through the cramped little path, quite irritating for Gaara. After quite a while of claustrophobic frustration, they reached the room on the opposite side.

The room they finally entered was almost completely black. Sasuke used a fire technique to light the area, and in honor of the squirrel, it sort of worked. Not really. In the end, Gaara, whose eyes were always adapted, took hold of a torch and lit it with a lighter. He and Sasuke saw it at once and were ticked at the same time. Sitting on a pedestal in front of them was a… trinket. A strangely shaped stone object. The string of curses that followed was best left underground. They took it regardless and slowly headed to the nearby stairs. And tripped. And got back up. And ascended the stairs.

To be continued in Chapter 15,

"I'm Rick James, Beach!

Part 3, The Return"


	15. I'm Rick James, Beach! 3: The Return

To Fuebi: Looking back at my story, I have absolutely no idea why I added that confusing part, I have edited. But in fact, I don't even remember writing it. Must have been the cat that resides in my mind. Heh, that thing is always fighting the dog… Okay, I really haven't said anything less confusing, so… uh…

Chapter 15

**I'm Rick James, Beach!**

**Part 3, The Return**

After that trying adventure, Sasuke was more than happy to get some sleep, and Gaara was pretty much willing to catch the beginning of the 24 marathon. They didn't have long to do either, though, as Kakashi began knocking on all the ninjas' doors and calling for them to come to the lobby.

-CONDO LOBBY, 4:12 FM… ER, A.M.…-

No surprise, Kakashi was late, though he was heard walking to the lobby after waking them all. After quite a while of waiting in their pajamas, the ninjas finally saw Kakashi appear. Naruto gave him an irritated look and asked, "Lost on the road of life? Eating at Subway?"

"Actually, I went to the emergency room to save a young boy who had gone into trauma," responded Kakashi.

"A likely excuse!"

Suddenly a young couple walked up. The husband patted Kakashi on the shoulder and said, with tears welling up in his eyes, "Thank you, sir. Our son wouldn't be alive without you."

The couple walked off, and Kakashi gave Naruto a "told you" look. Sakura mumbled, "Why did you call us here so early, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Well, considering that we can no longer use the Ninja Bus™"-he bowed in its honor-"I have been forced to get plane tickets, and the only decent flight is leaving in… thirty minutes. I'd suggest you hurry."

"So you woke us up at dawn, made up wait here in the cold in our night clothes for over an hour, and now tell us we have to get packed and run to some airport in _thirty minutes_!" complained Ino.

"Ayup. Twenty-nine minutes now. You'd better hurry, little missy." With that, Kakashi pulled out his book and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

The students instantly dispersed. Well, Shik didn't do so instantly, but whatever.

-GAARA AND SASUKE'S CONDO, 4:16 A.M.…-

"That's my black shirt!"

"No, my black shirt!"

"No, mine!"

"Mine!"

-WITH NARUTO AND SHIKAMARU, 4:17 A.M.…-

"Um, you're packin' for yourself, Shik," stated Naruto.

"Come on, it's too troublesome. I'll give you twenty bucks," responded Shikamaru.

"That's what you said when you wanted me to carry you on my shoulders back from that D rank mission. I'm still waiting for that."

"I paid you back in wisdom."

"The last thing you told me was how troublesome _gum_ was."

"You just keep chewing! But whatever. When my genius dies out due to all this work, it'll be your fault."

-RELIGAI AIRPORT, 4:38 A.M.…-

Many ninjas were at the terminal on time. Gaara and Sasuke had teleported, but due to his extreme tiredness, Sasuke had ended up upside down in a trash can. After a while, he was able to remove his head from it, but the trash can would never be the same. Lee had run there (on his HANDS), Shino and Hinata had walked, and Neji and Tenten were in the hall. "You're running like a girl! Pick your legs up!" commanded Neji. Give you a cookie if you catch the reference in a review.

Those two arrived at a decent time, but the remaining for still weren't showing.

-DIRT ROAD, 4:40 A.M.…-

"Left!"

"Right!"

That was the argument at the fork. Eventually, Ino and Sakura started fighting and ended up falling right in front of the airport. They checked for their terminal on the large electronic board in the front. And, for clarification, they went there.

-AT THE TERMINAL, 4:45 A.M.…-

"DELAYED? DELAYED!" yelled Ino, who then proceeded to choke Kakashi, which ultimately led to her only choking a log and a very irritated and very dizzy Sakura.

"5… -beep-ing… 30!" asked Neji, utterly perturbed.

Sasuke sighed, though none could see it, and leaned against the wall, trying to get some sleep and look cool at the same time. Gaara, on the other hand, just shrugged and walked off to kill random people. Hinata could tolerate the injustice because she was sitting next to Naruto, and Shino was bored, with neither bugs nor hobos to grab his attention.

-BACK AT THE COFNDOS, 4:57 A.M.…-

Naruto and Shikamaru had just finished packing, and Naruto was ticked. "If you had just packed for me in the first place this wouldn't have happened," commented Shikamaru.

"You know, sometimes I think it would be better if Ino shared the condo with you," commented Shikamaru.

"You know, sometimes I think it would be better if Ino shared the condo with you," stated Naruto.

"You've been hanging around Jiraiya too long."

"Either way, we're late! Let's hurry!"

-RELIGAI AIRPORT, 5:08 A.M.…-

Naruto took Shikamaru off his shoulders and asked, "Where's my twenty?"

"I'll have it for you later," responded Shik.

"Okay."

Shikamaru smirked out of Naruto's view as they both headed to the terminal. Seeing the two, Ino smirked and stated, "You got lucky this time. Delayed till 5:30."

Naruto gave Kakashi his angry/constipated look and collapsed in a chair. Neji started walking off to the stores and restaurants, soon followed by some others, much to his dislike.

-STARBUCKS, 5:13 A.M.…-

Jackson Ripner walked up to Tenten and started talking to her. And got punched in the face, making him fall down dead. And _that_ is why she wasn't on Red Eye.

-UNNAMEED AIRPORT RESTAURANT, 5:23 a.m.…-

The group was looking quite disorderly now, some in still rumpled clothes, some sleeping face down in their food. They all awoke (or got ready in Gaara's case) when there was an announcement that it was time to board the flight. They all scrambled (or slowly walked) out of the restaurant, trampling various people (who were asking for it) and rushed to the retractable hallway. They picked up their stuff and jumped into their seats. Unfortunately, as first noted by Kakashi, Lee was missing.

-AIRPORT BATHROOM, 5:27 A.M.…-

Lee was hunched over in much pain in the bathroom, quite possibly making the air toxic. No other than poor Neji himself had to brave the restroom. After originally barely avoiding passing out, he knocked on the stall door and called, "Lee, hurry up. It's time to go."

"I don't know if I'm gonna make it, friend!" responded Lee.

"Okay."

Neji walked out whistling merrily, but the whistling stopped when he ran into Kakashi. The perverted jounin turned Neji around and tried to shove him back into the lavatory, but Neji stood fast. He turned to Kakashi and stated, "He said he couldn't make it. And it smells like –beep- in there."

Kakashi sighed, shoved Neji out of the way, made sure his mask was tight over his mouth, and entered the bathroom. He tapped on Lee's stall's door and called, "Lee, you need to come out."

"I-ugh-don't th-think I caaaan make-huh-it…" responded Lee. I will leave you to guess what caused this painful grunting.

"You can –beep- in the airplane bathroom. And, uh, do you want Gai to think you can't overcome your own intestines?"

"FOR GAI-SENSEI!"

"Lee, pull your pants up before you jump out of the stall." Kakashi whipped out his dirty book to clear his mind of that image.

The two walked out, and Kakashi gave Neji a "told you" look. They went back to the terminal to find that the retractable hall was, well, retracting. Neji used the secret Hyuuga technique Yosemite Sam No Jutsu to run on air, slam into the door, get knocked down, get back up, and get let in, Kakashi teleported, and Lee jumped at the plane hoping for the best, which he got. Neji took his ticket from Kakashi and started heading through the plane toward his seat. At one point he noticed Hinata, not long before he passed through the curtains to coach. Finally he took his seat between Tenten and a really fat, sweaty dude. He was overjoyed, of course. HE instantly sunk into his usual bad mood. Tenten turned to him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Neji glared and responded, "Well besides my usual displeasure of having to tolerate _you_ and the fact that I still have the Nazi flag burned on my chest, I also noticed Hinata in first class. _I'm _in coach. Just like the time…"

"Here it comes…"

-FLASHBACK-

Finally, a much younger Neji could have his day. It was the day of the Hyuuga clan visit to Disney Land. Neji was for once equal with the Main House, as they were both going together. Neji excitedly ran through the airport, halting right at the terminal to wait for his relatives to catch up. As soon as they appeared, he whipped out his ticket and headed to his seat in the plane. He saw his Main House relatives up until he moved to coach, where he saw the Branch House. He sat down and entered full angst mode, spending all of his time in the (arguably) happiest place on earth glaring at the tourists and killing costumed characters.

-END FLASHBACK-

"…next to a fat guy!" concluded Neji. "Wake up. This is why I don't like you."

A few rows behind the two, Sakura and Ino were having quite a bit of trouble. Unfortunately, the two weren't sitting together, and the man –coughpedophilecough- between them wouldn't switch places. So in the end, they were discussing the man's own demise right in front of him. "Just stab him with a kunai!" said Sakura, whose voice had returned.

Then how can we switch places with him?" responded Ino who, in case you couldn't figure out, got her voice back as well.

"I can switch you two."

"Please, you couldn't pick up a wet napkin with a crane, Forehead!"

"I think you mean I couldn't pick _you_ up with a crane, Ino pig!"

"Where's a mud pit when you need it?"

The man's last comment earned him a punch in the throat by the duo's mutual fist, snapping his neck. He collapsed in an undignified heap—not that you can collapse in a dignified hear when you horn in on people 25 years your lesser. As they heard an attendant walking down the hall with a cart, Ino quickly switched seats with the man and put her hand behind his head to make him appear conscious/alive (they didn't know!) by moving his head. The attendant walked up and looked at the three. She first asked the man, "Want anything to eat?"

Ino responded for the man, moving his mouth and throwing her most masculine voice, "No ma'am, I'm fine."

The attendant looked strangely at the man with the very fifteen-year-old female voice but shrugged it off. "Either of you want anything?"

"Some cereal would be nice," responded Sakura.

"No, cereal is lame."

Considering that was the beginning of yet another pointless argument ending in the cereal being thrown in their faces and the attendant storming off, let's check up on Neji. "Need anything?" asked the male attendant. For clarification, yes, this is a different attendant than the last. Hard to change genders in five minutes. Or so I have heard.

"A pillow and admittance to first class for a bit," responded Neji.

"The first I can do, the second I can't." HE gave Neji the pillow and went on.

After the attendants had left, Neji unbuckled his seatbelt and snuck into the aisle as the Pink Panther music began playing. Somehow. His intentions weren't as good as everyone's favorite feline (arguably—I prefer Tom), though. He skulked into first class and spotted Hinata. He pulled out the pillow as a malicious grin formed on his face (of all places!). Neji noted Hinata's sleeping state and lifted the pillow to the height of her head. Then, in one swift motion, he shoved the pillow on Hinata's face and started choking her. Fortunately, Naruto was very stupidly pouring very stupid pepper on his very stupid eggs and ended up very stupidly getting the very stupid pepper in Neji's very unfortunate eyes. Neji collapsed, pillow still in hand, and started rolling on the ground painfully. But thanks to his pimpin' Hyuuga skillz, he was able to roll to his row. Tenten immediately called, "Need help, Neji-chan!"

Neji gave the closest he could to a glare, which was basically a twitchy wince. He slowly stumbled to his seat and sat down. The fat dude next to him offered a hoagie, which he promptly swatted into the aisle. The fat guy wept over his now destroyed sandwich. Not really.

"So I says to the guy, 'Your alligator mouth is cashin' checks your hummingbird –beep- can't cash!'" babbled on the irritatingly garrulous man next to Shino. "Ya know?"

"…"

"Yeah! So he's stormin' out and I'm laughin' my –beep- off. I mean, this guy was MAD. Ha, y'know?"

"…" Shino was clutching the arms of his chair to soothe his growing irritation and the bugs took it into their hands… er, pincers… to go down the man's throat and kill him form the inside. They returned to Shino and he smiled. Possibly.

Meanwhile, Lee had finally stumbled out of the bathroom just as Naruto entered. He was immediately KO'd by the smell. Naruto was. Yet another scar for life on the board!

With Kakashi, he was desperately trying to read his book while a little kid was following along. Out loud. This led to Kakashi having to hunch into a little ball, not just to keep the contents hidden, but also to shield himself from the child's mother, who was beating him with her purse.

Sasuke had Gaara hunched down and was discussing his new, crazy theory. "Itachi is on this plane. We will unite to stop him!" he announced.

"For the LAST TIME, I don't give a –beep- about your brother! I just want my demon back from that Clay Freak," responded Gaara, glaring.

Sasuke wept. Not really.

-THREE OR FOUR HOURS LATER… OR SOMETHING… I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE, 9:28 A.M.…-

"Uh, there's, uh, some, uh, turbulence. Don't, uh, worry, we're, uh, approaching, uh, touchdown at, uh, Konoha Airportfrzrfflkak," stated the pilot, fizzling out at the end. No, he wasn't having a seizure.

The plane was a-rumblin' and a-rollin', and I have no idea why I'm a-talkin' this way. Neji was clutching the arms of his chair in fear, and somehow was blaming the whole thing on the Main House. "If I was in first class instead of that Main House scum, I would be scared –beep-less comfortably," reasoned Neji.

Naruto had finally revived and was sitting next to Hinata again. She decided to finally work up the courage and exclaim, "I'm sc-scared!" hoping for a hug or some such nonsense from Naruto.

"It's just wind! Don't' worry, silly!" responded Naruto.

Hinata sighed, sweatdropped, and put her face in her hands ALL AT ONCE. Not surprising considering how long she's known Naruto. Suddenly the pilot interrupted them, saying, "We, uh, are, uh, touching down, so, uh, please, uh, buckle your, uh, seatbeltsforfklm."

Suddenly the flight attendants appeared and attacked the passengers. But not really. They indicated how to buckle seatbelts in case some people on the plane accidentally confused their sleeping pills with their stupid pills. The plane touched down and the ninjas got out safely. As soon as the group got into the terminal, Kakashi got a call on his phone. His _cell_ phone. He spake, "Hello? …Okay… Oh my gosh! …We're right there!" He hung up the phone and turned to the group. "The Hokage's office is under attack. We have to hurry!"

They all rushed through the airport, even Shikamaru. Not really. Soon they were heading through lush grass. And lame grass as well. As the Hokage tower came into view, the group sped up even more (excluding… you know), and as they were reaching it, the ground gave way and they fell into a pitfall. It wasn't long before the other three jounins were looking down and laughing Neji was most displeased, as he was below Naruto and his at least five-day-old clothes. A bad trip that ended bad as well. Not not really.

To be continued in Chapter 16,

"Love Makes the World Go 'Round

(Or In a Roughly Elliptical Pattern)"


	16. Love Makes the World Go Round

Chapter 16

**Love Makes the World Go Round**

**(Or in a Roughly Elliptical Pattern)**

"Get out of my yard! Do _that_ on your own time!" yelled Gaara, killing two love birds (not _literal_ birds, people) on his very worst day of the year: Valentine's.

"They were doing… THAT in your yard?" asked Sakura, seeing the ending spectacle.

"Yeah, walking. The scum. Wait, why are you in my yard?" Gaara proceeded to shove Sakura into the road and off of his property.

-MEANWHILE, WITH SASUKE, 8:04 A.M.…-

Sasuke took one look at his overstuffed mailbox and went back into his house. He pulled out one of those SWAT team shields and a long pole with a hook at the end and headed back outside. He slowly put the hook at the top of the mailbox door, opened it, and hid behind the shield as a shower of Valentines flew out. When all were out, he looked in disdain at the mountain of paper and attempted to use a fire technique to burn it all. Of course, it dodged the pile completely and actually sought out water to put itself out. Of course this failed, so it just fizzled out. HE sighed and pulled out a match, proceeding to start a flame and burn the pile. Sasuke heard a high-pitched squeal and saw Asuma get a light from the heap of burning love.

-BACK WITH GAARA, 8:15 A.M.…-

Sakura had finally left Gaara, and he was quite happy. He headed to his mailbox to see what he could see, to see what he could see. In it he found… A BOMB. Not really. He actually found two Valentines. One, of course, was from Sakura, but the other was from a secret admirer. He promptly trashed the former, but he gave the latter a closer look. He instantly decided to hunt them down and kill them for wasting space in his mailbox that could otherwise be used for… something. Right when he was pocketing the letter, someone ran into him. He looked at the cause and saw a blonde haired girl with shining hair, bright blue eyes, and a flowing dress. She said in a pleasant voice, "Sorry!"

Gaara glared at the person and both he and Sakura (out of NOWHERE, WOW) punched her face in (no, not just hit, her brain fell out). After the initial irritation that someone new had assisted in his actions, he stated, "I HATE original characters."

"Good for reviews, though," commented Sakura.

Gaara glanced at her and… again shoved her off his lawn.

-MEANWHILE, WITH SHIKAMARU, 8:27 A.M.…-

Shik was entertaining himself with the four hanging metal balls with the outside ones bouncing back and forth when suddenly Ino burst through the Nara doors. She put her hands on the table the little object was placed on with such force that it was sent flying into the trash can. Shikamaru frowned and asked, "What do you need…?"

"Where is my Valentine? I sent you yours, Chouji sent me his, but I have nothing from you! Did you not get mine?"

Shik looked at the letter in the trash can and hoped she didn't see it. "So troublesome… Give me a second." He went into his room and came back with a card that originally said, "Happy Birthday, Shikamaru," but had "Birthday" and "Shikamaru" crossed out with a Sharpie and "Valentine's" and "Ino" to their sides. "Here."

Ino looked at it and glared. "This is the card I sent you!"

"Aren't you glad I kept it?"

She nodded and left nonchalantly, leaving our genius completely perplexed. Well, maybe like 94.

-HYUUGA MAIN HOUSE, 8:40 A.M.…-

Hiashi woke up and headed out to find a package at his door. He picked it up to realize it was from Neji. He immediately held it to his ear to check for ticking but heard nothing. He shook it lightly to see if maybe it had some canister of poison or a knife perhaps, but decided it wasn't dangerous. He was still considering opening it, but since it was for Hinata, he decided not to do so… again.

-FLASHBACK-

It was Christmas, and Kiba had sent Hinata a present. Being the overprotective father he was, Hiashi had to inspect if first. He opened it outside, and the very canine contents jumped out and ran off. He weakly covered by saying that Kiba sent her a box for Christmas.

-END FLASHBACK-

Hiashi only used Byakugan to check the contents and was satisfied.

-BACK WITH GAARA, 9:04 A.M.…-

Gaara was still analyzing the letter to try and recognize the writer, but couldn't. He eventually decided to contact the expert on love letters. He teleported right behind Sasuke and began breathing on the back of his neck and making Sasuke's hair stand on end (well, more than usual). He then stated, "Uchiha, I need your help."

"Do you always have to greet me like that?" asked Uchiha.

"No, but I do it anyway. Now are you going to help me or not?"

"Fine…"

"Okay. Now you see, there is a secret admirer who I want to hunt down and kill. So if you can match this with someone's handwriting, it would be nice." Gaara handed Sasuke the letter.

Sasuke examined it and commented, "Well, it was definitely written by an old person." Sasuke shivered at the memory of that seventy year old that wrote him a love letter.

"Okay… Any other advice?"

"Yeah. Go –beep- yourself."

"…That was… random…"

-WITH… NEJI? 9:26 A.M.…-

He had finally come up with the perfect plan to pull the Main House off its high horse. Or house. Respectively. He had used Henge No Jutsu to transform into a box of chocolates and was waiting in the box. He had overheard that Hinata was away, but he figured he could wait. Unfortunately, Neji was very quickly realizing that life as a box of chocolates had its down side. Wow, never though I'd be saying that.

-WITH LEE AND NARUTO, 9:50 A.M.…-

The duo was racing to Sakura's house, and due to Lee's currently surprisingly slow speed (Gai went a bit overboard on the weights), they were dead even. Naruto got ahead of Lee, and Lee subconsciously sped up, shoving Naruto out of the way. FO course, what Lee thought was a light shove did in fact send Naruto flying through a shop window. Naruto luckily landed on a bed, which cushioned him. Lee skidded to a halt and jumped through the jinchuuriki-sized hole in the wall, proceeding to rush up to Naruto and yell, "Valued ally, I have abused you! Do you request assistances?"

Naruto stumbled to his feet and nodded. Lee gave a "good guy" pose and jumped back out of the window. He continued rushing toward Sakura's house, but by some sort of karma, he got trampled by a horde of people. Actually, it wasn't karma, but was actually a horde of girls chasing Sasuke. Naruto caught the last of this and got an evil(ish—as much as a hero can get) grin. He began running toward Sakura's house, but by some sort of stupidity ran into a light post. Sakura, meanwhile, walked past both without a glance, probably looking for Gaara.

-HYUUGA MAIN HOUSE, 10:12 A.M.…-

"Hanabi, I want you to see if Neji is at his home," commanded Hiashi.

"Yes father…" muttered Hanabi. Awesome. I SO worked in an obscure character.

She walked to the Branch House, which wasn't as nice as the Main House, and headed to Neji's room, which wasn't as nice as Hinata's room. She saw a lump under the covers which she assumed was Neji, but pulled the covers down to reveal it was actually a pile of pillows. She screamed in fear and ran back to her father. She immediately yelled to Hiashi, "Oh no! Evil ninjas turned Neji-san into a pile of pillows in his sleep!"

"That isn't Neji," stated Hiashi, sighing.

"So the evil ninjas kidnapped Neji, made a bunshin of him, and turned the bunshin into pillows in the bed?"

"No, Neji just-never mind… We can tell which daughter got the brains in the family…"

-TORTURE BUILDING… :(… 11:15 A.M.…-

Gaara had come to the conclusion that Ibiki obviously knew something about getting information (for some reason) and decided to contact him. What he saw, though, made him unsure. When he walked into Ibiki's office (without knocking—he's too cool for knocking), he saw the torture master… river dancing. He looked at the bald man strangely. When Ibiki noticed Gaara, he instantly stopped and stuttered, "I was… uh… torturing someone. With the dancing. And all. Er, uh, yeah."

"You keep telling yourself that…" responded Gaara, walking back out.

"WHY MUST EVERYONE LEAVE ME! I AM NOT A MONSTER!" yelled Ibiki, weeping. Not really. He actually just chased after Gaara and asked what he needed.

"Well, I would really like to kill-er, FIND-a secret admirer."

"Ah, you cannot rush love."

"Wha-I don't love this person! I want to _kill_ them."

"You know, you really aren't helping your case."

"But they kill… uh… puppies…?"

Ibiki suddenly wept the tears you would expect of Gai or Lee (but, I mean, you don't have to) and cried, "Of course I will help you!"

He snatched the letter and ran off purposefully. Leaving behind a very confused Gaara. Well not really, 'cause he's too _cool_ for confusion.

-PAVILION, 12:08 P.M.…-

The jounins had called all of the ninjas to eat, and of course Neji wasn't there. Not that anyone was particularly sad, except, well, you should know by now. Gai asked, er, yelled, "LEE WHERE IS YOUR NOT SO YOUTHFUL COMRADE?"

"I DO NOT KNOW! I HAVE FAILED YOU!"

"IT IS OKAY! NEJI IS VERY PRODIGAL!"

"GAI SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

They hugged in front of a beautiful sunset. Until the sun exploded. Because it was a bomb. Found in the prop behind them, which promptly exploded as well. Poor plywood. Not really. "Why are you keeping me stationary?" asked Sasuke, hiding under a table.

"THIS IS NO TIME TO DISCUSS PAPER! YOU MUST STATE HOW YOU HAVE SPREAD MERRIMENT ON THIS JOYOUS DAY!" YELLED GAI! I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I'M STILL YELLING, BUT I AM ENJOYING MYSELF! PROBABLY BECAUSE I'M NOT ACTUALLY YELLING! I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE TURNING CAPS LOCK OFF! EAT THAT!

"…I haven't killed anyone?"

"THAT DOES NOT COUNT!"

"I… got Asuma a light?"

"Now that was good…" muttered named future lung cancer victim.

"LEE!"

"I HAVE GIVEN MY LOVE A PRESENT, AS DID NARUTO-KUN!"

"EXCELLENT! SHINO!"

"…"

"YES?"

"…"

Gai was all like:(. "Well, we also need to tell you about the Valentine's dance. I expect you all to be there," stated a dramatically less spastic and very much more (Gai-defined) cool Kakashi.

"…"

-IBIKI'S UN-FUN CHAMBER… THING, 12:45 P.M.…-

Gaara walked in and asked Konoha's very own Scarface (no, sadly not the REAL Scarface, Ibiki) what he had found. Ibiki told him that the person was in the city. He couldn't find an exact location, but gave a great hint that I don't feel like saying. Psha.

-WITH THE HYUUGOLATE BOX™, 1:08 P.M.…-

Neji's charka was draining. Holding up Henge that long AND hiding your chakra AND needing to use the bathroom can cause that. But his GENIUS plan could not fail! Surely Hinata would have to come back soon! If only chocolate boxes could use the bathroom… Wow, never thought I'd be saying that. Even though I didn't _technically_ say it.

-AKATSUKI HEADQUARTERS, 1:20 P.M.…-

"…" said Sasori. Because he's like, dead… and stuff.

"Why did you put hearts up all over the evil lair… of… evil? Firstly, we're _evil_, and more so, we're all guys! Except, maybe, Deidara," commented Itachi.

"Why must you torment me?" whined Deidara.

"Because you're androgynous."

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are."

"Sasori is dead, and you're making me even more miserable!"

"Go cut yourself, emo phag."

The two proceeded to go into a very un-Akatsuki-like cat fight, and the leader could not do a thing. Because really, a shadow with eyes can't stop a cat fight. Let alone an EVIL cat fight. Between guys—well, possibly between two guys.

"…" said Sasori, who was still as dead as ever.

-OROCHIMARU'S LAIR, 1:48 P.M.…-

Kabuto had worked all day, and was finally seeing the fruits of his labor (no, not the Grapes of Wrath). In his smooth-skinned hands was a frilly pink heart, which he was saving for someone very special. VERY special. Slowly, Orochimaru walked, er, slithered, er, did something that propelled him into the room Kabuto was in. Kabuto rushed up to him and held out the card. Our favorite (infrequently) snake freak swatted it away and stated, "Back off. What, do you think I'm gay… for you? No, I'm gay for… _Sasuke-kun_… Kekeke…"

Kabuto sighed and threw away the card, which flew into a random living/revived Sound nin/traitor's eye, causing a very blood paper cut. Whatever.

-SAKURA'S HOUSE, 2:50 P.M.…-

The duo of fool children had chased Sakura all the way to her house, but had luckily been locked out. Well, not lucky for them, but they're fool children so it doesn't matter. Sakura was in her upstairs room and had disappeared from their sight. When she reappeared, she appeared to be holding something. Because there is a heavy distinction between holding nothing and something… often. She slid open her window and sent a bucket full of cold water plummeting onto Lee's head. This would not bring him down, as he called up, "You know, in some native tribes, a woman pouring water on a man designates him for a husband." This is actually true, by the way. Okay, well actually it isn't, I made it up. It sounded true, though, so whatever. That's what counts.

-WITH GAARA, 4:15 P.M.…-

Gaara was in master of stealth mode, and in case you need an emoticon to explain it, here it is: '. Many an old lady had died or broke her hip (or both) from his popping in front of them from his perch in a tree. And to a lesser extent, his lack of eyebrows. Now he _assumed_ they weren't his target, but who knows? He had a vague image from Ibiki, but not much. So he eventually gave up and took up his hobby. No, not killing, knitting. He alternates the two throughout the week.

-HYUUGA MAIN HOUSE, 5:58 P.M.…-

Neji was reaching critical low in chakra, and his nerves were high. He had finally decided that as soon as he was out of Hiashi's sight, he would de…transform. Then he would wait for Hinata. It took a while, but he was finally able to de…transform. He hid in the corner next to the door. Just as someone opened the door and squished him against the wall. It was none other than Hanabi, searching for him. He slumped down and she rushed over to him. "Neji-san! What have the evil ninjas done to you!" she yelled.

"What the –beep- are you talking about?" asked Neji.

"You were kidnapped and replaced with pillows!"

"No. I was going to ki-er, yeah."

"Oh, what did they do!"

"That's none of your business."

"You must be one of them, treating me like that! Where is he!"

Neji just sighed and Gentle Fisted the fool child, sending her flying. "You know, I think I am going to try to kill her too. Just for being stupid. I really need to stop thinking out loud."

-NEJI'S INFERIOR LIVING SPACE, 6:20 P.M.…-

Neji was moping over his failure, seeing Hinata come home just as he left. Suddenly, Lee shoved open Neji's door and yelled, "Youthful comrade! Rush to the social event!"

Neji glared and commanded, "Go away. You're tracking stupid all over the carpet."

"You're hurtful, Neji! But it will be pleasant!"

Then Lee flew off into the sky. Not really.

-AUDITORIUM, 7:08 P.M.…-

Everyone was dancing with the one they loved. Not really, but they were THINKING about it, and that's what counts. Not really. Neji and Gaara alone were not present. And no, they were not absent together, don't go there. Assuming you did. If you didn't, I commend you. Again, there was double punch spike-age (I made that word up) thanks to Kiba and Naruto, and Chouji had gotten royally wasted. Whatever.

-NONDESCRIPT TREE, 7:46 P.M.…-

Gaara popped up in front of a random old lady, who had a heart attack. He glanced back and forth at the lady and the rough sketch he had received from Ibiki and saw the connection. Then he realized it was his great aunt. He would have felt bad about killing her if he wasn't, well, him. He just shrugged and figured it was a nice gesture, and thus he felt even less regretful of his actions. If that was possible.

To be continued in Chapter 17,

"Putting the 'Fun' in Funeral"

Happy Pi Day, everyone. Except for some of you. And you know who you are, and I hope you're ASHAMED.


	17. Putting the Fun in Funeral

Chapter 17

**Putting the "Fun" in Funeral**

Gaara sighed. _Apparently_, this village expected him to honor the dead, and he was expected to plan the funeral. After the first hour of No's and the second hour of threats, Gaara had sufficiently planned a most devious plan. But he DIDN'T think it up quick. OH, he had some sick offense in his mind. He planned to scare all those attending –beep-less. But not literally.

-FUNERAL HOME, 8:06 A.M.…-

"Come in, Gaara-san!" said an overly pleasant person for his line of work. NO doubt, Gaara was how he got his paycheck.

"Don't touch me," Gaara responded, glaring.

"Well, let's get down to business. But first, can I have your autograph?"

"No."

The preparer of the dead (Wow, I didn't think "preparer" was a word. Wow. Just, wow) was visibly crestfallen. His CREST had FALLEN. Not really. "Well, what are you thinking of getting?"

"Pine box."

"Oh no, no, no, nothing but the best for you!"

"Scam artist."

"No! Between you and me, I can get you a bargain. If you will follow me…"

The newly revealed coffin salesman led Gaara to Kokomo—you get there fast and then you take it slow… but actually they went below the foyer into the basement coffin… torium. Or whatever you call the place where you sell coffins. He first showed Gaara a mahogany coffin loaded with silk cushioning. "What is with the cushioning? The occupant is dead," stated Gaara.

"Well wouldn't you want your friends and family to think that the body is peaceful?"

"I have no friends. One family member is in jail, or somewhere, and the other isn't my friend. As previously stated."

"Okay, now you're just being contrary."

"No I'm not."

"Yeah… Well, what about looking at a themed coffin?"

"I don't have anything better to do…"

The man led Gaara to many various themed coffins (as previously stated)—Coke bottles, DIET Coke bottles, alligators, etc. "Anything look good?"

"What is the cheapest one?"

"Our worst seller, this one of a pirate. Our best seller is a ninja."

"That works."

"That'll be… a hundred dollars."

Gaara of course wouldn't pay such an amount and killed the dude. He proceeded to run off with the coffin. So it really wasn't running, it was more like hobbling and cursing occasionally due to the weight of it. Unfortunately, he went up the wrong stairs and into a funeral ceremony. Once he entered the area, he tripped and knocked the coffin with an occupant down with his. IN the commotion, he accidentally picked up the wrong coffin. He ran out of the room, bashing many confused and intensely weeping people in the face. He stumbled again, and the significantly more dead of the two flew out of its final home… and right in front of a horde of people rushing to work. Seeing the now mangled corpse, Gaara cursed, ran back into the funeral home, and took the right coffin, walking like nothing happened off to show the rest the coffin—as a statement, NOT for approval.

-THE REST, 8:40 A.M.…-

"Here's your stupid coffin. What stupid thing must I do now?" asked Gaara, tired and irritated. "I don't think that the last funeral home will work."

"…A PIRATE coffin?" asked Kakashi, whose idea it was for Gaara to plan the funeral.

"Respect the expired!"

"Shut up, Lee."

"You're hurtful, Neji!"

"What must be done…?" asked Gaara.

"Well, you need to contact the friends and family," responded Kakashi.

"The old hag is dead. How can I find her friends?"

"Talk to the family."

"…What was your name again?" Gaara turned to his sister.

"Temari? The sister I've maintained to be for just about… ever?" she stated. In a QUESTION.

"Don't get smart with me… uh…"

"Temari."

"Yeah. Do you know the old bat?"

"No."

"There you have it."

"Well you still need to make preparations for us. We are all attending," stated Kakashi, waving to the group.

"Everyone was like, "No," except for Lee who was like, "YOSH," and Shino, who was all like, "…"

Kakashi sighed. "There will be refreshments."

Everyone was like, "Yes," except for Shino, who was all like, "…"

-SOME STUPID CATERER… PLACE, 9:38 P.M.…-

Gaara slowly walked into Some Stupid Caterer Place and looked (glared) at the man behind the counter. "Hi, how can I help you?" asked the man behind the counter, smiling at the glaring boy. Not really. He was actually attempting to avoid crapping his pants.

"Funeral catering," stated Gaara. His eyes were starting to hurt…

"Oh, we don't do that."

"No, you DO do that."

"Heh, doo-doo." The man stared laughing.

Gaara glared (or rather maintained his expression), killed the dude, and stormed off. Kakashi, waiting outside, sighed. "Another one?" he asked.

"I really should stop saying do do," he responded.

"Anyways, why don't you look in the phone book?"

Gaara glared (again), got a headache from it, and headed off.

-GAARA'S MANSION… OF DOOM! 9:56 A.M.…-

Gaara pulled out his phone book… of doom. Well _actually_, it was the phone book of relentless torture, but whatever. He searched and searched and finally found a funeral caterer. He headed out through the doors… of doom. Or rather, the doors of eternal peril.

-WONDERFUL TASTES FOR FUNERALS, A.K.A. WTF, 10:18 P.M.…-

"…What do you want?" asked the grim man behind the counter.

"Funeral catering," repeated Gaara. Though it was the first time for the dude. Whatever.

"…I don't want to give you such."

"You really don't have a choice… fool."

"Actually I do… fool. Next?"

Gaara glared. This fool dare back-sass him? Yes, he did. Why do I even ask… Gaara shot out sand at the poser, and he got what he wished (not a trip to Disneyworld, sadly). Being an experienced psychopathic killer, he had a natural bargaining advantage. He walked outside to Kakashi and asked, "What must I do now…?"

"You still need to find a funeral home," responded the jounin. Who was SO lower than former Kazekage.

Gaara sighed and headed to the nearest place he found. Before he left, though, he stated in a serious voice, "Stop following me. It's really gay."

He entered into a majestic funeral home and walked up to someone he assumed was renting out the place. Made clear by the two customers. Unfortunately, their single funeral became a triple. Gaara looked at the shocked man (the living one) and asked, "May I have this place?"

"Will you give it back?" the man asked, chuckling. He was alone in this action.

"No. Give me the paper to sign for it."

"Sure. That will be $2,000."

Gaara was like, "No," and the dude was all like, "AH! I'M BEING CRUSHED TO DEATH BY SAND!" Gaara walked outside to see Gai. But it was actually Kakashi. "Now, start putting things up. The funeral is tomorrow," stated Kakashi.

"I will need assistance. If I compile a list, will you get the other ninjas to search the items out?"

"No."

"I hate you." Gaara walked off. And tripped. And got back up. And left.

-WAL-KAMARSTCO USA, THE GENERIC SUPERSTORE, 11:03 A.M.…-

Gaara had still compiled a list (on _stationary_). First he would go here, then next door to Party City. Which isn't actually a city. Hypocritical scum bags. He headed to the… west. And realized this place had nothing he needed. He cursed, flicked off a random employee, and headed through the automatic doors. Which weren't actually automatic. SO it was really more like him slamming into the door, falling down, getting back up, fixing his shield, and opening the door. He headed into the Party City, which was STILL not a city.

He headed into the very convenient Prank Funeral section. He picked up the first item he needed: springs. Next, he got some flowers, chairs, a projector, a –beep-load more of springs and… ketchup. The whole job took about an hour; sixty minutes in the metric system.

-FUNERAL HOME, 12:16 P.M.…-

Gaara walked in to find a very displeasing sight: all of the ninjas, ready (or forced) to work. "No," Gaara stated simply.

"I decided to lend you a hand," responded Kakashi, his book in a plastic sleeve to protect it from the paint all around.

"No."

"Come on, you need help."

"I can do it myself. I will contact you if I need help."

"No-kay!" Kakashi changed his mind when sand shot up.

The group left, all crestfallen. Except for pretty much everyone. Gaara was glad—this meant that he could set up his evil plot in secret. He first set up the coffin. He set it on a podium, surrounded it with flowers, and began setting up the seats, thanks to the five sand bunshins he formed.

-GRAVEYARD, 2:30 P.M.…-

Gaara picked out a worthy lot (as opposed to one of those darn infidel lots) and set up a tent. A _worthy_ tent. It was quickly growing to be time. No, not the time when pirates fight ninjas, when the funeral would take place. But ninjas and pirates were probably fighting _somewhere_.

-THE NEXT DAY, 10:16 A.M.…-

All of the ninjas were dressed in black, and some were… "Back in Black." Currently, everyone was seated in their consecutive seats, including Gaara, leaving no one in the hosting spot. Well, podium. Kakashi nudged Gaara, as he was sitting next to him, which Gaara ignored. The nudging became more frequent, until Gaara moved a seat over from the jounin. Finally, Kakashi sighed and asked, "Gaara, don't you need to get up there?"

"No."

"Come on, just get it over with so we can get on with our day."

"Fine."

Gaara slowly headed up to the podium and began, "Uh, thanks for breathing my air… fools. Now, this is the funeral for… some… dead –beep-. She was, uh, old. And now she's dead. That's about it for my eulogy. Give her some flowers… I guess."

Lee was crying a river (not literally) for the lady as the group all lined up, flowers in hand, excluding Gaara, who said he needed to use the bathroom. In reality, he was going to control all his pranks from the stall. The first in line was Shino—nothing Gaara could do to him. As they all went through the line, Gaara waited for his chance. Finally, the group was all pretty well surrounding the coffin, and Gaara decided it was time. No, _still_ not the pirates fight ninjas. He pressed a button on the small control panel in his lap and he saw on a small television the corpse fly up in the coffin. The girls screamed, the boys backed up (or screamed, respectively), and Neji, looking the former and being the latter, tripped on his feet and crashed his head on the seat of a collapsible chair, causing it to close on him. He stood up and pulled the chair off in time to see the lights go out and the row of wreaths fly in the air and catch on fire upon landing (simulated by the projector Gaara purchased/stole). Lee spasmodically (as usual) hit the fire alarm, causing the sprinklers to go off on all of them. Gaara was barely able to suppress laughter, but it was easier to avoid when the sprinklers activated over him. He formed a sand barrier and headed outside, forming a façade of surprise. "What the –beep-?" he asked, in his most provocative (yet common) role yet.

"It was so horrible, Gaara-chan! Zombies, flames, darkness!" exclaimed Sakura, hugging him. And soon ending up flying to a wall. Or somewhere.

"Er, okay, well let's just get to the freaking burial."

So they went to the freaking burial. Naruto, Sasuke, Lee, and Neji were pallbearers. The walk to the grave began well-all cooperating. Naruto was in front of Sasuke on the left, and Lee in front of Neji on the opposite side (right, in case you are confused). Unfortunately, the equilibrium was disrupted by Naruto calling, "Sasuke, speed up, you're holding me back!"

"I'M holding YOU back, dobe? I believe you are confusing the two of us," Sasuke responded snidely (of course).

"I can feel tangible lag!"

After Sasuke's initial amazement by Naruto's grammar, he shot back, "Congratulations, on the language arts, let's move to math."

Naruto glared and started rushing forward, Sasuke easily surpassing his speed. ON the other side, Lee turned back to Neji and challenged, "Youthful comrade! Utilize your swiftness, lest you fail!"

So Lee sped up as well. Due to the fact that the two fastest competitors (Sasuke and Lee) were diagonal to each other, the coffin was soon lopsided, Naruto at the front point. The body had soon flow out of its final bed, and Naruto had soon lost his position and slid off the coffin and right onto the cadaver, their lips touching. Naruto screamed and rolled off the body. Let's add another scar for life to the big board! Neji, who had previously been able to keep up with the other pallbearers, eventually lost his grip and flew into Tenten's arms. He was just like, "No," and watched the two remaining boys rush off at a far distance.

Neither seemed to notice the removals, nor did they even realize that they had flown past the grave site. They only stopped upon Lee's encounter with a tree. Lee fell, and by the time he got back up, their brains took over again. They both sheepishly returned to the group. Well, Lee did, Sasuke was too _cool_ for sheepishness. After the corpse was safely back in its coffin (even though safety isn't necessary for the dead, if you think about it) and was transported to the grave, the ceremony could begin. Gaara stood up on a podium near the edge of the group's tent's cover and announced while glaring, "Let's get his over with so you can eat and leave me be."

With that, Gaara placed his foot on the side of the coffin and used it to shove the coffin into the grave. After plenty of clunking, it settled at the bottom of the hole. Gaara returned the microphone to its post and took them both off of the podium he was on with him. He heard a clank of chairs and reflexively turned, accidentally swinging the post the opposite way. In its path was none other than the Hyuuga prodigy's (or Hyuuga jerk's, whichever) head. Neji (who is the Hyuuga prodigy/jerk, if you weren't paying attention) flew back, and right into the grave. Nobody seemed to notice, and he wasn't conscious enough to get their attention. Slowly but surely, Lee and Sasuke began burying the coffin, and Neji as well (if you weren't' paying attention, which you should be. I mean, you're reading this, show some friggin' respect).

IN the more living plane, it was much better. All were mingling over great food, except for the obvious people were either too cool, too evil, or too buried to do so. Of course, no one seemed to notice the absence of the Hyuuga. After a long and fun (or un-fun, depending on the person) celebration… of death, everyone dispersed, except for… you know.

-CEMETERY, TWO HOURS LATER, 3:16 P.M.…-

Still there, still unnoticed.

-CEMETERY, FIVE HOURS LATER, 8:50 P.M.…-

Nope, still nothing. Ignore the double negative.

-CANADA, 8:56 P.M.…-

This scene change was purposeless. One second…

-CEMETERY, EIGHT HOURS LATER, 4:51 A.M.…-

…Thaaat's better. Neji finally realized that his friends don't know what they've got when it's gone (sorry Poison) and decided to use Gentle Fist to dig himself to safety. He started slamming upward, and finally emerged. Yes, emerged his head right into the bottom of the podium, KO'ing him. Ah well, it was funny.

Well children, we've had lots of fun with cadavers today, but I want to make this point clear: corpses aren't funny. They're smelly. And usually old. And let's face it, old people aren't funny.

To be continued in Chapter 18,

"Old People Aren't Funny"

If you are easily offended, please don't read this chapter. Hm, maybe I should have put this at the beginning. Whatever.


	18. Old People Aren't Funny

Chapter 18

**Old People Aren't Funny**

Finally, Neji joined with the rest, swearing revenge. But not out loud—he still had dirt in his mouth. At least he had his nitrogen fixated. Every cloud has its silver lining, or rather its nitrogen… lining. Currently, the young ninjas were standing in front of Kakashi, having been called beforehand and actually attending. Just because. Kakashi began, "It has come to my attention that you have no respect for old people—"

"I respect old people! I'm always nice to Tsunade!"

And thus, thanks to the Hokage, Naruto got a nice, red fist tattoo on his face. Kakashi continued, "Er anyways, the point is that you need to get in touch with your elders, so you are going to a nursing home and are each going to be assigned an old person."

"Blasphemy!"

"Shut up, Neji."

"Shut up, Lee."

"Shut up, Neji."

"Shut up, Gaa—never mind. Don't hurt me…"

"Shut up—"

-AKATSUKI HQ, 9:15 A.M.…-

"Shut up, Deidara."

"Shut up, Kisame."

".."

"Shut up, Sasori."

"Shut up, Ita—never mind. Don't hurt me…"

-BACK IN KONOHA, 9:20 A.M.…-

"If you are all quite done, here are you—"

"I am _not_ quite done," stated Gaara, interrupting Kakashi.

"Yes?"

"…You're a –beep-."

"Okay."

"And I'm going to kill you."

"I know. I've accepted it."

"…That is all."

They all took their sheets listing their old people and sped off. Except Shik. But that's beside the point.

-OLD FOLKS' HOME, 9:38 A.M.…-

Gaara glared. He had just been stuck with the MOST boring old lady ever. Ever. …Ever. She just kept RAMBLING and RAMBLING and BEING OLD. Worst of all, she was a Haruno. "…My granddaughter really likes you, you know," she stated.

"Oh, I know. I KNOW," he responded, barely avoiding killing the woman already, because he knew there would be some new –beep- to do if he did what he wanted.

"You two should really get together. She's a very nice girl."

"Well you can just go f—"

"—uck of the Irish! I must have the luck of the Irish! _I lucked out_!" exclaimed Naruto, referring to his assigned old man. "An actual pirate!"

Sasuke, nearby, sighed. "Dobe, let me explain this to you. Slowly. You see, when people get really old, their mind starts to… go. This makes them imagine things. Like thinking they're a pirate. It's called _senility_."

Naruto stared for a long time, but finally mumbled, "…You're just jealous because your old person is lame."

Sasuke shrugged and muttered back, "Partially." He looked at the old man drooling in his sleep in a recliner.

Neji was bored. His old person really wasn't doing much. Finally he sighed and asked, "Do you want to play ping pong?"

The old man nodded and responded, "You're goin' down, little man."

Neji glared as they slowly headed to opposite sides of the table. Being his usual jerk self, Neji underestimated the old man. When the paddles were up, Neji bounced the white ball (get your mind out of the gutter) lightly to the other side. The old guy, however, swatted it back hard. Neji was surprised, but hit it back with equal force. The man kicked it up another notch (not literally, considering the surprising lack of notches), and Neji countered ever better. Soon, they were hitting the ball back and forth so fast it was just a white stripe. Unfortunately, Neji couldn't keep up, and the ball flew right hinto his eye. After much struggling, Neji was able to dislodge the ball, but his vision was still impaired. Oh well, at least he didn't have to waorry about his nitrogen. "How did you get so good?" Neji asked, one eye closed. The _injured_ one.

"I have a lot of time on my hands," the guy responded, pulling up the sleeve of his sweater vest to reveal ripped muscles.

Neji would have smirked at his worthy opponent if he wasn't too busy wincing. Meanwhile, Lee was the antagonist of his duo. He got stuck with quite possibly the deadest (what the crap, that's an actual word) non-dead person on the planet. So Lee was bouncing off the walls (literally) of the old man's room while the man sat in his bed. "Hey mister, what's it like to be old?" asked Lee, except quite fast.

"What?" asked the old dude in response. ASKED. In RESPONSE.

"WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE BEYOND THE WELLSPRING OF YOUTH?!"

"…What?"

Lee wept a river (literally but not literally) and walked off in utter despair. Meanwhile, Ino was having some problems of her own. If Jiraiya's personality could be represented by variable _x_, this dude was a pervert. I just felt like working some algebra in. Love it or leave it, G. "Hi little girl, wanna sit in my lap?" the sick old man asked.

Ino, who had been turned away from him arranging flowers, turned and give him a look scarier than anything Shik or Chouji had ever seen. She turned fully around and balled her hands into fists. Oh yeah, she was mad. The stupid geezer would have a significantly more crushed skull of Kakashi hadn't popped his head into the room and called, "Ino, don't abuse the old people."

Ino started, "But—" but was utterly ignored by the jounin. She settled for putting cyanide in his… uh… old people food. Whatever they eat. Like… okra and –beep-.

Shino had lucked out. His guy was long dead. He chose to have social hour with his bugs. Unfortunately, there was a complication—Kakashi. He had to be reassigned to another old person. And he would have gotten aweay with it, too, if it wasn't for that meddling jounin and his mask!

Kakashi led Shino to where Sasuke and Naruto were and pointed out Naruto's old guy. Shino sighed and walked over to the guy because he's a minor character. Naruto gave Kakashi his confused/constipated face and asked, "What do I do now?"

"Don't worry, I have a replacement," responded Kakashi.

Suddenly, Jiraiya entered the room. Naruto maintained his position (jeesh, maybe that boy does need a bathroom break) and asked, "what are you doing here, Ero-sennin?"

"Well, after a hard day of being brutalized by Tsunade for 'researching', it's nice to go somewhere where everybody knows your named," responded the acclaimed writer, covered in bruises.

"Who're you?" asked a man with a major humpback, gigantic tortoise-shell glasses, and a walker. Haha, who're. See, it looks like… yeah. Heh.

"Jiraiya."

"Oh.

"…Who're you?"

"Erm, yeah. They probably all knew my name at _some _point."

"But I want the last guy! He is an actual pirate!" exclaimed Naruto.

Jiraiya sighed. "Naruto. You see, when people get really old, their mind starts to… g—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sasuke told me that story too. You're just jealous."

"…Why?"

"…Because. Just because."

"…"

"…"

"Well, while you're racking your brain over that, I'm going to be catching up on my research. If you wanna stick here in Squaresville, be my guest…"

Naruto whimpered, "…I don't want to be stuck in Squaresville!"

So the two walked off into the sunset almost like father and son, interrupted only by Jiraiya's sudden command of, "Hey kid, bugger off!" and… the fact that it was only 10:35 a.m., making the sunset just plain ridiculous!

Oh, poor Sasuke. Apparently, "hawtness" transcends age, and the old lady who he had to switch to after Kakashi meddled again with his mask just would not stop coming on to him. He looked at the door to the room and realized the problem: this room belonged to none other than Yamanaka Inorandom string of letters for family differentiation, Ino's grandmother. Sasuke sighed and asked, "Shouldn't you be arranging flowers… or something?"

"Our flowers aren't that good…"

"Yes they are!"

"Fine, son. But seriously, you know you want some of this, Sasuke-kuuun…"

Sasuke covered his mouth. "Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth… just a little bit."

"…And it was 'bout that time I realized… Pay attention!" mumbled Shikamaru's old person who I just switched to like that. Like _that_.

"Troublesome…" Shik muttered under his breath—literally. Like if the letter "i" would be a proper representation, the dot would be his breath, and the line would _so _be what he said. But, I digress. Shikamaru was, as usual, not very ecstatic about his present circumstances. He had agreed to his person's request for a telling of an anecdote, which somehow evolved into a life story, thanks to reaching Level 36. Not really. Anyways, Shik thought he could cloud-gaze without the old man noticing. Unfortunately, under the glasses that seemed be crushing what they were supposed to be helping (his eyes in case you're confused) were very good eyes. Why he wears glasses then is beyond me. Maybe they're fun. But the point is, he was able to see Shik wasn't paying attention, making a potentially interesting (to Shikamaru) day very boring (to everyone… except maybe other old people).

"…Anyways, as I was sayin'… uh… what was I sayin'…?"

"How fun it is to cloud-gaze."

"…Now haze? No… oh yeah, as I was sayin'…" Even if he didn't have his hearing, at least he had his sight. But he didn't have his nitr-okay, I really need to stop that.

-CAFETERIA, 12:01 P.M.…-

The tired ninjas finally got their food. And the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs. But that's beside the point. All of the ninjas were free of their old people, unless, of course, the old people needed them. They were lucky thus far. Neji, Gaara, Sasuke, and, surprisingly, Shikamaru were sitting at one table; Lee, Naruto, Kiba, and Chouji were at another; Ino, Sakura, Hinata, and Tenten sat at yet another, and Shino sat alone. Whatever. "Yeah, this is a pain…" muttered Naruto. "We were going to be going to Ichiraku, but the cheap old man wouldn't get me a free meal, unlike usual."

After a long pause, Kiba commented, "…Well, I got stuck with the crazy cat lady." See, the irony makes it funny. "You can see how well that turned out…" They all glanced at a snarling Akamaru, covered in scratches and blood with a disembodied cat head hanging by its ear from his mouth. The general consensus was Oo.

"I'm not complaining…" muttered Chouji, nodding toward a HUGE old dude. I mean, Caps Lock huge. As you can see.

"He's not moving much…" muttered Kiba.

"Maybe those 100 Salt-Grease Corn Dogs he had in his secret stash finally caught up with him…" Chouji sighed as the chair the old dude was sitting in broke below his weight and he crashed to the ground with plenty of unholy cracking and squishing. But then the pope came and made it holy. Not really.

"Lee, you're getting my food all soggy! Stop it!" commanded Naruto, referring to the heavily weeping Lee.

"But my assigned friend is so lacking in youth! But I must prosper for Gai-sensei!" Lee stopped weeping. Because he was weeping before.

Suddenly Gai crashed through the cafeteria's solid brick outer wall and yelled, "THAT'S RIGHT, LEE!" He soon noticed the many staring/heart-attacking old people and slowly walked backwards out of the large hole he had made, running once outside.

"Erm, okay…" muttered Gaara. "Uchiha, how'd you get your old person changed so fast?"

"Well Kakashi decided my earlier person wasn't challenging enough for his star student, so he stuck me with a _living_ person. It's total bullsh—"

"It seems as though we are both bogged down in crap"—I actually saw that once; it was really funny—"Uchiha."

"Well isn't that just too bad for you all? I, on the other hand, got an awesome dude," commented Neji, smirking/wincing. Like, both.

"You know what, -beep- you, Neji."

"Where have I heard that before?"

"You know what, -beep- you, Neji," called out a random person who he must have been a jerk to. They aren't exactly in short supply.

"There," stated Gaara.

"…So what about your person, Hinata?" asked Ino.

"H… h… he… i… i… is v—"

"OMIGOSH IS NEJI WINKING AT ME?! THE NERVE!" yelled Tenten. As indicated. She proceeded to pepper-spray said Hyuuga. Luckily, his previously closed eye became his presently used one, protected from the spray.

Shik looked at Neji strangely and asked, "Didn't your squint used to be on the other side…?" Neji gave him a strange look. "Never mind." Oh yeah, nobody is getting that reference.

After that little episode, Tenten sat back down. After quite a long silence, Sakura asked, "Hey, how did Temari get out of this?"

Tenten responded, "Well…"

-WITH TEMARI, 12:45 P.M.…-

"Like, shopping!" exclaimed Temari in an uncharacteristic valley accent, as she walked into a fan shop. But really, being uncharacteristic in my story should be a given by now.

-BACK WITH THE OTHERS, 12:46 P.M.…-

"She just told Kakashi she would get him a new Icha Icha Paradise, and he has been sitting on that bench ever since." The kunoichi all looked outside to see Kakashi sitting on the very edge of the bench, dripping with anticipation. Slowly but surely, he slid off the edge and crashed to the ground, face in the dirt and arse in the air. His face slowly slid forward as his body flattened to the ground. "Temari made it around here until about eleven, I figure he'll make it to two."

"Just wondering, how did you find out all of this?" asked Sakura.

"She called me. We're very good friends you know."

"I thought we couldn't bring cell phones. Kakashi-sensei checked…"

"You know, that's true… I didn't…" Tenten stroked her chin as Twilight Zone music began playing. It stopped abruptly, though, closely followed by Gaara retracting his hand. If there was one thing he hated, it was theme music. And there _was_ one thing he hated. And it _was_ theme music. But he hated many more things too.

Oh yeah, and Shino didn't talk to anybody. Because he has no friends.

-LATER, 2:08 P.M.…-

Shino was very unhappy. As usual. His senile old man was again blabbering on about his "pirate days." "Arr, matey, ye will ne'er catch the likes of me!" yelled the old dude.

Shino just shrugged. _Apparently_, catching crazy old people wasn't on the top of his to-do list. You see, he likes bugs so they were on the top of the list. His interest was slightly more piqued when the old guy started pumping his arms furiously on the wheels of his wheelchair, quickly moving to fifth floor window, eventually crashing through it. Oh, his guts and organs… and so forth… splattered all over upon landing, but hey, at least bystanders in the parking lot could tell he wasn't lilly-livered. Heh, pirate joke. Is nice. Kiba walked up behind Shino and commented, "Nice job, you killed _another _old person." Shino just glared. Possibly.

Naruto was one of the bystanders. Upon seeing the scene, he dropped to his knees and yelled, "He was the last good pirate!"

The growing crowd all said in unison, using the same level tone as Naruto's previous scorners, "Naruto. You see, when people get really old, their mind starts t—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. You're all just jealous."

"…"

"…YEAH."

Naruto sniffed, wiped away a tear, shoved his hands in his pockets, and walked off slowly. Jiraiya soon followed, but only after muttering something that sounded strangely like "Dumb mass." What he has against physics I don't know, but whatever. He just can't deal, I guess.

Meanwhile, Shikamaru was having some troubles of his own. The new old person (you just don't know what adjective I'm gonna throw out) he was assigned to was having some… problems. It started with Shik's simple comment of, "Something smells."

"Must be ma diaper. You can work that out, right?" asked the old dude in response. In _response_.

Shikamaru's trademark facial expression pretty well explained his opinion. He headed to the bathroom and realized why the old man believed he was capable of taking care of the (heh heh) bowel problems. Folded up against the wall was an operation-sized table, the words "Adult Changing Center" written along the middle next to an aging koala with a long beard leaning against a bamboo walker. Shik looked at it strangely and locked himself in a stall, not planning to leave. Well, not for a while. We can assume he would leave at some point.

Neji was _really _starting to like his guy. It turns out that they were more similar than he first thought. Yes, they were both Toastmasters. But they were actually both jerks. "So here is what I'm thinking. These old –beep-ers here are getting on my last nerve. So what do you say to blowing this joint via stink bomb? Can you make one?" he asked, automatically assuming Neji would agree. But as you can see, he _will_.

"Of course." The old man smirked. It was a comment soon followed by another, namely, "What the –BEEP-?!"

This statement, better identified as an _exclamation_, was justified by Gai's crashing through yet another brick wall and creating yet another large hole. Without a single pause, the jounin yelled, "DON'T DO IT, MY STUDENT!"

"…If I only hang out with him after training, will you stop doing that? My room looks like a warzone…" muttered the man of the hour. Well maybe not the _whole_ hour, but a decent chunk of it, _that's_ for sure.

"YOSH! AND DO NOT FRET, FOR LEE FIXED YOUR ROOM AND ADDED AN ENTIRELY NEW WING, STANDING ON HIS HANDS!" Thus, Gai disappeared in a blur, quite possibly caused by the growing crowd of perturbed employees.

"Please? Just one date with my granddaughter?" requested the old Haruno.

"No," responded Gaara.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Was there some sort of clan meeting where you all decided to be extremely –beep-ing irritating, or is dumb-sh-t your Kekkei Genkai? You know, I should just kill you…"

"Like how you were going to kill Sakura? Now now, we both know you haven't even done that…"

"Good point." Gaara pulled a Palm Pilot out of his gourd and began using the stylus. After a minute or so, he replaced it in its pocket. "Okay, I can work both of your deaths in on Saturday."

"Would you reconsider if I said I had cookies? Reconsider death and date?"

"Maybe." Of course he meant "no", but he figured he might as well have some cookies as an addition. Anyways, Gaara wrapped his sand around the legs of a nearby table and pulled it towards him, soon scarfing down the cookies, which happened to be, tee hee, pecan SANDIES! And when I say pecan sandies, I mean sand.

"I always knew you had a soft spot deep down…"

Oh yeah, bad move. Gaara's head turned 180 degrees and he said in an eerily calm voice, "That's it. You die _now_." He made a few adjustments in his Palm Pilot and lunged at the old lady, proceeding to choke her. To death. In case you couldn't gather that.

Finally, their plot came to fruition. Neji hurled the stink bomb into the lobby. Unfortunately, the bomb caused a different reaction than expected. Instead of everyone running away, they collapsed to the ground and began rolling around (or just laying there), grasping their necks and gasping for air (or just laying there). Neji's new ally looked at him angrily and Neji cursed, commenting, "I _knew_ putting rat poison in that thing was a bad idea…"

The old man glared, but they were soon in trouble together, as the perturbed employees who seriously need to just chill appeared again. Jeesh, some people can't take a joke. Such as these people. The two began running, slamming through a window (with quite a few gashes on Neji). As they left, they both noticed the amazed look of the families who visited the place, and their eventual plotting looks. Along the way, the old guy lost his glasses, revealing he was a Hyuuga. Neji looked at him strangely and asked, "Why aren't you staying at the Hyuuga nursing home?"

The man paused and eventually responded, "…Because your mom, Neji."

And thus, the two glared off into the sunset. Even though it was the afternoon.

To be continued in Chapter 19,

"Belated Second Halloween Special"


End file.
